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  • FIRST POST
    • bytheseas
    • By bytheseas 9th Apr 18, 7:23 PM
    • 22Posts
    • 18Thanks
    bytheseas
    Dating with no money?
    • #1
    • 9th Apr 18, 7:23 PM
    Dating with no money? 9th Apr 18 at 7:23 PM
    Well. Been living on my own for around a year now and been using dating apps a fair bit recently.
    I was just thinking if it happens we can always go for a walk along the beach or a dog walk somewhere. Maybe even waste a few 2ps in the arcades.

    Now I've got the the point of asking a girl out and she just instantly replied with "Where would we go" to which I suggested the beach like above. She then said it would be nice to go for food... blah blah.

    Anyways... I can't even afford to pay for me to go out for dinner at the moment. Never mind pay for someone else.

    Has anyone else been in this situation? How do we date without money!?

    Should I just wait until my finances are in a better position? Should I tell them I'm skint? (Doesn't sound like a good plan to me)

    P.S I know this is probably in the wrong place but nowhere seemed to fit...
    Starting Debt (08/04/2018):
    Mortgage: 68,455.13.
    Student Loans: 18,954.88.
    Tax/accounting: 2873
    Total: 90283.01
    Goal: Debt free in 15 years.
Page 1
    • lookstraightahead
    • By lookstraightahead 9th Apr 18, 7:35 PM
    • 131 Posts
    • 142 Thanks
    lookstraightahead
    • #2
    • 9th Apr 18, 7:35 PM
    • #2
    • 9th Apr 18, 7:35 PM
    How about a coffee? Choose a time that isn!!!8217;t around a meal time.
    • PasturesNew
    • By PasturesNew 9th Apr 18, 7:37 PM
    • 62,180 Posts
    • 363,941 Thanks
    PasturesNew
    • #3
    • 9th Apr 18, 7:37 PM
    • #3
    • 9th Apr 18, 7:37 PM
    Tell her you're skint and all you can manage is a picnic.... is she's still interested you can move forward on that.

    You'll lose some by being open/honest, but you'll gain some too - and you'll not waste any money trying to impress one by scraping together money for food one night when they dump you for not being able to afford it every week....

    Honesty means you attract/keep the right sort of people - and dissuade/alienate the wrong type.

    Trying to dodge it and gloss over it, with things like coffee, is only putting off the inevitable ... and wasting your time and money along the way.
    • buythedip
    • By buythedip 9th Apr 18, 8:51 PM
    • 6 Posts
    • 9 Thanks
    buythedip
    • #4
    • 9th Apr 18, 8:51 PM
    • #4
    • 9th Apr 18, 8:51 PM
    Big walk with the dog and picnic sounds pretty decent to me. Could you borrow body boards and wetsuits from a mate assuming you are on the coast? How about bike hire followed by chips? Being active should make any lulls in conversation easier!
    • LexieLou
    • By LexieLou 9th Apr 18, 11:39 PM
    • 495 Posts
    • 545 Thanks
    LexieLou
    • #5
    • 9th Apr 18, 11:39 PM
    • #5
    • 9th Apr 18, 11:39 PM
    You know what, I'm skint too and a coffee is perfect. I dated a guy last year who was as skint as me, lost his job due to his money issues. He never knew how much debt I am in. We had nights in, made dinner, nothing fancy, home made chicken pie and chips, some nights a movie on the tele, walks, we have dogs so they got walked frequently.
    Internet dating is this...you meet for half hour tops the first time. If they want to go for a meal the first time, chances are they are money greedy and you don't need that. EG if you met someone in a bar and chatted, would you say to them within 5 mins of meeting them 'lets do dinner?'. No, you would ask them for a drink or coffee.

    Don't let your debt hold you back from living. When you meet the right person, they don't care about your past, or your present, they will want to help you make your present and future the best it can be.
    too scared to look.....'cos I know its bad
    5 in sealed pot 21.04.18
    • HustleGang
    • By HustleGang 9th Apr 18, 11:54 PM
    • 12 Posts
    • 4 Thanks
    HustleGang
    • #6
    • 9th Apr 18, 11:54 PM
    • #6
    • 9th Apr 18, 11:54 PM
    This is something I've struggled with recently. I'm only a few months away from becoming debt free but bot having anything spare has been holding me back.

    I think the above post about eliminating time wasters is a good one, if someone is genuinely interested in you being in dent shouldn't matter
    • MalMonroe
    • By MalMonroe 10th Apr 18, 12:14 AM
    • 68 Posts
    • 56 Thanks
    MalMonroe
    • #7
    • 10th Apr 18, 12:14 AM
    • #7
    • 10th Apr 18, 12:14 AM
    Just be honest. As a girl (or woman, as I say) I can tell you that there's nothing worse than men who lie, either outright or by omission. I don't understand why you feel you have to pay for her, either. I'd be quite offended by that, if it was our first meeting. Go for a coffee and then tell her you're in a difficult financial position right now. If she doesn't get it, she's not for you. When I was younger I used to go on dates and we'd go for walks, to parks, museums, etc. then have a coffee somewhere. It's not difficult to find somewhere to go. But lying, no that'd finish me off!
    • Poppy1984
    • By Poppy1984 10th Apr 18, 12:15 AM
    • 178 Posts
    • 333 Thanks
    Poppy1984
    • #8
    • 10th Apr 18, 12:15 AM
    • #8
    • 10th Apr 18, 12:15 AM
    Dating in the early stages you're just getting to know someone. I'd also suggest a coffee or drink for a first date, like others have said half hour/ hour is enough time to decide if you like each enough to go on another date. The second date of a walk along the beach sounds lovely. From my point of view I internet dated and wouldnt have gone for a walk on a first date (safety reasons) I'd happily go for a drink/cuppa though and if I felt comfortable then a walk along the beach on the second date I'd definitely like the idea of. After that you can work up to after a few dates depending on how things go inviting them round and making them dinner (cheaper than a meal out)

    There will be people that don't want to date that way but then there's no point in you getting into a relationship with someone like that because you aren't going to be able to live like that.

    Im in debt and my partner knows, we have lovely times together and they don't cost much money. If he had been someone who could only enjoy expensive nights out, trips away etc our relationship wouldn't survive.

    Good luck there will be plenty of people who would be relieved to be dating someone who doesn't want to spend 50/100 on an evening out!
    19-02-18 Total Debt 3,800 Next 815 Very 1600 Tesco Credit Card 1600
    PAID Next 815/815 now closed Very 370/ 1600 Tesco 160/ 1600
    April - May Grocery Budget 40/200 EF fund 200/300
    • John-K
    • By John-K 10th Apr 18, 7:10 AM
    • 516 Posts
    • 732 Thanks
    John-K
    • #9
    • 10th Apr 18, 7:10 AM
    • #9
    • 10th Apr 18, 7:10 AM
    People (women in particular) will quite often want the first date to be somewhere public, with others around, and a restaurant is relatively standard for that.

    That doesn!!!8217;t have to mean a Michelin starred place, though, a cafe in a park would probably do, or an ice cream shop down by the sea.

    If you literally have nothing, though, not even a couple of pounds for a coffee, then to be honest I think that you may struggle. People are not only scouting out a future spouse, they want to have a bit of fun, and that tends to mean a bit of expense.

    Tell people that you are a bit cash strappped, and suggest something at the reasonable end, but despite the positive thoughts above, I do think you will struggle a bit if you literally say that you haven!!!8217;t even got enough for a cup of tea.
    • Ilona
    • By Ilona 10th Apr 18, 8:39 AM
    • 2,056 Posts
    • 7,071 Thanks
    Ilona
    I don't date, because I don't want to, but if I did I wouldn't be looking for someone with oodles of money to lavish on me. Money doesn't impress me one bit. I would be looking for someone with a friendly personality, a sense of humour, someone with interesting conversations. I also value honesty.

    A first date is just about making contact, testing the waters, getting to know a bit about someone, so a coffee or a walk is fine.

    Ilona
    I love skip diving
    • itchyfeet123
    • By itchyfeet123 10th Apr 18, 10:43 AM
    • 428 Posts
    • 482 Thanks
    itchyfeet123
    Well, what do you do for fun on your own? There are plenty of cheap/free entertainment options. If you frame it as "these are the things I like to do" then you're more likely to meet someone who wants to spend time doing those things. Likewise, as you cast your net, look for people who mention those things as their own interests/hobbies. On the flip side, there's not much point in reaching out to people who mention hobbies or interests that aren't in your budget. Sure, you don't have to do everything together, but some overlapping interests are necessary.

    And as others have said, you don't need to budget for two; it's pretty standard to either split the bill or alternate paying (if there's more than one encounter).
    • bytheseas
    • By bytheseas 10th Apr 18, 11:02 AM
    • 22 Posts
    • 18 Thanks
    bytheseas
    Thanks guys.

    I went ahead and asked if we could do something other than a meal as funds are a little tight. I was unmatched on tinder and blocked on facebook. So, yeah. Maybe she's the one?

    Some good suggestions and I agree all of those sound super fun, exactly the sort of things I would love to do for a date. The issue was that she asked to go out for food, after I had already suggested some cheaper/free alternatives.

    Good call to look for people with similar interests. That will certainly be on the tick box for future matches haha.

    Splitting the bill? I know it's 2018 and all that and I have been out of the dating game for 6 years. But does this really happen? I honestly can't recall a moment in my life where a woman has ever offered to split the bill or pay. Certainly not in the first few dates anyway. I'm only 31 too, it's not like I'm in the woman at home man at work generation haha.
    Last edited by bytheseas; 10-04-2018 at 11:07 AM.
    Starting Debt (08/04/2018):
    Mortgage: 68,455.13.
    Student Loans: 18,954.88.
    Tax/accounting: 2873
    Total: 90283.01
    Goal: Debt free in 15 years.
    • DawnW
    • By DawnW 10th Apr 18, 11:17 AM
    • 4,964 Posts
    • 39,112 Thanks
    DawnW
    Goodness, I was last dating as a teenager over 40 years ago (long married now), and fully expected to go halves on the bill way back then. I had a job, why on earth would I have expected a guy to have to pay my share?

    Good luck with finding someone genuine
    NSDs for April: 10 / 15

    • Dolly Rocker
    • By Dolly Rocker 10th Apr 18, 11:33 AM
    • 3,734 Posts
    • 10,673 Thanks
    Dolly Rocker
    Sounds like you had a lucky escape there.

    The right one will come along for you.

    How good would it be if there was a DFW dating site

    Least we would all be on the same wave length!

    Dxxx
    CWP start 16st2lbs, current 13st13lbs, lost 31lbs

    Debt start 6,649.97, current 5,950.00, paid 696.97

    17th April 2018 - I have 5 Nationwide Referrals available, PM me if you want 100 to switch accounts
    • a_silver_lining
    • By a_silver_lining 10th Apr 18, 11:38 AM
    • 189 Posts
    • 597 Thanks
    a_silver_lining
    I think a coffee is the way to go for a first date. If it goes well, maybe stay an hour longer and split a slice of cake?

    My first date with my partner (met online) was coffee. It turned into a 5 plus hour date as we then went for a walk round free museums, then decided to grab a meal (cheap 5 per person type thing, I would have said I wasn't hungry if they had suggested more) and then a drink at a bar as we really were getting on at that point.

    Second date was dinner cooked at hers. Third I think may have been a meal out, I can't really remember!
    19/12/14: Spent 10 years of savings!!
    ..... to buy my first home.

    2018: 900 savings, 795 emergency fund--- Family Loan (3000 direct + 1750 saver) 4750/10K paid 47.5%
    #38 1% Challenge: 514.70/ 2018, now at 25%!
  • National Debtline

    How good would it be if there was a DFW dating site
    Originally posted by Dolly Rocker

    I expect Martin is working on this as we speak.


    Make sure you exercise your intellectual property rights...


    Dennis
    @natdebtline
    We work as money advisers for National Debtline and have specific permission from MSE to post to try to help those in debt. Read more information on National Debtline in MSE's Debt Problems: What to do and where to get help guide. If you find you're struggling with debt and need further help try our online advice tool My Money Steps
    • another casualty
    • By another casualty 10th Apr 18, 11:44 AM
    • 3,466 Posts
    • 5,340 Thanks
    another casualty
    Sorry, couldn't read and run
    I'm a single ( mature ?) male who is happily single. Having food allergies has made relationships difficult . Anyway forget that .

    I am on Facebook , but only look at it once or twice a year.
    TBH, I don't understand this antisocial media stuff. If I were to be in a relationship with someone , I don't know if I could trust someone as they could be talking to every Tom, William and Harry and I'd be none the wiser.
    Some of those dating apps seem dodgy also . When I was working in my last company, a really nice guy who is a d j started showing me pictures of women you rated. It just seemed wrong .

    I did join a couple of dating sites a few years back . They were online
    Looking at what most of these women liked to do as hobbies: paragliding / deep sea diving / restaurants / flying etc. Wow! They must be loaded and out of my league before I start I thought.
    One of my friends told me that these types are gold diggers and have many credit cards etc. Annoying really ,as when you fill the forms in with your requirements with honesty and integrity you get that.

    If I were to date again, it would be a coffee shop. If I have to meet someone in the evenings it would be in a neutral bar safe and hopefully enjoyable for both parties.

    Anyway good luck in your search
    • Dolly Rocker
    • By Dolly Rocker 10th Apr 18, 12:00 PM
    • 3,734 Posts
    • 10,673 Thanks
    Dolly Rocker
    I expect Martin is working on this as we speak.


    Make sure you exercise your intellectual property rights...


    Dennis
    @natdebtline
    Originally posted by National Debtline
    Oooh

    Come on Martin - I could be a partner in this!!

    Imagine, I would actually love that

    Dxxx
    CWP start 16st2lbs, current 13st13lbs, lost 31lbs

    Debt start 6,649.97, current 5,950.00, paid 696.97

    17th April 2018 - I have 5 Nationwide Referrals available, PM me if you want 100 to switch accounts
    • LavenderBee
    • By LavenderBee 10th Apr 18, 1:08 PM
    • 238 Posts
    • 1,055 Thanks
    LavenderBee
    I'm the same age as you OP and always expected to pay my half (I'm a girl by the way!). I had a few unexpected expensive dates with men that earned 5-6 times more than me, and I should have said something really as I was paying off my credit cards (first time round) then and it hampered my progress. I met my husband on the same site as said blokes, and I did have a few spendier dates with him. Nothing grand, but more than a tea or an ice cream, generally rounds in the pub (which add up, as we know!). I did come clean that I was living on a budget after a month or so and he was very good about it, I realised I could have been more up front all along.


    Fast forward and we're married, bought a house together, due our first baby and I've smashed my debts (he never had any, turned out he was a good influence on me too!). It can work out - with the right person. Someone who "un-matches" you because you don't want to go for a full dinner before you've met them is not the right person, but you know that Good luck to you
    • Poppy1984
    • By Poppy1984 10th Apr 18, 1:23 PM
    • 178 Posts
    • 333 Thanks
    Poppy1984
    I'm similar age to you and was dating using tinder I always offered to go halves when going for food (why should he pay for me) most of the men I dated insisted on paying but if we had a date after that I'd pay next time.

    I have to tell you when dating my current partner I offered to pay half when we went for dinner and he was the only man who let me (he's the one I ended up in a relationship with not the ones that insisted)

    Also if the lady who you were talking to cut ties when you told her that then that's her choice it's not for us to judge her for it but it's for you to realise ok maybe not Miss right for you and that's ok.

    From now on when you ask someone on a first date suggest coffee or a drink, if they come back with food rather than saying money's tight (I'm not saying lie but you don't need to tell every person you chat to your personal circumstances) I'd just say well let's have a drink for our first date and see where it goes from there. I couldn't think of anything worse than going on a first date for a meal and not liking that person but being stuck with them till the end lol.
    19-02-18 Total Debt 3,800 Next 815 Very 1600 Tesco Credit Card 1600
    PAID Next 815/815 now closed Very 370/ 1600 Tesco 160/ 1600
    April - May Grocery Budget 40/200 EF fund 200/300
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