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    • Prometheus2
    • By Prometheus2 21st Jun 16, 5:58 PM
    • 4Posts
    • 20Thanks
    Resilience from betrayal
    • #1
    • 21st Jun 16, 5:58 PM
    Resilience from betrayal 21st Jun 16 at 5:58 PM
    Hi newbie here under some very challenging circumstances and this year really is not being kind in fact itís been outright horrible as my life has been in total free fall. Iím sure there will be light at the end of the tunnel as I always believe that you need to keep positive no matter how hard it gets.

    Any way couple of months I left my wife of 15 yrs after being consistently verbally abused almost to the point of dreading to come home and then finally the betrayal with no less than me leaving with the shirt on my back. So Day 2 was sent a message and told that she no longer loved me and that this new person was better in every way and even the kids would grow to love him but that I needed to now collect my stuff immediately to which I said no but Iíll collect some stuff over the weekend. The next thing I find is all my stuff was skipped... hence the shirt on my back! As a result I immediately put a stop to joint bank account in a desperate attempt to stop further issues however I was too late and the overdraft was close to being maxed out of £1400.

    Totally unaware of all this prior in a bid to keep the debt down Iíd done several transfer balances as she had mentioned she would close some of her cards and we could reduce our debt so took the whole £11,000. Which having researched it I found that it is now my burden alone. Was then contacted by her solicitor and then CSA so now going to have to pay out £700 p/m which I have no choice but that my access to kids would be only a Saturday for a few hours which I do mind. My parents which Iím living with provided me with £2000 in which I paid outright the overdraft using the rest to live until I got paid while I stayed with them.

    Month 3 finally Iím about to move into a rented place close by to put my stake in the ground and give me some independence. As nice as it is Iím 40 and canít live with them! So now in the process of accepting a new job which going through this process had doubts but will be financially better off and Iím genuinely looking forward to it and consider it to be a new start however appreciate that this month coming is going to be a bit financially tough. Iíve not had to pay any board etc but manged to reduce the money loaned from my parents to £1100 however with Debt payments £500 and rent and bond £1400 and CSA £700 and paying some off with my parents etc Iíve worked out that Iíll have just over £600 to live.

    The question I have is should I buy things for my new rented house and put it on my credit card with then maybe doing a transfer balance and paying it off or try and get by trying to pay things out right with cash without further increasing the debt? The payments are fragmented and I was wondering just regardless just to consolidate into one payment a month?

    When I mean I have nothing I mean it and while I know my parents have bought bits and pieces they will not buy me a washing machine or a TV and I want to pay them back as soon as possible as I feel a bit embarrassed. My thinking was 3 high ticket items are needed Washing machine, fridge and TV while the £600 to pay for transport to work ( train ) , food and doing things for the few hours with the kids I have each Saturday.

    Iím not materialistic and have no doubt will pay the debt off however Iíve yet to even think of fighting for custody for my kids and divorce etc...But thought that once I move in I can start the fight back and just have to factor in more costs to which I have no idea about.

    Goal for the end of the month Iím expecting to reduce the debt down to £14,500 and my parents down to hopefully £800. However my need for high ticket items would increase the debt to £15,200.

    Ps I now have a cash flow very simple mind and debt tracker.
Page 1
    • groovy_chick
    • By groovy_chick 21st Jun 16, 6:24 PM
    • 66 Posts
    • 265 Thanks
    • #2
    • 21st Jun 16, 6:24 PM
    • #2
    • 21st Jun 16, 6:24 PM
    Hi there, I'm so sorry that you have been so royally scr3w3d by your wife - I experienced the same financial treatment, care of my husband, and I am almost there in paying off all the debt he left me with - you will get there

    Regarding your high cost items, can you stagger it? Maybe buy the TV now (priority, obviously!), use the laundrette for a couple of months and try freecycle or ebay for a fridge/freezer? You can save for a new fridge next and then finally stop using the laundrette and buy a washing machine?

    Most people on here will, quite rightly, encourage you not to take on any more debt.

    Best wishes

    Save £12k in 2017 #84 - £6,920.24/£12,000
    Savings in 2016 £4,300
    Saved in 2016 - Sharesave £1,800 Cash £2,500
    Saved in 2017 = Sharesave £3,000 Cash £3920.24
    HMRC outstanding £1,300

    • zx81
    • By zx81 21st Jun 16, 6:28 PM
    • 16,813 Posts
    • 17,818 Thanks
    • #3
    • 21st Jun 16, 6:28 PM
    • #3
    • 21st Jun 16, 6:28 PM
    Agreed. No more debt.

    Fridges and washing machines can be picked up for free. Work on getting back on an even keel first.
    • Pixie5740
    • By Pixie5740 21st Jun 16, 7:38 PM
    • 12,111 Posts
    • 17,045 Thanks
    • #4
    • 21st Jun 16, 7:38 PM
    • #4
    • 21st Jun 16, 7:38 PM
    Try British Heart Foundation for a washing machine, fridge freezer and a tv.
    • dirtycredit
    • By dirtycredit 21st Jun 16, 7:46 PM
    • 143 Posts
    • 241 Thanks
    • #5
    • 21st Jun 16, 7:46 PM
    • #5
    • 21st Jun 16, 7:46 PM
    Go down to the charity shops - the one's that do furniture you can get everything you need for a flat in there and they are so cheap.
    LBM-May 2015 DFD-Dec 2017 Total debt £27077/2533(90% Paid)
    PAIDStudentLoan-1173/PAID Tesco-4616/PAID Home improvements- 11000/PAID

    • determined new ms
    • By determined new ms 21st Jun 16, 8:47 PM
    • 6,833 Posts
    • 40,012 Thanks
    determined new ms
    • #6
    • 21st Jun 16, 8:47 PM
    • #6
    • 21st Jun 16, 8:47 PM
    I would definitely look for things second hand or free on free cycle. Our fridge, washing machine were all second hand. My friend got her washing machine off of eBay for £25 near to her and a year on it is still going strong.

    Also l like the idea of prioritising and using a launderette. You prob would only need to do 1 or 2 washes a week

    Good luck with the move!
    DF as at 30/12/16
    Wombling 2017 £3016.55/Roadkill £8.73
    Wombling 2018 £145.73/RK £0.04
    • tlc678910
    • By tlc678910 21st Jun 16, 9:02 PM
    • 522 Posts
    • 896 Thanks
    • #7
    • 21st Jun 16, 9:02 PM
    • #7
    • 21st Jun 16, 9:02 PM
    Hi, sorry to hear of your situation but you sound like you are have an amazing attitude and are getting on with it as best you can.

    Google "mse eBay local deals mapper" to find collection only eBay auctions near you. There are often white goods and teles.

    Join your local "free cycle" group (where people give away goods for free and ask for them). You can post that you are setting up home from scratch and would be grateful for a tele and white goods and anything else that would help. There are lots of people that are happy to give their no longer required items to a good home. My dishwasher from a friend was surplus simply because she had a fitted kitchen with fitted dishwasher. If you replace them in future you can put them back on free cycle.

    Good luck
    • rockabillygirl
    • By rockabillygirl 21st Jun 16, 9:28 PM
    • 143 Posts
    • 769 Thanks
    • #8
    • 21st Jun 16, 9:28 PM
    • #8
    • 21st Jun 16, 9:28 PM
    Sorry for your situation and just wanted to wish you luck. Definitely wouldn't increase debt and go to charity or freecycle as others have suggested.
    Best wishes
    It will all be ok in the end - if it's not ok, then it's not the end!
    Saving for Xmas 2018 #27. :
    Sealed pot challenge #32
    Mortgage paid off.
    • mrsbee17
    • By mrsbee17 21st Jun 16, 9:44 PM
    • 59 Posts
    • 53 Thanks
    • #9
    • 21st Jun 16, 9:44 PM
    • #9
    • 21st Jun 16, 9:44 PM
    I'd also definately recommend British Heart Foundation for electrical items. Even if you only keep them for a few months or whatever, until you can buy what you want if you're keen to but often or not these are excellent items, we had to do this when we started out. Have a look around Facebook pages in your local area (Buy & Sell / Faceswap, things like that), often people are giving away stuff they don't want / need; it may be something to tide you over until you can replace it.

    Good luck - it sounds like you're going to be better off in the long run and you need to enjoy your life, not resent coming home. Yay you!
    • Smodlet
    • By Smodlet 22nd Jun 16, 1:31 AM
    • 3,004 Posts
    • 6,041 Thanks
    So sorry to hear about your situation. All I can add to the advice already on here is police auction sites can also offer some real bargains. Just search for police auctions, there are several sites, some of which have been featured on MSE, e.g. Bumblebee.

    I don't think your wife can legally throw your stuff away, not personal stuff like clothes/laptops. This issue has cropped up on both Judges Judy and Rinder several times and each time the ruling has been either:

    They still have the stuff and they have to allow the owner to collect it or
    They have trashed it, in which case they owe the value of it.

    Best of luck.
    • Georges Mum
    • By Georges Mum 22nd Jun 16, 7:05 AM
    • 32 Posts
    • 121 Thanks
    Georges Mum
    Hang on in there, two years down the line I have finally got sorted.
    Try Facebook - I have sold on there and there are loads of electrical things coming up for sale especially TV's.
    Good luck
    Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of your arm...As you grow older you will discover that you have two hands. One for helping yourself, the other for helping others.
    • MERFE
    • By MERFE 22nd Jun 16, 11:50 AM
    • 1,874 Posts
    • 5,897 Thanks
    When we moved here, 250 miles from where we were so we sold a lot of furniture to fund the move, we were gifted a fridge by someone upgrading. She was a friend of someone we knew so we don't even know her and it's been perfect, I am not even considering buying a new one to replace it 2 years on. We used the laundrette as well until we had settled in and saved for a washing machine, it took 6 weeks and I managed 2 washes a week for a family of 5, including bedding and towels, the machines are huge. I've seen plenty of tv being sold on facebay for £50-£100. I would definitely try not to add to the debt if possible.
    Save 12k in 2018 no 45 £2795.98/£6000
    • andyfromotley
    • By andyfromotley 22nd Jun 16, 12:05 PM
    • 2,014 Posts
    • 2,964 Thanks
    Adding to your debt would be disasterous. beg borrow or steal to get you started then slowly but surely save and but things as you can afford them. This will give you the most enourmous sense of satisfaction when you look around your new place knowing that you did this the hard way.
    £1000 Emergency fund No90 £1000/1000
    LBM 28/1/15 total debt - £23,410 24/3/16 total debt - £7,298
    • Teacher2
    • By Teacher2 23rd Jun 16, 8:58 AM
    • 331 Posts
    • 2,571 Thanks
    No one on this thread has recommended you to add to your debt and buy new equipment. I'd agree heartily with this excellent advice. You have been advised to look at Freecycle and BHF for free or very cheap goods but I was recommended recently to join 'Streetview'. It is a sharing site for those who live in the local area and one of the catagories it offers is 'Give, Borrow and Lend' where you can ask for and offer unused items. Recently, in my area on the site an animal home asked for and was given a working dishwasher. I, myself, collected some top quality curtain poles and was also lent a wallpaper stripper. People are very generous and like to help and, when you are in a better position (which you will be) you can return favours.

    Your ex sounds a nightmare by the way. Much sympathy and I hope you can get better access to your children.
    • AllyMac
    • By AllyMac 23rd Jun 16, 12:48 PM
    • 101 Posts
    • 88 Thanks
    You could reduce the £700 CSA by up to the whole £700 by having 50/50 shared care parenting arrangements. Then no maintenance is payable.
    Why aren't your children with you more than Saturdays?
    Better for them, and better got your finances!

    Where are you with filing for divorce?
    Even though the debts are now in your name (I won't say her debts as it does depend whether they were run up on family expenses) they will considered part of the marital "pot" when you divide assets - so you should get half back against any other assets you both have.
    • breaking_free
    • By breaking_free 24th Jun 16, 11:09 AM
    • 315 Posts
    • 582 Thanks
    I feel for you. Had the same situation with my husband. I got my clothing and laptop back (thanks to a police escort) but he kept the entire household of furniture, etc, as it was deemed 'a civil matter'. He'd already cleaned me out financially through theft, running up debts, smashing up the flat to 'teach you a lesson' and not contributing because he was determined to remain unemployed and live off me. I had to start over with the last few hundred pounds I had left in my bank account.

    I used Freecycle and Freegle extensively. Within weeks I had chairs to sit on, a mini-fridge, an old style TV (not flat screen), a toaster, laundry airer, kettle, plates and cutlery - you name it. All it cost me was the petrol to go and collect the stuff. 2 years on and I've bought a few nicer things, but still have many Freecycled belongings.

    Soldier on and you can do this. Sending hugs your way (HUGS)
    "The problem with internet quotes is that you cant always depend on their accuracy" - Abraham Lincoln, 1864
    • in need of direction
    • By in need of direction 25th Jun 16, 4:44 PM
    • 5,000 Posts
    • 28,777 Thanks
    in need of direction
    I think you need a solicitor both for access and to get some value for the house contents the thing is that if your ex can argue that you don't have a fit place to have the kids to stay, it'll count against you. If however you gained value from your previous home,your current one would be increasingly fit for purpose. Also, did you own the home?
    Mortgage at 01.01.14 £119,481.83 today £75,897.72, target £65,000 by 31/12/18 Offset fund today £227.27 target £5,500 by 31/12/18
    Emergency fund £0.7/5.5k & £200/200 cash.
    Current weight loss RUBBISH need to refocus
    determined to stop defining myself by my mistakes.
    Progress not perfection.
    • Prometheus2
    • By Prometheus2 20th Mar 17, 3:15 PM
    • 4 Posts
    • 20 Thanks
    Hi all ,

    Been really lurking and hiding but today I thought Id drop by and give everyone an update for those that are interested. First of all life isn't perfect in fact it can be pretty horrible but my advice to anyone is simply keep positive no matter how hard it gets. In my approach to the utter mess I'm in I've tried to be very pragmatic breaking things into 3 sections , personal , kids and finances.


    My job seems to be pretty stable for now which has given me a chance to slowly get things sorted although I did have a scare when the dreaded WFR ( work force reduction ) was deemed a possibility.
    This simply promoted me to get my CV updated and keep networking although as I'm only 6 months in I really do want to give my current employer a chance due to the flexibility of the position but will see.

    Job aside I pretty much live by my cash flow spreadsheet ( sounds impressive but honestly its very simple ) what that does its gives me the chance to know where I should be give or take each month. This his driven me to know what I can spend each month without over extending while maintaining a downward reduction in debt.

    Parents paid off and managed to reduce the debt to £11 K while building up a £1k in reserve. I guess I could put it on the debt to reduce it but then I honestly believe its nice to have a little reserve just in case.


    Had a few bumps along the road especially towards the lead up to Christmas however things have really settled down and I guess its all about maintain routine. Contact them twice a week while have them every alternative weekend. Not perfect but better than it has been.

    Do try and do things with them however it can be difficult without personal transportation. That said going for a walk down in the woods can be just as fun. Have been pondering taking them on holiday in the summer but still not sure. Have two weeks if I want but was thinking more realistically maybe a few days to week and taking it from there.


    The best to last lol... Can honestly say the debt or loss of personal items hasn't upset me as I'm not materialistic and for the debt it is to simply pay ensuring I have enough to live on. The hardest part has been the adjustment and has felt at time like death by a thousand cuts. Have been in some very dark places maybe some call it depression but I think that word is to readily used and misunderstood for me its maybe going through the motions. Yes I've cried , been an emotional wreck, never felt more alone and have even thought of ending it all however have slowly managed to adapt by simply trying to keep positive no matter what.

    Overall objectives are to keeping discipline in finances by reducing debt hopefully to 9.5k by May while trying to become less of a recluse and keeping positive.
    • ratrace
    • By ratrace 20th Mar 17, 5:51 PM
    • 552 Posts
    • 371 Thanks
    thanks for the update
    Hi, mate glad you are working through things and you sound a lot more positive, if you dont mind me asking im a little confused of your situation i have a mate going through a similar situation ok here goes

    First of all why did YOU move out of the family home when you did absolutely nothing wrong it was HER that was cheating yet she is still living there

    Same with the kids and you having to pay maintenance, whats all that about it should be you living in the house with them, you are the innocent one in this whole saga, if this other bloke is so good then he should take her in to his place. this is all very very unfair on you as you have done nowt wrong. it was her who couldnt be faithfull not you

    fight this all the way mate if you can

    Sorry mate i dont mean to offend or anything but i have a mate who is going through somthing similar, it just seems to me that the blokes come of far worse in thease situations. its out of order she has the kids, house, new bloke, etc... while the innocent person has to pay csa and only see his kids on weekends

    once again sorry mate didnt mean to offend, im just a bit annoyed at the system
    ďPeople are caught up in an egotistic artificial rat race to display a false image to society. We want the biggest house, fanciest car, and we don't mind paying the sky high mortgage to put up that show. We sacrifice our biggest assets our health and time, We feel happy when we see people look up to us and see how successful we areĒ

    Rat Race
    • pogofish
    • By pogofish 20th Mar 17, 6:20 PM
    • 8,488 Posts
    • 8,798 Thanks
    Well done for getting out of that.

    If its any help, with my breakup, I was lucky enough to have a roof over my head as I'd kept-on my old place with a view to renting it out, so I had just to get out of my share of the debt for the place I had with my ex, plus some joint stuff to settle.

    Although we did eventually come to a fair and amicable financial arrangement, via a third party and email (so all provable) I was still left with a shedload of debt and the determined resolve to clear it as quickly as possible without adding to it, jeopardising my own home or getting in any deeper.

    So I set myself the strictest budget imaginable and lived like a monk for a few years - Then, after a promotion/pay rise I was able to consolidate and pay more, so finally I paid-off everything before I was fifty (just!) and I can strongly recommend doing so - Its been plain sailing financially since, a huge amount of the stress I'd been living with since my 30s was lifted, I'm saving well and can afford stuff without having to service any debt.

    So I'd say to do it cheaply and wait till you get a bit of money in the bank again before any avoidable major spending - It may be a bit boring but its amazing how cheaply a single guy can live if you put your mind to it. There is lots of help and advice here
    Last edited by pogofish; 20-03-2017 at 6:33 PM.
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