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    • amagicwandplease
    • By amagicwandplease 3rd Dec 12, 10:19 PM
    • 78Posts
    • 92Thanks
    Advice for a dfw...with a spendaholic OH please! :(
    • #1
    • 3rd Dec 12, 10:19 PM
    Advice for a dfw...with a spendaholic OH please! :( 3rd Dec 12 at 10:19 PM
    Hi, looking for advice on how to 'MSE' my other half please!

    We are a working couple with 2 young kids and a fair bit of debt from careless 20's....
    When I turned 30 I decided it was time to buck up our ideas and started a DMP for my cc's. OH has fewer than me, and wouldn't go with it but was happy for me to do so...

    Since then I spend every waking hour worrying about how we'll pay the bills as he's self employed and weekly paid so from one week to the next is a bit 'seat of pants'!

    He on the other hand carries on regardless, he smokes and enjoys a beer, while I feel this is an unnecessary waste of money, he thinks 'i work, I earn it, I want it so ill have it'. Rather than looking at the bigger picture and saving here and there when we can.

    Has anyone else ever found a way round this? I've tried every kind of explanation/argument/fight I can think of and it's starting to wear me down now, I just want a better life!
Page 1
    • I will win
    • By I will win 3rd Dec 12, 10:29 PM
    • 48 Posts
    • 194 Thanks
    I will win
    • #2
    • 3rd Dec 12, 10:29 PM
    • #2
    • 3rd Dec 12, 10:29 PM
    Hi sorry to hear your predicament, am a guy who likes a beer aswell, but i know bills need to be paid,personally if it was easy enough tell him your leaving or put him out and see if he still doesnt care then carry out. Your better than that. Hope things get better
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    • firesidemaid
    • By firesidemaid 3rd Dec 12, 10:48 PM
    • 2,120 Posts
    • 3,128 Thanks
    • #3
    • 3rd Dec 12, 10:48 PM
    • #3
    • 3rd Dec 12, 10:48 PM
    i feel for you.

    how do you currently work your finances - are they generally joint or still separate? ie. do you pool all your money and then have some pocket money each or does your OH give you an amount?

    do you have an SOA as such so that you know how much money you need for bills per month including putting a monthly amount away for annual bills too?

    where does the money come from to pay for each of your credit cards? does one of you earn more than the other?

    you could budget a monthly amount each for family savings and then you each could have 'pocket money' to spend on what you like - if he chooses to spend it on beer/fags then he can but there wouldn't be anything else eg. takeaways etc.

    if you don't already, you could start with a savings goal of 3-months joint wages to cover you if you lost your jobs. perhaps start with this small goal and see how it goes.

    without knowing how much you have spare each month it's difficult to comment more x
    • amagicwandplease
    • By amagicwandplease 5th Dec 12, 8:59 AM
    • 78 Posts
    • 92 Thanks
    • #4
    • 5th Dec 12, 8:59 AM
    • #4
    • 5th Dec 12, 8:59 AM
    Thanks I Will Win and Firesmaid for your help.

    I've tried all the 'i'll leave' stuff but its difficult with the kids really, it would be him that would need to leave and neither of us want that for the children.

    As for our finances, we have separate accounts but as he gets paid weekly (differing amounts too!) its quite hard to keep tabs on. I also get paid 4 weekly so we dont ever have an end of month pay/pay-bills, I just have to stagger it all over the month, CCs included.

    I think the hard thing is that we both work and do feel that we shouldnt have to worry what we put in our trolley or if the kids want mc d's for tea once a week but we just never seem to have anything left over and we really should and its frustrating!!

    Perhaps I should try to separate our money back a bit so that he has some pressure too, although it is hard because he earns more than me so will think he's being hard-done-by. At the moment in reality he pays for most bills but as I deal with it all he doesnt really know a lot about it!

    Guess I just need to get him to grow up and realise how it is a bit more, I was just hoping someone out there might have known a magic formula for waking him up and getting him to join in 'the game'! :/
  • ShinyShoes
    • #5
    • 5th Dec 12, 9:05 AM
    • #5
    • 5th Dec 12, 9:05 AM
    My situation is quite similar ... as I'm the one checking the bank accounts DH thinks he can spend what he likes. At the moment I'm trying to explain what a financial mess we're in (or I am as debts in my name) yet when he goes shopping he still comes hope with a bottle of wine. I've tried to encourage him to go for the cheap bottles but he says he doesn't like the taste. He also almost had a tissy fit when cooking the other day as he wanted me to pop out and get a bottle of red for the food. I said he doesn't have to put it in the dish but he said what's the point in cooking it if he can't follow the recipe.

    I feel for you, and hope some people reply with some good tips I can use too. It's so hard to try and turn things around when all your good efforts get wasted unnecessarily.
  • marathon man
    • #6
    • 5th Dec 12, 9:23 AM
    • #6
    • 5th Dec 12, 9:23 AM
    The fact that you have separate bank accounts is a problem in itself as you don't know how much he puts in, takes out, whether he has an overdraft, bank loan or some credit cards with substantial sums owing.

    The first thing that I would do, in your case, is to sit down and spell it out that this cannot continue. You should definitely open up a joint bank account into which you both put an agreed sum via a standing order, with his being higher as he earns more. This could be with a Halifax Reward account where the account gets a £5 credit in each month that £1,000 is paid into it. All bills should be paid from this account via direct debits and standing orders. You could also set up a monthly transfer to a savings account. You should arrange that any cheques drawn from it MUST have both signatures on it. You should also be very careful with any debit card issued for the account.
    Your husband should act responsibly here if you two are going to have a future.
    As regards his smoking, you should make every effort to persuade him to stop. Bombard him with literature. If he were to stop, he could put £x into a separate holiday savings account each month, for instance. That is a tangible reward.
    You could start growing veggies, either at home or by trying to get an allotment, so that will be a healthier way of life and give exercise in the fresh air. You will save a lot of money on buying veggies and salad crops. By trying to dig in the garden or allotment regularly, he could see how unfit his drinking and smoking have made him.
    Apart from the kids, there are two in this relationship and you shouldn't miss out on having a happy life because of his selfishness. I am not saying that you should withdraw (ahem!) conjugal rights but you need to exercise your right to be heard in whatever way you can.
    Good luck !
  • FinKite
    • #7
    • 5th Dec 12, 9:50 AM
    • #7
    • 5th Dec 12, 9:50 AM
    I think part of the problem here is you saying you deal with it so he doesn't really see it.
    Every month you should sit down together and predict as best you can what is coming in over the next month, and what needs to go out - and then phase that according to the weekly pay buckets.
    The important thing is it is TOGETHER. He needs to see that your spreadsheet doesn't add up over the month. Put everything in - his cigarettes included - but don't do the work for him, involve him, get him to estimate how much on cigarettes.
    Update the spreadsheet EVERY DAY. Don't update his spends for him. He needs to see that the £5 spend he just made is a quarter of the I allocated money for the month!
    Do an SOA, but ask him where he wants you both to cut back - what are his priorities, what can he do?
    He will not have a LBM when he's not involved in the figures!
    • Angry Bear
    • By Angry Bear 5th Dec 12, 10:46 AM
    • 1,911 Posts
    • 4,678 Thanks
    Angry Bear
    • #8
    • 5th Dec 12, 10:46 AM
    • #8
    • 5th Dec 12, 10:46 AM
    As regards his smoking, you should make every effort to persuade him to stop. Bombard him with literature.
    Originally posted by marathon man
    Agree with most of what you say except this. From personal experience (as a now ex-smoker) the more people tried to force me to give up the worse it was. I tried to give up, but as it was for someone else not me I failed miserably. Then felt like a miserable failure, and began to resent the people who tried to pressure me. Refused to try again and got more an more resentful and angry and so on...
    He already knows the cost and the dangers, but has to come to a decision to quit on his own or he will fail. Perhaps encourage him to try roll-ups to save money.
    Do you not know that a man is not dead while his name is still spoken?
    !!!8213; Sir Terry Pratchett, 1948-2015
    • Ellieseleven
    • By Ellieseleven 5th Dec 12, 11:53 AM
    • 2,106 Posts
    • 6,792 Thanks
    • #9
    • 5th Dec 12, 11:53 AM
    • #9
    • 5th Dec 12, 11:53 AM
    I am in a similar situation to you and have tried everything with my OH which usually results in him sulking and refusing to speak about things further, it really is like living with a totally spoilt brat!

    My OH is self-employed but his work is so seasonal that for 4/5 months a year he doesn't contribute anything at all. He spends any money he has on beer and cigs and takes no part in the finances at all.

    I have tried everything to involve him but he really isn't interested, I cant throw him out as he has nowhere to go and as I said it like looking after a spoilt child so I feel responsible for him.

    Luckily, I earn a good wage and can afford to pay all the bills (now we're on a DMP) out of my salary. What I do though is save as much money as I can and put it into a savings account that is soley in my name so that I have an emergency fund.

    Sorry I haven't really got any suggestions to help you but I think attitude is something that is very difficult to alter and often requires drastic action that we are loathe to take out of love, family, sense of responsibility etc.

    Good Luck and if you do find the answer I for one would be very interested

    Ellie xx
    Debt Free 1st March 2017
    Saving for Xmas 2017 #1 £548/ £732
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    • StressedSteph
    • By StressedSteph 5th Dec 12, 12:54 PM
    • 2,807 Posts
    • 10,875 Thanks
    Hi hun,

    I think getting hubby to sit down with you once a week/month to look at a spreadsheet is a very good idea. I have a bad habit of dealing with it on my own with hubby having no clue where we are with money.

    Setting up a joint account where all the household direct debits are withdrawn from is ESSENTIAL. I have no clue how you juggle it all with two separate accounts. Over-spending is far too easy with your set up as you never quite know whats happenning.

    Maybe when you sit down with him each Sunday night to look at the accounts, you could show him what bills are going out in the next week and work out together what money you have spare for "Extras", e.g fags & beer. When the extra pocket money each is gone, thats it until next week.?? He won't like it, but explain what the alternatives are!!. Does he want to lose his home??.

    Does hubby smoke proper cigarettes or roll-ups?. My hubby tried to give up ages ago but his heart wasnt in it, so he changed to roll-ups with an added in filter. This only costs £13 per 7-10 days for a 50gram packet. Loads cheaper than cigarettes.

    Would hubby consider abit of fun making some homebrew?. There are lots of cheapish beer/lager or wine starter kits and once you have the kit you are away.

    If all this fails, then maybe shock treatment is the only way forward. Threaten to leave him to drown in his debt on his own if he won't compromise at all. It's not fair for you to have all the worry and carry the burden without him at least trying to meet you half way.

    Best of luck hun, I have the same problems but as hubby makes his own cider and smokes a small amount of roll-ups and does'nt really buy anything else, I can cope with him not really being interested in the finances as he isnt draining them too much.

    OOverdraft £594 / Very £587 / Bank of Scot - £1535 /
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  • life unexpected
    My OH is the same, though our situation is different all the debt is his and up until two moths ago i new nothing about it. I've give him to after Christmas to get his spending with in what he earns and pay the minimum balance of his. Which fingers crossed he seems to be doing as I have taken all his cards off him. Though he still has to have his bottle of wine and driving the car everywhere rather than walking to the shop.

    The plan for the new year is to open a joint bank account.
    Make sure we sit down the weekend before pay day and sort out what is due out.
    I am taking over all the finances and we will both have pocket money...So if he wants to spend his money on wine he is going to find it soon runs out.
  • gruffalosgirl
    hi just wanted to add my piece as a 'trying to reform shopaholic oh' I would spend friviously without thinking about bills etc as my oh would deal with the money and kept trying to save etc while I spent. Then a few things happened and I started to take more care at looking at the finances and when I did I nearly keeled over at the amount of money we (I) was wasting on not very much. So I would really suggest that you get him to look over the figures, honestly I got told time and time again we needed to be more careful with money but it wasn't until I saw it in black and white for myself that I took any real notice and now I'm not perfect but I'm getting better!!

    Also on the subject of the weekly pay my oh gets paid weekly too and what we find works is having two accounts, a bills account and a spending account. We added up all the direct debits that we pay each month then split the total into 4 (as there are 4 pay days in a month), each payday the wages go into the spending account then instantly by standing into the bills account so we don't even know its been there and whatever is left in the spending account is ours to spend. We also transfer money each week into our savings in the same way. It can be quite tricky at first as obviously some weeks have more bill payments than others but we have added in small amounts extra to buffer any weeks more gets paid out and eventually it evens itself out but it needs to be kept on top of at first to ensure there is always enough for the bills each week. The spending account can look really poor one week and really healthy the next depending on shifts/overtime but we're trying to stick to a realistic budget which means we also have a buffer in there.

    But going back to your original question, your oh needs to see it for himself in black and white if you ever want him to see what needs to happen.
    • picket fence
    • By picket fence 5th Dec 12, 4:15 PM
    • 163 Posts
    • 391 Thanks
    picket fence
    I'm going to throw a spanner in the works here, you've had a lot of advice on opening a joint account. When we had a joint account it didn't work and ended up in debt because of my OH's spending. I think the joint account will only work, if you both want the same thing and approach spending/saving with the same attitude. We've now both seen the light (I wasn't as bad, but we both spent too much), are more frugal and sensible, with direct debits etc set up and less spending on treats, but we've still got our own accounts...
    • lika_86
    • By lika_86 5th Dec 12, 6:24 PM
    • 1,261 Posts
    • 4,585 Thanks
    You state in your thread title that he's a 'spendaholic' but then mention that he smokes and enjoys a beer.

    To be honest, I think you're at risk of alienating him completely if you start banning the little things that people enjoy. As long as he's not on weekly all night benders buying rounds for all and sundry, let him enjoy a beer every now and again. In the grand scheme of things it could be a lot worse. I get that you're super keen on this right now but it's only likely to cause arguments unless you ease up a bit.
    • harrys dad
    • By harrys dad 5th Dec 12, 7:02 PM
    • 1,886 Posts
    • 2,164 Thanks
    harrys dad
    You may not be able to leave him because of the kids but you could adopt the policy of Lysistrata, as could the other posters with a similar problem.
    • Pleaseadvise
    • By Pleaseadvise 5th Dec 12, 7:34 PM
    • 124 Posts
    • 157 Thanks
    The smoking is really hard to watch, I know! As a lifelong non-smoker, seeing £30 a week, £1500 a year going up in smoke was so frustrating for me! But nagging him to stop didn't work. He made many attempts, always failing and telling me it was 'harder to give up smoking than heroin' - not that he'd ever tried heroin! He did agree to smoke outside for the sake of the children's health, and after years of that finally decided for himself to give up. It wasn't even hard, when he was motivating himself. It's a huge relief.
    Making threats to leave is not a thing to do lightly. Better to have love, even if you live in a cardboard box, than live alone in a palace, I'd say (though admittedly I haven't tried living in a cardboard box).
    • firesidemaid
    • By firesidemaid 5th Dec 12, 9:40 PM
    • 2,120 Posts
    • 3,128 Thanks
    as you have kids, they come first.

    you both need to sit down and work out ALL annual/monthly bills and split them into 52 amounts, so you know how much you need to put aside per per week.

    how you split it, personally if person A earns £1000 per month and person B earns £1500 per month, then A provides 2/5 of the amount required and B 3/5 of amount required.

    then, preferably each person provides a (small amount to start off) proportion for a savings account in same proportions.

    what is left is yours to spend - altho depends whether you've included ALL annual spendih including xmas etc.

    get this sorted first before you start on him to give up smoking etc. if you do the finances first and he realises how much real life costs (and while he is in debt, he is paying interest to smoke/drink etc whilst he is not paying off his debts with this money) he may realise naturally that all his pocket money is going on this.

    little steps xx
    • foxgloves
    • By foxgloves 6th Dec 12, 1:41 PM
    • 3,971 Posts
    • 20,414 Thanks
    When we started debt-busting, we had separate bank accounts & although we organised bill/mortgage-paying fairly so we both paid out equal amount, apart from that, we each used our accounts individually. We both worked, but had a lot of debt (2 overdrafts, 2 loans, 2 car loans, 2 credit cards) & although we both wanted to get it all paid off, I'd say that I definitely had my lightbulb moment earlier than my husband! He did get on board with it 2 or 3 months later because we had a long talk about how yes, we could afford to service all the debts, but when we added up what we were paying each month, he could really see how it was stopping us saving for some bigger things we'd really like, holidays, maybe moving house to another region, etc. I started managing the money with the aim of paying off the debt, but it was really difficult with the 2 separate accounts, & he was obviously seeing his account as 'his money' & continuing to buy lots of dvds, CDs, mags, etc, all regularly plopping thro the letterbox while I was trying to get our finances straight. He did want to be debt-free, just was obviously not going to be as strong at budgeting as me. We decided to change to a joint bank account. I made a list of all the outgoings so he knew what was going out each month & what money was left over after bills, groceries, petrol, etc. We decided we'd each have an agreed sum of cash every month for our own personal spending money & this has worked well. Because he's been able to see the money (it's cash) going down as he spends it, he has become brilliant at careful spending & is quite smug if he has cash left at the end of the month! I do all the actual budgeting, as I have more time & have the strongest budgeting skills, but I think the joint bank account was key. We are married, our finances are tied thru the mortgage & joint bills, etc, so there's really no 'his' & 'her' money, just 'our money'. We did get the debts all paid off & so far, we have stuck to our new regime & are living within our means. If your partner doesn't want to take financial responsibility, you may have to to it for him. Good luck with it all.
    Last edited by foxgloves; 06-12-2012 at 1:43 PM.
  • j19842
    Everyone here is very quick to defend the OP, but as with any domestic situation, there are three versions of events: His, Hers, then the truth!

    Unless this bloke is drinking to excess, then I find it wholly unreasonable that his partner considers this an "un necessary expense".

    Be grateful you've got a bloke that actually gets out of bed and goes to work!
    • StressedSteph
    • By StressedSteph 6th Dec 12, 4:42 PM
    • 2,807 Posts
    • 10,875 Thanks
    Everyone here is very quick to defend the OP, but as with any domestic situation, there are three versions of events: His, Hers, then the truth!

    Unless this bloke is drinking to excess, then I find it wholly unreasonable that his partner considers this an "un necessary expense".

    Be grateful you've got a bloke that actually gets out of bed and goes to work!
    Originally posted by j19842
    Haha you do have a small point in that. but if the OP isn't spending frivilously, but the oh is spending £30 per week on cigarettes and going down the pub frequently. Then until debts are addressed there needs to be cut backs. Like it or not

    Like I suggested, maybe smoking roll ups and buying a few tins from a supermarket instead of expensive beer in pubs. Does'nt have to be forever, but just until they have control of the finances.
    OOverdraft £594 / Very £587 / Bank of Scot - £1535 /
    Lloyds cc - £2679 / Barclay cc £2994 / MBNA £5596
    September 2017 = £13985
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