Newly single :-(

needtopaymydebts · 19 June 2018 at 7:46PM

I haven't been around here for a while, i've been happily married or so i thought and busy paying off my debts!

We have no significant debt and our house is up for sale all ready to move to a big 5 bed family home. However, we have found a buyer and he has suddenly told me that he doesn't want to come with us, he hasn't been happy for years and can't face a future that he is not convinced by. I do agree that he hasn't been happy as looking back his heart hasn't been in our relationship and we've bickered and argued often to the point where i have considered leaving myself as i didn't want the children to see us arguing. But I always stayed as I thought it would do more damage to separate and he is my best friend, I thought it would all be a bit more relaxed when we weren't cramped into a small home and we could have some more time for each other as the children get older.

He has only been gone a couple of weeks but i'm struggling, in laws telling me to wait for him to come home. My parents are telling me to change my own behaviour to convince him to stay and by this they mean give up my own hobbies to stay at home and do all of the housework, cooking, cleaning and shopping to make him feel better!!! I know this isn't realistic and i don't want to give up who i am for the rest of my life.

At the moment I swing from feeling incredibly sad and tearful to really angry. I have no idea where to start.

I've been trying to find an alternative house but on only my wage i'm going to struggle. He has told me that he will never see us stuck and fully intends to pay his share and more to help raise the kids together. I know thousands of others have been here before and I know it will get easier but i'm just feeling so lost and need a bit of a point in the right direction.

Lrimas · 19 June 2018 at 8:02PM

Just wanted to say that I am really sorry to hear that you are having a rough time.

It takes two people to make a relationship work and your parents comments are really not helpful (you will be miserable and he probably won't be any happier)

Good luck. Put one foot in front of the other and take one day at a time. Things WILL get better.

needtopaymydebts · 19 June 2018 at 8:06PM

Thank You

I also wanted to add that my husband has told me that he doesn't want me to change, he feels that we have both lost our way and need to get out and both learn how to be happy again. Other than feeling huge sadness he has done nothing untoward and this almost feels worse as he has walked away right at the moment that we achieved the dream and goal that we had been working towards!

Savvy_Sue · 20 June 2018 at 2:27AM

Have either or both of you been to relationship counselling? I don't know, it might help with the transition if nothing else. It's so easy for "I'd never see you stuck" to change to "you are being unreasonable" over time.

needtopaymydebts · 20 June 2018 at 12:15PM

Thank you, I have asked him to go either alone or together but although he did say he maybe needs to he has built up his walls around himself again and is now refusing to budge.

I know what you mean about the never seeing me short thing, I don't want the remnants of our relationship to be a discussion over money but i'm also conscious that for now he may be willing to provide anything we want/need as he feels bad that it has ended. However, neither of us know what the future holds and I really don't want to be reliant on him forever. I will never turn down anything he wants to provide for the children but I just don't get how he can walk away but still want to provide for me. I want his love and his time not his money :-(

Working_Mum · 22 June 2018 at 2:42PM

I know this i a forum about money but this one may help you navigate where you are and help shed some light on why your husband is behaving the way he is

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/

It's very Amercian-ised but may help put some thing in perspective

((hugs))

positivekate · 23 June 2018 at 12:45PM

I'm so sorry to hear this and hope you come to a point in your life where you can finally put all of this behind you and be happy.

I am in a similar situation. At the start of this year myself, my husband and our 3 children were living in our dream home, we both had really great jobs, cars, holidays, everything we could ever want materialistically.

Fast forward to now. Over the course of this year I have been diagnosed with two awful illnesses and lost my job due to those. I then found out that due to the stress of me being poorly and losing my job, my lovely husband had been 'talking' to another woman. He completely denied an affair although now that I have moved out of our family home, they are now in a relationship.

I'm now waiting for my benefits to be sorted out. I have luckily been offered a housing association home for me and the children. I have no car at present and a mountain of debt. I must admit I'm terrified of our new life but trying to see everything as a blessing in disguise.

I am determined to turn it all into a positive

I have started a debt free diary about my progress too!

Don't let him drag you down. You can do this!

With regards to your housing situation would you consider HA housing temporarily? It has really helped me and the kids to make our first stepping stone.

Always here if you'd like to chat too. Sending you and your little family lots of love x

needtopaymydebts · 28 June 2018 at 8:53PM

Hi, a childhood friend has offered to rent me her old home, she is going to reduce the rent by about £60 a month for me and this is only a few streets away from where we currently live and close to the childrens school. I suppose in a way i'm lucky that I put my foot down with the savings a while ago... he hated it at the time and looking back it wasn't the saying and debt paying he disliked it was me having control of things. So I'm in a hugely lucky situation that I have very little debt, less than £4000 which is currently interest free and I had swapped my thirsty estate car for a super efficient tiny one. I know i'm in a good position to some but i'm just really struggling to get my head around how it has come to this. I'm really trying to work out a budget but he seems to have picked a figure out of thin air that he is going to pay me monthly and having never lived on my own with the kids I have no idea what our regular costs will be. I think i will let the kids 'give up' their swimming lessons which will free up some more money and then i just need to save as much as possible.

There are two new build sites close by which we had looked to buy on ourselves but they're really popular so the sale people don't need to sell and don't really have the time or interest to let me know which plots will be coming up for sale and when as they know they will sell them easily elsewhere. I'm only looking at the new builds as I qualify for the help to buy scheme.

I haven't been back to work since it happened yet but my GP gave me a sick note today after i fell apart in the surgery.

My plan to get through tomorrow is to ring the works counselling service, go for a bike ride with a friend and call into the site office for the houses that I love to try and pin down future build plans.

In addition to my earlier comments our family home has now Sold STC and i'm finding it hard to work out where to start packing it all up. I don't just want to take boxes of memories with me and I know he won't be around to help me move on. I just really don't want him to go, even though i know eventually i will know it was for the best.

Robots · 23 July 2018 at 11:01AM

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation, and I'm sending you a long (but not creepy) hug.

I would advise not listening to any advice about whether to try and stay together/get him back right now; I would say just try to find a way to carry on right now and keep things going (yourself, children, etc). Whether you stay together or not will become clear in time, it's not something that is decided quickly (or manipulated as someone has suggested to you).

As a previous poster said, put one foot in front of the other each day and just try to focus on what is needed right now.

I wish you all the luck and best wishes. I've been in this situation and its absolutely crap - but it doesn't last forever.

needtopaymydebts · 2 September 2018 at 8:08AM

I just wanted to pop back and say thank you to everyone who replied. I managed to deal with the sale of our first family home. It was so sad and I felt let down and disappointed with how he dealt with it and how much I had to do to ensure the sale went through and now i'm just muddling through trying to update my address on everything!

It's so hard as I'm changing things knowing deep down that i'll probably be sat doing the same thing again in 12 months time... but hopefully for my forever home and the kids will have stopped comparing mammys crappy old tv to the bank spanking new one daddy has bought by then.

I really do appreciate everyones opinion, whether it works for me or not is different but it's nice to know that you took time out from your own life to offer some advice

Thanks :-)

MovingForwards · 2 September 2018 at 9:49AM

You will get there, just take it one day at a time.

Learn to live your life as you and the kids only.

Do not wait around thinking he will come back, do not put your life on hold waiting.

His family have his interests at heart. Your family should have yours!

Many of us have walked in your shoes x

Newly single :-(

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