Worried about my childrens relationship with thier mum.

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  • Oakdene
    Oakdene Posts: 2,560 Forumite
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    Sorry all have been away from work for a few days with the kids...

    Thank you for all who posted, will try & go through them now & also thank you for the support, I will always try to be the best Dad I can & I do believe that kids can get more out of a weekend camping than they will say on a 5 star holiday. I just didn't realise until now that their mum was favouring the boys. If I'm honest the sleep over thing did annoy me, because it is literally the only thing my daughter has asked her to do. When she has had cadet camp, I have had to drop her off (even on my non weekends) which I don't mind but it's just heartbreaking to see my daughter wondering why her mum is treating her differently to her brothers.
    Tabbytabitha wrote: »
    Don't answer if it isn't relevant but was there a reason that the children were separated afer the divorce?

    After we split up, my ex (as you do) met someone new who I think is quite over bearing on her mum & the kids. My daughter, being a little older than my son didn't like this & it caused friction between my daughter & the new man. My ex got her mum to drop my daughter off at my mums saying '<Ex wife> has had enough of the bickering between <daughter> & <new man> & she isn't welcome to live with her anymore'.
    Dwy galon, un dyhead,
    Dwy dafod ond un iaith,
    Dwy raff yn cydio’n ddolen,
    Dau enaid ond un taith.
  • Oakdene
    Oakdene Posts: 2,560 Forumite
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    Kynthia wrote: »
    You may be reading a lot into a few incidences. Driving that far in the evening when other children are at home needing dinner and to be put to bed may have been too much of an inconvenience when a daytime activity, like football, is more doable.

    Cinema for an adult and one child is a lot less than with an additional 2 children. Plus there's not many films suitable for a 4 year old that a 13 year old will want to watch. Then there might also be the possibility that the 4 year old is missing his brother and needs cheering up, while the other two are together without him.

    Taking her 4 year old to Disneyland Paris, so that he isn't the only one not to have gone that year isnt that shocking, even if many of us wouldn't choose to do things that way. Perhaps she sees all the places you take your children to and she's worried her youngest will be missing out and feel jealous. There are lots of possible reasons.

    Activities for a family of five are very expensive. Plus you might not be factoring the difficulties in finding activities suitable for a three year old and a teenager. As long as their mum is spending time with them, listening to them and loving them then I'm sure they will be fine.

    I see what you mean & maybe I am looking into things a bit too much however just to counter a little with the bits in bold...

    The driving thing annoyed me more because she will happily go out of her way to take the boys places, & the driving (for the sleep over) wasn't at night, it was in the day time...

    Very true with regards to the holiday cost, however as a single Dad looking to take 2 children away it can't be that different from 2 incomes into a house taking 3 children away?
    Dwy galon, un dyhead,
    Dwy dafod ond un iaith,
    Dwy raff yn cydio’n ddolen,
    Dau enaid ond un taith.
  • Rachel83
    Rachel83 Posts: 335 Forumite
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    Oakdene wrote: »
    Very true with regards to the holiday cost, however as a single Dad looking to take 2 children away it can't be that different from 2 incomes into a house taking 3 children away?

    But surely the mum should be able to take the one child out whilst you take the two children out? That one child misses out on the days out you take your two children out. All three children are not going to be able to do the same things.
    As for Disneyland maybe she’s compensating for a holiday you took your children on? It’s all speculation. Worry about your time with your children.
  • Oakdene
    Oakdene Posts: 2,560 Forumite
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    Rachel83 wrote: »
    But surely the mum should be able to take the one child out whilst you take the two children out? That one child misses out on the days out you take your two children out. All three children are not going to be able to do the same things.
    As for Disneyland maybe she’s compensating for a holiday you took your children on? It’s all speculation. Worry about your time with your children.

    I could accept this if all three children are mine, however the fact that they are going on a (& I quote) "family holiday" without 2 members of their family strikes me as a bit odd. I guess the only way I could imagine this the other way would be me taking my daughter on holiday & not my son, which I would never do...
    Dwy galon, un dyhead,
    Dwy dafod ond un iaith,
    Dwy raff yn cydio’n ddolen,
    Dau enaid ond un taith.
  • Mojisola
    Mojisola Posts: 35,557 Forumite
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    Oakdene wrote: »
    it's just heartbreaking to see my daughter wondering why her mum is treating her differently to her brothers.

    That is very sad and will likely damage her relationship with her Mum for a very long time.

    All you can do is be the best Dad you can be.
  • takman
    takman Posts: 3,876 Forumite
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    BorisThomson wrote: »
    Re the sleepover, if 22 miles is each way that is a long way, and when you're taking and dropping off and the same next day, that's just short of a hundred miles.

    I don't think 22 miles is particularly far to go for a round trip and then again the next day.
  • Savvy_Sue
    Savvy_Sue Posts: 46,030 Forumite
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    Oakdene wrote: »
    After we split up, my ex (as you do) met someone new who I think is quite over bearing on her mum & the kids. My daughter, being a little older than my son didn't like this & it caused friction between my daughter & the new man. My ex got her mum to drop my daughter off at my mums saying '<Ex wife> has had enough of the bickering between <daughter> & <new man> & she isn't welcome to live with her anymore'.
    I think this says a lot, and honestly, I'm not surprised your DD thinks her mum is treating her differently to her brother(s). However ...
    takman wrote: »
    I don't think 22 miles is particularly far to go for a round trip and then again the next day.
    It's the kind of trip you might need to allow an hour for, each day. Given the logistics of the younger children, I can see how it might be difficult. But Mum's immediate response of "that's not happening" speaks volumes. I sometimes had to say "sorry, can't do that" when faced with requests for taxi services for one or other of my lads, but I used to try and THINK about it first so that if it wasn't possible I could explain why.

    OP, you're in a difficult situation. But when your DD wonders why her mum seems to be treating her differently, I think all you can do is say you don't know. And, as others have said, concentrate on being the best Dad you can - not overcompensating for things they miss out on, but by giving unconditional, sometimes tough, love.

    Life's not fair, life's sometimes tough: as parents we can't make it fair, or easy. What we can do is teach our children how to cope when it's not fair, or it's tough. And keep loving them.
    Signature removed for peace of mind
  • Oakdene
    Oakdene Posts: 2,560 Forumite
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    Savvy_Sue wrote: »
    It's the kind of trip you might need to allow an hour for, each day. Given the logistics of the younger children, I can see how it might be difficult. But Mum's immediate response of "that's not happening" speaks volumes. I sometimes had to say "sorry, can't do that" when faced with requests for taxi services for one or other of my lads, but I used to try and THINK about it first so that if it wasn't possible I could explain why.

    OP, you're in a difficult situation. But when your DD wonders why her mum seems to be treating her differently, I think all you can do is say you don't know. And, as others have said, concentrate on being the best Dad you can - not overcompensating for things they miss out on, but by giving unconditional, sometimes tough, love.

    You may have hit the nail on the head there to be honest. I think the fact she literally laughed/scoffed & said "that's not happening" wound me up.

    I don't bad mouth their Mum, because it's not the done thing but as everyone has said, I will continue to love them both the very best way I can.

    Thank you all
    Dwy galon, un dyhead,
    Dwy dafod ond un iaith,
    Dwy raff yn cydio’n ddolen,
    Dau enaid ond un taith.
  • Jojo_the_Tightfisted
    Jojo_the_Tightfisted Posts: 27,228 Forumite
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    You also need to bear in mind that teenagers are invariably (in their own minds) put upon, neglected and treated worse than everybody else in the entire world, even when they have everything they could ever need and a perfectly loving, 'normal' family setup.

    That doesn't mean there aren't problems in her relationship with the rest of her family - but whilst that can be true, it doesn't mean that she is necessarily the nicest, most loving child in the world when she gets there. If she is, as many teenagers are, sullen, uncooperative, irritable, disinterested or outright verbally aggressive towards somebody she resents, well - it's pretty difficult for the parent on the receiving end to be able to get through to them, never mind start ferrying them around to spend a rare time of contact with somebody else rather than her siblings/mother. And then it's back to the other parent with stories of how she is ignored in favour of the Boys.

    If you find yourself needing to put your foot down about her behaviour at some point in the next couple of years, you could well find yourself being painted as being completely uncaring and disinterested in her - if you meet somebody else (which you are perfectly entitled to do), she could be horrendous to the poor woman either to your face or behind your back or complain that she's horrible to either yourself or her mother.


    I'm not claiming any particular facts in your case, but from working with teenagers for a long time, I've seen it time and time again - and the complete change that comes over some of them between the way they speak to one parent or member of staff, compared to another; different as night and day. Just be aware of it, as often the most heart rending tales, expressions and sighs can evaporate the moment they turn away and think nobody can hear or see them.
    I could dream to wide extremes, I could do or die: I could yawn and be withdrawn and watch the world go by.
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    Yup you are officially Rock n Roll :D
  • Sncjw
    Sncjw Posts: 3,509 Forumite
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    She says that it!!!8217;s expensive to go to cinema what about the £55 maintenfe you pay. Should that not go towards the cost of your children!!!8217;s tickets maybe
    Mortgage free wannabe 

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