Worried about my childrens relationship with thier mum.

Oakdene

Quick bit of background, my ex & I have a son (10) & a daughter (13). My son lives with my ex & my daughter with me, they (usually) spend every weekend together & all the school holiday. My ex has a 3 or 4 year with her new partner. We pay each other maintenance - I pay £55 more a month & I do not have a partner.

There is becoming an continuing issue, in that I feel my children are being left out of trips, visits & events by their mum & her husband. My daughter had been invited to a sleepover on her mum's weekend in a nearby (22 miles) town. I mentioned to her mum that she'd been invited & when I said where she laughed & said "that's not happening". I asked why & she said that she has 2 other kids to worry about & she can't be bothered driving that far. This despite taking both of her sons all across the county for football & parties etc. I said it was ok & that I would take her so she didn't miss out.

In another instance she plans trips to the cinema with her husband & son, on weekends when I have my pair - this I don't mind per say but when my children are with them, they do very little. When I raised this the reply was "well I can't afford to take all 3 of them out for lunch & to the cinema."

The latest is now she has booked a holiday for her, her husband & son to Disneyland Paris in the summer holidays & isn't taking her other 2 children because I am taking them away earlier in the year.

I am getting increasingly concerned that my children are going to feel that they are being left out by their mum & what is worse is she doesn't seem worried that she is doing this.

Am I being unreasonable here in thinking or worrying?

Soundgirlrocks

No I don't think you are wrong, but how much you can do about I'm not entirely sure. This is the just one of the many hurdles that your children will face as part of a blended family. Yes there is an argument that your two are getting a holiday with you so why should they get more than their half sibling, but equally they are missing bonding time with their younger brother and are left out of the family dynamic (added to that the possibly more complex feeling of your son who as he lives with your ex, may feel rejected as he's shipped off to you whilst they go away).

I'm guessing the age gap makes it harder for your ex to find activities they will all enjoy as well as the cost of taking 3 somewhere.

Its something I can understand from your childrens pov having been there myself, when I was younger I acted out because I was jealous of my half siblings. As I got older I appreciated that I got time with my Dad that was different and I got to do stuff they didn't (and vice versa) and choice about who I went away with on holiday.

There are no easy answers and to a certain extent its just something they will have to deal with. It may be that your children are fine with the current arrangements, or they may be more effected. Only you will be able to tell but be careful not to project your feelings onto the situation.

BorisThomson

I can see both sides of this. Your concerns are valid, but just as you are trying to do your best for your two, she is trying to balance the needs and wants of her three.

Re the sleepover, if 22 miles is each way that is a long way, and when you're taking and dropping off and the same next day, that's just short of a hundred miles.

I get the holiday trip for her son as your two are already going away. It's only fair that the other son has a holiday too.

You mention other parties and sports. I take it mum does do things with them at other times?

PeacefulWaters

Focus on being the best Dad you can be.

No point trying to influence those who you can no longer influence.

Marvel1

Just keep doing what you are doing, the children will realise this when they are older.

Loz01

Agree with others, keep doing what you are doing, you cant make other people behave differently or be better. You can only walk your own path. If the kids ask, explain to them best you can but at the end of the day they will value you more when they grow up for all the "small" things you have done for them (eg driving your daughter to her friends sleepover) - In my opinion of growing up, its the little things that you remember and value as you grow up.

Fireflyaway

Your kids are old enough to notice so they will make their own minds up. Do whatever you can to be a great parent and your actions will speak for themselves. You can't make you ex change the way she is and if she can't afford things then she can't afford it. I do agree it's wrong to treat your kids differently but maybe she sees it as your responsibility to provide for your daughter as she has twice the mouths to feed? Not fair but a possible point of view?

Tabbytabitha

Don't answer if it isn't relevant but was there a reason that the children were separated afer the divorce?

pearl123

I can understand your concern. It's rather sad that she excluding children at times. I agree with others - just do the best you can.
Your children will make their minds up one day about whether they were treated fairly.

Kynthia

You may be reading a lot into a few incidences. Driving that far in the evening when other children are at home needing dinner and to be put to bed may have been too much of an inconvenience when a daytime activity, like football, is more doable.

Cinema for an adult and one child is a lot less than with an additional 2 children. Plus there's not many films suitable for a 4 year old that a 13 year old will want to watch. Then there might also be the possibility that the 4 year old is missing his brother and needs cheering up, while the other two are together without him.

Taking her 4 year old to Disneyland Paris, so that he isn't the only one not to have gone that year isnt that shocking, even if many of us wouldn't choose to do things that way. Perhaps she sees all the places you take your children to and she's worried her youngest will be missing out and feel jealous. There are lots of possible reasons.

Activities for a family of five are very expensive. Plus you might not be factoring the difficulties in finding activities suitable for a three year old and a teenager. As long as their mum is spending time with them, listening to them and loving them then I'm sure they will be fine.

FBaby

I agree, focus on the dad you are. The kids will quickly get to realise where her priorities are. You can't make her the mum she isn't unfortunately. I know it's hard to see your kids going through that realisation, but the better dad you are and the more they will see that at least they got you.