Really really bad family issue : I need guidance

Charleyalmostking · 7 May 2018 at 11:34AM

I wrote on my blog a few weeks ago with this being part of it "I don't have a strong relationship with my family any more, I talk to my mum and sister but not anyone else too much. We've all grown apart and I have my own different values to them as well as there's been multiple instances that I should never of had to go through from a family member. It's another reason why I want to change my life, so I can ensure my future children do not go through this and so they have a happier life that what I felt I had."

My auntie found it and left me a message saying "Hi *Flix* , I read your blog. You are surrounded by family who love you - why write such lies? I’m both saddened and disgusted !!!128546; You separate yourself from your loving family by your choice, not ours...."

But she doesn't know half the stuff I deal with , I want to reply but know it's going to cause even more trouble. My dad is her brother by the way and her other brother is the one who planted the knife in my bag . My nan is her mum .

Here's the messages we exchanged;
ME: I don't want to fight but if I'm honest a lot of stuff happened last year or so that you don't know about that's been bad enough that I don't want that and it's not me wanting to be separate but honestly I can't be close. It hurt me that much .

Her: Maybe I know more than you think. That is one year, you’ve had a whole lifetime of love and you still do. Even so, keep it to your self, there is no interest in the rest of world knowing. Do you think I’ve had it easy? Have I told the world? Be an adult and don’t hang your dirty laundry for all to see - true or not. I’ll only say this once.

Me:
I guarantee you don't. Me putting it online was my own way of venting since i couldn't talk to any of my family ... as it always ends up being my fault and that my own thoughts or feelings were invalid .

Her: Lies again. You can talk to me, nan, *ada* , *Saphire* , *Bob* etc. Vent to us, not publicly. When you do that you are muddying our name and we have nothing to deserve that, only love and include you. Grow up, be an adult, deal with it in the circle of love that you have. I am incredibly annoyed with your actions and request that you desist from any further venting of my family!

Me: And that's just proven my point.

her:
That you can slag off my family and no one say anything! This stops now! What do you think nana d grandad will feel if they knew what awful stuff you were saying so publicly - vile and disgusting!

Me:
You say about them finding out this but I'm sure they won't be happy to know that my dad punched me a few weeks before I was due to move out along with other instances where he felt like he had to use violence against his own daughter during arguments , as well as accusing me time after time of doing drugs, and smoking when I was clean and never have done any of that , telling me it was my fault for being bullied. When I had depression I was told to just "get over it as I had nothing to be depressed about" ... the fact that i could have been in serious trouble if the lady in tesco or my manager at work caught me eith that stupid steak knife in my bag , and beung told i was invalid and yet I'm in the wrong ?

Her: Clearly *dan* talking. Grow up, I have lost a bit of respect for you *flix* , be your own person not what he wants you to be. We were there a long time before him and will be a long time after he’s gone. Be careful were your loyalties lie, you could end up very lonely...

Me:
*dan* been the only one there for me . this ain't got nothing to do with him. How is my dad hitting me to do with him? Id rather have 1 person to be loyal to then this . All I've done is tell the truth .

her:
Whatever, just stop slagging off a good family who don’t deserve it public. Good luck with him, you’ll need it...,

___________________
Context:

My nan said she'd pick me up to go to a farewell party as my auntie (THE ONE WHO SENT ME THOSE MESSAGES) is moving to France and last friday was her last night . So I get in her car and all she's done is complain about how long she's been driving for, the fact that she chose to ignore her sat nav and then moaned that it'll take an extra 15 mins to get to the place ... saying she hates this journey and such... I'm trying to make convo and she's ignoring me but talking to my grandad. Making me feel guilty for moving an hour away.

I don't get on with my mum much it's always so awkward when I'm on the phone... it sounds like she wants to go all the time so when i say bye or wrap it up she gets funny... or when i say something she's never interested ...like walking on eggshells.everytime I talk to my mum she makes funny faces at me as if she's not interested or disgusted with me... keeps saying yeah really like vaguely. ... keeps rolling her eyes when i mention wedding ... not that I go on but they gave my younger cousins my disney snow globes and I said "oohh may have to borrow them for my wedding " and that was it...

I've not spoken to my dad properly since Christmas ... as sad as it is I'm reversered fron him as before I moved out he punched/hit me and in my younger years he'd say it was my fault for being bullied and one time he threw my office chair at me (missed but atill) and kicked me. Obviously mum didn't believe me each time I tried to go to her ; and I never took it further cos I felt guilty and wrong cos he was my dad. My sister is the favourite as she has Autism and they make a big deal of it and of awareness (such as posting about it on facebook) but when I got diagnosed with depression and had weeks off on numerous occasions because of it, I'm supposed to 'cheer up as I have nothing to be depressed about" .

I never talk to my uncle (bob*) as he caused !!!! last year by putting a steak knife in the front of my bag and didn't tell me until i found out when I went to get my purse out. Bearing in mind I work with 2-3yr olds and obviously used that bag for work and everyone in my family said I was being stupid and my feelings were invalid when i said I could have lost my job or worse if found.

My cousin (Saphire - her daughter) whose in France I never speak to she again caused trouble when we were little, getting my dad to be on her side then his own daughters . She also wrote nasty !!!! when this knife thing happend and her boyfriend threatened to break my Fiance's legs. And now she's definitely not invited to the wedding but my nan said she wont come if my cousins not invited

I yearn to be close but I can't. It's been nice with just me and my f.h and I want to cut ties as much as I can , only going to family events when nesday but them I've been accused of disowning them and that I'm selfish and I don't love my family.

story in short
I have a ton of family issues including the past when my dad was violent towards me and posted a blog post about how I am becoming distant to family , my auntie found it and now I'm not part of 'HER' family.

And now , I'm in bits at how awful she spoke to me and how an earth I'm going to carry on my life ?

Gavin83 · 7 May 2018 at 12:18PM

To mirror the advice you got last time, if your family are this much of an issue just cut them out of your life completely. Life is too short to associate with those people who cause problems.

Charleyalmostking · 7 May 2018 at 12:34PM

How can I do that?
I don't talk to them much now,
and I rarely see anyone...
What else can I do ?

Gavin83 · 7 May 2018 at 8:58PM

Ask them not to contact you anymore. Tell them if they continue to do so you'll report them to the police for harassment.

Pyxis · 7 May 2018 at 9:42PM

I'm a bit confused.

I'm not sure I fully understand what it is you want from your family.

A.
Do you want them to love you and validate your feelings?
They have said they do love you, but they don't appear to validate your feelings.
For that to happen, further talks with them need to happen. Not easy, though, without it degenerating into accusation and recrimination on all sides.
If this is the problem, maybe some sort of mediation would be an idea?

B.
However, if you just don't want anything to do with any of them, then that's easy.......
Change your phone number and your email address.
If at all possible, change your address as well.
If you work, change your next of kin details on all records, and/or whom to contact in an emergency, etc.
Even better would be to put as many miles as possible between you and them.

C.
It may be the case that you want to maintain contact with some of them, but not all of them.
This is the most difficult thing of all, and as you have found from your nan's reaction to you not inviting your cousin to your wedding, it may actually be impossible.
Whatever you do, though, do not be emotionally blackmailed into inviting people to your wedding you really do not want to have there.

Wizard_of_Id · 8 May 2018 at 8:54AM

Charleyalmostking wrote: »

How can I do that?
I don't talk to them much now,
and I rarely see anyone...
What else can I do ?

Don't talk to or contact anyone, let them make the first move and if they do but you don't like what they say then just don't reply.

They will soon get the message.

toothfairybuttkicker · 8 May 2018 at 6:55PM

Honest answer - Screw them.

Your friends are your family that you choose for yourself.

I have little to nothing to do with my moms family. They are big on control and i'm big on being my own person.

I avoid all family gatherings. It took me till i was 30 to understand that i was happier cutting them off then dealing with the grief, anxiety ect.

They even made my wedding day all about them!!!

:eek::eek::eek:

Primrose · 8 May 2018 at 8:41PM

I'm finding it difficult to follow all this to be honest, but if you really want to vent your feelings, why not write everything down in a private diary and get it off your chest there.

I'm not sure it really serves any purpose being put on a public blog. It's undignified and just inflames others in your family, whether your criticisms are justified or not.

Why not just quietly withdraw from contact with them as you already appear to have done . If you look at all the examples of public mud slinging which have happened in the past, nobody really seems to have achieved much benefit from it, apart from tainting their personal reputations, whether their criticisms have been justified or not.

Charleyalmostking · 9 May 2018 at 6:16PM

That's fair,
Primrose

Scorpio33 · 11 May 2018 at 3:24PM

Seems to me that your auntie didn't care what you said in your blog, more that it was public.
She seemed to be more worried about tarnishing the family name than how you were feeling.
She didn't try and understand your point of view or validate your feelings and I bet that hurt you a lot.

You have a right to write down what you want where you want it. That is your choice and writing things down really helps get bad stuff out of your head and gives your thoughts less power. On a blog it also can give you a third persons perspective.

A public blog is fine to write this down. However, if it is not anonymous then it is possible that your family will find out and if that happens, be prepared for everything that comes with that, including them hating you more (even if that's not deserved), and getting horrible messages such as the exchange you have put below.

You can't change other people (unfortunately), you can only change how you react to them.

So you can either: Carry on and ignore any communication from your family or change what you do.

A better way to go about it (in my opinion) is to start an anonymous blog where people can comment and then it gives you something to get your feelings out on as well as getting that feedback from others.

You say you want to be close to your family. If that is the case, be prepared to bite your tongue when talking to them and for it to feel like you are making all the effort. Smile and nod politely, try and understand their perspective (even if you don't agree with it), and over time things will get better. Start slowly and build and you can get there, but it will take a lot of effort. In the mean time, use a blog/diary/friend/other to vent and keep your thoughts and feelings under control.

Personally I think that people that behave that badly towards you don't deserve your attention - family or not.

Finst · 11 May 2018 at 4:14PM

I think Scorpio33 has said an awful lot of sense. Your Aunt appears to care more about protecting your family's reputation than she does about you. My response to her would have started with F and ended with Off.

You could save yourself a lot of hassle if you make your blog private/restricted, or start a new anonymous one that she can't find. That would be the sensible advice to give/take to make your life as easy as possible although if I'm honest, in a situation like the one you've described I would continue with the public blog and say to anyone who can't handle it that I won't be shamed into hiding the truth.

What's more important to you? Keeping the drama to a minimum, or having your voice heard? I'm not sure either of those is more "right" or "wrong" than the other.

Really really bad family issue : I need guidance

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