Single Dad needing advice....

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  • Gavin83
    Gavin83 Posts: 8,751 Forumite
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    Regardless of what it is I guess it's important to stress that normal body development is nothing to be ashamed of and make it clear her friends will catch up with her and probably be asking her for advice once they do. Also make it clear you're always there for her and support her life choices. It might also be an idea to say that you understand if she'd rather discuss female issues with another female and won't be upset if she does, but you're there if she wants to talk to you.

    For the record you sound like a great dad, she's very lucky to have you.
  • mangog
    mangog Posts: 145 Forumite
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    Oh gosh, I really feel for her! As someone who developed enormous boobs aged 11 I totally understand her motivation. If binders had been something I had access to at that age I would have done the same thing, simply because of the unwanted attention they draw from EVERYONE. Just constant comments from people - even friends who thought they were paying me a compliment. It just gave me a huge complex which I'm still struggling with aged 33 (partly because people STILL insist on "complimenting" me on my chest, as if I had something to do with it).

    The thing that would have helped me at 13 would have been a complete overhaul of society and how it views women's bodies. However as that's sadly outside of your control, perhaps the best thing to do is to just keep supporting her and appreciating her for who she is - her personality, her interests, her sense of humour, her opinions - basically all the things that make her who she is *outside* of her physical appearance. Society focuses so much on women's appearance and it's easy to lose confidence in yourself under the weight of everyone else's opinions on the way you look, especially at that age. I think it's absolutely invaluable to have someone on your side who values the things that aren't physical to balance it out. Just keep reminding her that she's awesome!
  • Blondetotty
    Blondetotty Posts: 269 Forumite
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    Gavin83 wrote: »
    For the record you sound like a great dad, she's very lucky to have you.


    Exactly my thoughts.
  • System
    System Posts: 178,094 Community Admin
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    Oakdene wrote: »
    but as you say she may well be exploring her sexuality which is something I have no issue with at all.
    In that case i would say youve done as much as you can do. Youve told her you will love her whatever her sexuality you cant do any more than that.

    I went through the same with my daughter.

    You will both get through it.
  • Oakdene
    Oakdene Posts: 2,560 Forumite
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    Gavin83 wrote: »
    Regardless of what it is I guess it's important to stress that normal body development is nothing to be ashamed of and make it clear her friends will catch up with her and probably be asking her for advice once they do. Also make it clear you're always there for her and support her life choices. It might also be an idea to say that you understand if she'd rather discuss female issues with another female and won't be upset if she does, but you're there if she wants to talk to you.

    For the record you sound like a great dad, she's very lucky to have you.

    Thank you, that's incredibly kind of you. We do have a great relationship & I hope it will always be this way. I'm hoping that she will clear her head in the future & if there is any issues or thoughts she will share them.
    mangog wrote: »
    Oh gosh, I really feel for her! As someone who developed enormous boobs aged 11 I totally understand her motivation. If binders had been something I had access to at that age I would have done the same thing, simply because of the unwanted attention they draw from EVERYONE. Just constant comments from people - even friends who thought they were paying me a compliment. It just gave me a huge complex which I'm still struggling with aged 33 (partly because people STILL insist on "complimenting" me on my chest, as if I had something to do with it).

    The thing that would have helped me at 13 would have been a complete overhaul of society and how it views women's bodies. However as that's sadly outside of your control, perhaps the best thing to do is to just keep supporting her and appreciating her for who she is - her personality, her interests, her sense of humour, her opinions - basically all the things that make her who she is *outside* of her physical appearance. Society focuses so much on women's appearance and it's easy to lose confidence in yourself under the weight of everyone else's opinions on the way you look, especially at that age. I think it's absolutely invaluable to have someone on your side who values the things that aren't physical to balance it out. Just keep reminding her that she's awesome!

    This is something I have been thinking about, especially with so much body imaging sharing on social media. As you say there isn't much I can do apart from reassure her when I can. As someone who has self confidence issues, I do try to share with her what I felt & still feel these days...
    Dwy galon, un dyhead,
    Dwy dafod ond un iaith,
    Dwy raff yn cydio’n ddolen,
    Dau enaid ond un taith.
  • thorsoak
    thorsoak Posts: 7,166 Forumite
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    I hope that what I am suggesting is completely erroneous - but how interested has mum's partner been in your daughter? Is he more "interested" in her as she grows up? Could this be the reason?

    I'm not sure how you could explore this sensitively - but you do have a good relationship with her.
  • Oakdene
    Oakdene Posts: 2,560 Forumite
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    thorsoak wrote: »
    I hope that what I am suggesting is completely erroneous - but how interested has mum's partner been in your daughter? Is he more "interested" in her as she grows up? Could this be the reason?

    I'm not sure how you could explore this sensitively - but you do have a good relationship with her.

    This isn't something that I have thought of, & to be honest I wouldn't be able to tell you. I don't think anything like that could be the issue, given that she is doing this in school when she won't see Mums partner if that makes sense?
    Dwy galon, un dyhead,
    Dwy dafod ond un iaith,
    Dwy raff yn cydio’n ddolen,
    Dau enaid ond un taith.
  • efes_shareholder
    efes_shareholder Posts: 1,611 Forumite
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    I was very similar to your daughter , I started my periods at 9 and needed a bra by 10
    I hated it ! I was self conscience and as you start secondary school and your peers are also starting to develop , you will find that your figure is referred to regulary and that the boys will give you a nickname based on your bust !
    Growing up , it sucked being the first or the last to develop

    I took my daughters to marks and spencer for the measuring service - its important that they have a decent supportive bra

    I'm 45 now and those breasts I grew at 10 seem to be stuck at the size I was when I as 12 !!! How I wish I was buxom now !
  • BrassicWoman
    BrassicWoman Posts: 3,202 Forumite
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    I would be careful that you don't confuse how she identifies gender wise with her sexual orientation. You could want to be more masculine in appearance but still like males, for example.
    2021 GC £1365.71/ £2400
  • Oakdene
    Oakdene Posts: 2,560 Forumite
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    BrassicWoman wrote: »
    I would be careful that you don't confuse how she identifies gender wise with her sexual orientation. You could want to be more masculine in appearance but still like males, for example.

    If I am honest, I haven't thought that but will make sure that I don't find myself thinking that too.
    Dwy galon, un dyhead,
    Dwy dafod ond un iaith,
    Dwy raff yn cydio’n ddolen,
    Dau enaid ond un taith.
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