Life’s a mess and no idea how to change it

Singledad100 · 11 July 2018 at 1:52PM

Hiya new here no idea where to start so sorry if it’s a bit long winded
Back in April of last year me and my wife of 15 years decided to split due to several reasons one being we never saw each other. Another being my constant battle with anxiety & depression.
I moved out of the family home back in April 17 lived with friends and family as well as living in my car for a while since October I have been living in a one bed flat. I’m self employed and due to the break up and my mental health my business has been struggling I’m just about getting enough money together each week for my rent and to put food on the table for my 3 children which I have 50/50 basis with my ex that being 4 days/nights week 1 and 3days/nights on week 2. My children are 15,8 and 6 I have 2 boys that are my eldest and 1 girl, as I said before they stay with me a lot I have to sleep with my younger 2 in my bed and my eldest sleeps on the sofa. Obviously this seemed like fun to begin with but 8 months down the line it’s really starting to effect me and my children we don’t get a good nights sleep any of us and we are all under each other feet all the time as the flat is very small . I just have no idea what to do for the best it seems like everywhere I turn it’s rubbish any money I have is tied up in the house I own with my ex. Would be great to hear from people who have been through the same or similiar and how you changed ur life around or any ideas how to get start to get out of this mess because I can’t see a way out

TBagpuss · 11 July 2018 at 3:02PM

Where are you with a divorce and sorting out the house?

If the children are spending half their time with each of you, then it's likely that selling the house to enable each of you to move on an buy or rent somewhere suitable will be appropriate.

Do you claim any Tax Credits or child benefit? As you have children, it would be reasonable to suggest to your wife that perhaps she claims the child benefit etc for the elder two, and you claim for the youngest, that way, you may be entitled to help with housing or other costs.

What type of business do you have? Have you considered whether you might be better off / less stressed if you were to find a job working for someone else rather than being self employed? Less freedom, potentially, but possibly more certainty, plus the benefit of things like paid holiday time. Perhaps looks at pert time work to fit around your care of the children.

Have you started divorce proceedings yet? It may be that ypou mneed to do so in order to start things moving on sporting out the finances. If your wife is abl to afford the outgoings on the hosuethere is very little incentive for her to move things along, so you may need do so.

I presume that you are not paying anything towards the mortgage or household bills? If you are, let you wife know that you won't be able to continue to do so as you need the funds to rent a 3 bed property suitable for you and the children, until the house is sold.

Singledad100 · 11 July 2018 at 4:02PM

So my ex wife does not want to sell the house and she cannot re-mortgage as a few months after we split she lost her job due to not being able to do the hours the business required because now she was responsible for our children 50% of the time where as before I was flexible with my hours children up for school and picked them up And so forth. I was also told that I can’t force the sell of the property because we have children still of school age therefore would be potentially removing them from a secure home. We do claim tax credits/ child benefit which is split equally between us. I have considered finding employment rather than self employment but I would end up working more for less and and also finding a job that fits in with the children is near impossible well seems to be , neither of us are now in the postition to start divorce proceeding plus I am concerned that what money I do have in the property I will lose my entitlement ? I am not paying towards the mortgage or her bills and she is some how affording it while not working nonidea how .

Kynthia · 11 July 2018 at 7:57PM

It's not necessarily true that the house can't be sold if you have children. It's sometimes the case and sometimes isn't. You need advice.

Is there any way of making your sleeping situation better? Is the bedroom a good size one and would you consider getting rid of the double bed? If yes then maybe a bunk bed and large single (or a 4ft wide double if there's room) in the bedroom and a decent sofa bed in the lounge. Or two singles with roll out trundle beds stored underneath? Maybe visit IKEA for ideas, as well as storage ideas for all your belongings. It's worth the investment as sleep is very important to your health and mood.

Singledad100 · 12 July 2018 at 3:36PM

Thanks for the reply unfortunately the flat is tiny it’s the kitchen is part of the front room and the bed room is very small so much that I can’t have a wardrobe or chest of draws in the room just a bed my washing machine has to go in my shower room because the kitchen is not big enough to accomodate a washer or an over so I use a work surface oven that look like a microwave

fibonarchie · 13 July 2018 at 12:02PM

Can you apply for social housing? Having 3 kids plus one adult in a one bedroom flat would certainly count as overcrowding. You might have to sort out your finances from the other property, though, as I believe you can't get housed if you've theoretically got somewhere else to live.

dawyldthing · 13 July 2018 at 10:07PM

Could you not get bunk beds for when the kids stay over they could go top to tails on the top bunk and you/ the elder child sleep on the sofa settee if you can get one so then you would all sleep more soundly

Life’s a mess and no idea how to change it

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