Tell friend she shouldn't get married?

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  • getmore4less
    getmore4less Posts: 46,882 Forumite
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    snickersbars wrote: »
    Unsuitable in that he shares many (negative) character traits with the last person she broke up with, and she has talked to our friendship group a lot about volatile arguing with this new man precisely due to those traits which she could not cope with with the previous partner. It was just horrible to see her hurt at the end of the last relationship for those very understandable reasons. Obviously we as a friendship group would support her through whatever she decides to do with her life, joyful outcome or not, as we have done over the last 3 years.

    without telling her what to do this friendship group should just point out,

    That's what your old bloke used to do.
  • kazwookie
    kazwookie Posts: 13,842 Forumite
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    Nothing to do with you.
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  • Pollycat
    Pollycat Posts: 34,688 Forumite
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    What does your friendship group think you should do?

    Has your group specifically discussed whether to tell her or not?

    As you say this person is not 'an extremely close friend' of yours, does this person's best friend think the unsuitability of her husband-to-be should be broached?
  • Ilona
    Ilona Posts: 2,449 Forumite
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    I had a volatile relationship once, even my very very bestest friend would not voice her opinions on what I should be doing next. The situation worked itself out without the intervention of anyone else, I chucked him.

    Keep your nose out of other people's personal lives, let them get on with it, none of your business.

    Every one of life's experiences, whether good or bad, is a learning curve, they mould us into the people we are. The only time I might intervene is if a persons life is at stake. Broken hearts will mend.

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  • HurdyGurdy
    HurdyGurdy Posts: 987 Forumite
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    edited 2 February 2019 at 6:38PM
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    I can quite understand your concern, but I don't think you should say anything. She may well withdraw from the friendship group if she thinks you're all against her fiance, and IF things do go badly for her, she will have isolated herself from her support network.

    I think, as has been said above, if it comes up in conversation that she's been arguing with him, then say something like "is that just what you and X were like before you broke up", and see if she wants to talk further about it. Otherwise, I'd bite my tongue and be prepared to be there with a box of tissues if it all goes wrong for her.
  • badmemory
    badmemory Posts: 7,794 Forumite
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    Some of us pick the same type of idiot the second time as our mistake the first time & some of us find a different breed of idiot the second time (me).



    As HurdyGurdy says be there with the tissues & hints that 3rd time may well NOT be lucky. Some of us are just bad at "people" & hopefully learn that before one of them does too much damage - we should excuse ourselves from the fray.
  • Accountant_Kerry
    Accountant_Kerry Posts: 628 Forumite
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    absolutely none of your business, as she's not even a close friend I cant see why you are even interested except just to be a bit of a busy body tbh
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  • snickersbars
    snickersbars Posts: 24 Forumite
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    As it turns out, she ended up bringing it up herself today that she had been having doubts, and was grateful for the chat that ensued. It was reiterated that she would of course be supported by her friends whatever she ended up doing.

    We didn't say anything to her pre-marriage plan because it has been quite a short relationship and the marriage announcement really came out of the blue.
  • Primrose
    Primrose Posts: 10,621 Forumite
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    edited 3 February 2019 at 7:51PM
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    Then if she' s taken you into her confidence about her doubts I would regard that as a signal that she trusts you sufficiently to have a sensible conversation with you about it.

    I,d be tempted to suggest to her that you don,t want to interfere with her life but that it could be a life ruining move for her if she gets it wrong a second time so mayben it would be sensible to postpone the wedding date until they've known each other longer.

    Perhaps some counselling with somebody independent would help her answer the questions which still seem to be worrying her.
  • SuperPikachu
    SuperPikachu Posts: 344 Forumite
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    snickersbars wrote: »
    As it turns out, she ended up bringing it up herself today that she had been having doubts, and was grateful for the chat that ensued. It was reiterated that she would of course be supported by her friends whatever she ended up doing.

    We didn't say anything to her pre-marriage plan because it has been quite a short relationship and the marriage announcement really came out of the blue.

    Convenient
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