Tell friend she shouldn't get married?

snickersbars

Hi all,

I have a friend who is planning on getting married this summer to someone who seems unsuitable. She was previously married to a fairly similar man until 3 years ago, when she left him for a) neglecting her emotional needs and b) lack of responsibility with money and employment. She is not an extremely close friend, but I would say we know each other quite well. I don't want her to get hurt in the future by just going through this same cycle again, but equally, it is her business as to how she conducts her personal life. Would you broach this with her, and if so, how?

Comms69

No, obviously not.


Sorry but it does seem you get involved in others lives quite often https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/5956544/child-screaming-normal

Pollycat

"seems unsuitable"?
In what way does he seem unsuitable?

I think you have it right when you say "it is her business as to how she conducts her personal life".

snickersbars

Unsuitable in that he shares many (negative) character traits with the last person she broke up with, and she has talked to our friendship group a lot about volatile arguing with this new man precisely due to those traits which she could not cope with with the previous partner. It was just horrible to see her hurt at the end of the last relationship for those very understandable reasons. Obviously we as a friendship group would support her through whatever she decides to do with her life, joyful outcome or not, as we have done over the last 3 years.

pickledonionspaceraider

snickersbars wrote: »

Unsuitable in that he shares many (negative) character traits with the last person she broke up with, and she has talked to our friendship group a lot about volatile arguing with this new man precisely due to those traits which she could not cope with with the previous partner. It was just horrible to see her hurt at the end of the last relationship for those very understandable reasons. Obviously we as a friendship group would support her through whatever she decides to do with her life, joyful outcome or not, as we have done over the last 3 years.

I do not think you should voice your opinions out of the blue


However next time she talks about a volatile argument, I would then perhaps say something, very very gently...but unless he becomes abusive, I would certainly leave it at that

Pollycat

snickersbars wrote: »

Unsuitable in that he shares many (negative) character traits with the last person she broke up with, and she has talked to our friendship group a lot about volatile arguing with this new man precisely due to those traits which she could not cope with with the previous partner. It was just horrible to see her hurt at the end of the last relationship for those very understandable reasons. Obviously we as a friendship group would support her through whatever she decides to do with her life, joyful outcome or not, as we have done over the last 3 years.

So why have you all - as a friendship group - not said anything before now when she's planning to get married?

gomer

Just let them get married, it's nobody else's business and then when it all goes wrong you can all be friends who are there when you are needed - like real friends are. What you think about their compatibility is neither here or there.

POPPYOSCAR

Love is Blind.

Nothing you say will change that.

Primrose

Depends how close you perceive your friendship to be. Obviously her business but a true friend would perhaps have the courage to tactfully raise a red alert. Sometimes these situations are not because people are being tactful and not interfering. It's actually because they don't have the guts to hold a difficult conversation.

Could you perhaps say "I know it's not my business but I'm curious why you're going to marry a man with whom you're continually arguing and who seems to have the same personality characteristics as the person who hurt you so badly before and wonder whats really different this time round that makes you confident it will work?"

This either gives her the chance to expand or to tell you to shut up, but it at at least might give her pause for thought. She may well be going ahead with her plans with her fingers firmly crossed behind her back and somebody questioning her before it's too late might at least cause her to take the blinkers off and ask herself some hard questions.

McKneff

Just mind your own business, simple or you will have 1 friend less than you did before

thorsoak

None of your business - wind your neck in.