Cutting ties with a sibling
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Do not muddy the waters with your mum as this will not resolve matters unless your are certain of what is being said to the sibling. My sibling seizes any statement from our mum to demonstrate expectation. To my eyes this is not a matter of keeping mum happy, more setting the sibling's expectation of future contact and assistance
I think this is a very valid point, OP.0 -
Perhaps I don't.
But equally, perhaps you don't understand the emotional need to preserve your sanity by cutting a sibling out of your life.
And the OP did say in her first post:
I don't suspect, I know.
I have experienced it first-hand with me and my Mum.
If the OP only gets views from those who have done as the title states then she will only get one view, and again, there are ways of doing it which are less drastic than the title implies.
The way the OP is worded shows that she is wary of taking that step both from the pov of her mum and from her own pov. Things change, people change, they mellow as they age. The OP can take the steps she needs to take without involving her mum now or in the future.
You use emotive language such as 'preserve sanity' which may be true in your case, but won't be true in all cases.
What a lot of the issues boil down to between siblings are, variously: dislike, being very different personalities, jealousy, different lifestyle choices, different values, perceived different socioeconomic levels etc, etc. All of those may be valid personal reasons to take a step back and limit contact but can be done without the 'flounce or drama. If there is drug taking, criminality or abuse then, of course, that is different and a stand should be made.0 -
TBH, in that situation I might sit down with sibling and say "I am not going to upset mum by saying this in front of her, but you can forget any notion of me doing X, Y or Z for you, no matter how much she shouts at me about you."
And then make bland reassurances to Mum. "You know you can count on me."
I might also try to avoid being there at the same time as sibling ...
it's not the same, but my FIL's dementia means he rarely remembers that my parents have died, and regularly asks after them. I say they are both OK, they don't get out so much these days, but they have lovely views. This sometimes triggers something so that he remembers they have died, and is sorry for upsetting me, which he hasn't done. If I outright say "They both died some years ago" it is more upsetting for him.Signature removed for peace of mind0 -
theoretica wrote: »In my family we have contact between siblings limited to Christmas cards and occasional emails (on family deaths, some births). Seems to work.
A good solution. I think that this will be what probably happens unless his problems worsen0 -
little_pigeon wrote: »A good solution. I think that this will be what probably happens unless his problems worsen
And if they do worsen what then?
I really sympathise with you it sounds as if you are in a situation where you are trying to keep everyone happy possibly to your own detriment. You have to set the level of contact/interaction that suits you best.0 -
You don't say what age your mum is although you do mention she,s developing health problems. Now might be a good time, if she hasn,t already addressed these issues, for her to start thinking about making a will and appointing powers of attorney so that she has somebody RELIABLE AND TRUSTWORTHY to look after her financial affairs should she be unable to do so herself.
Thanks for highlighting this as a possible issue. My mum and I had a lengthy conversation about this some time ago and although she is blinded to a lot of his faults she has had enough experience to know he wouldn't be the right person to handle her affairs. All that has been sorted and although he did raise a bit of a fuss at the time he hasn't brought it up since.
It's more his girlfriend who has raised objections regarding my mum's decisions. Not directly with us but he has mentioned it a few times and yes she is definitely the type of person who would have an opinion on this.
I have had words with him about it and that he knows the reasons why it has been set up the way it has. More importantly that it's absolutely none of her business! I can see her goading him on if anything does happen to my mum and he will have conveniently forgotten our conversations about it0 -
Out,_Vile_Jelly wrote: »It's a generalisation I know, but mothers can be unnecessarily over-protective of sons, throughout adult life. The expectations on daughters are often different (mainly along the "it's your duty to act as carer" line).
This is definitely the case here. He is very much a mummy's boy! She has said you need to look after your sister but only after he has been disrespectful to me in front of her. I doubt she has had any, let alone numerous conversations about it in private with him.0 -
happyandcontented wrote: »And if they do worsen what then?
I really sympathise with you it sounds as if you are in a situation where you are trying to keep everyone happy possibly to your own detriment. You have to set the level of contact/interaction that suits you best.
Thanks and at the moment things can tick along as they are. My mum's health is deteriotating but she is still in good to moderate health. I am interested to know how people coped with cutting ties with a family member because that might have to be an option if things come to a head.
I appreciate the debate you and Pollycat have been having about this and it gives me a lot to think about
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little_pigeon wrote: »Thanks and at the moment things can tick along as they are. My mum's health is deteriotating but she is still in good to moderate health. I am interested to know how people coped with cutting ties with a family member because that might have to be an option if things come to a head.
I appreciate the debate you and Pollycat have been having about this and it gives me a lot to think about
To be honest it was a relief, hard at times dealing with the guilt and wanting to know they are ok but in all like a burden had been lifted.
Other people's issues are not your issues and you don't have to take their crap even if they are siblings.0 -
Other people's issues are not your issues and you don't have to take their crap even if they are siblings.
OP - this is actually the bottom line in all this.
If the person pressuring you was the next door neighbour and her indulged son, would you feel that you had to stand by him when she popped her clogs? If your answer is 'no, of course not...' then perhaps you would be wise to analyse that response.
In my opinion, your mother is being very unfair to you to expect/demand that you take over her role. It is NOT your duty to continue to mother him so that he never faces up to his own failings and choices.
I'd go so far as to say that she is not being very loving or protective of her child (you) to be putting this burden on your shoulders. Exactly why should you be caught in the inevitable cross-fire when this eventually implodes, as it will unless you predecease your brother or cut the ties beforehand?
I'll repeat what I said in an earlier post - all my family felt when we severed a toxic relationship with a relative was relief,
and peace knowing that we could finally answer a knock at the door without dread.
I'd love to be a fly on the wall on the day that the girlfriend finally realises what's really been going on!
Good luck.0
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