Girlfriend won't sell her house

I think you need to break this down into logical chunks.
there is a lot going on and it may be that the goal needs to be tackled a step at a time rather than trying the big hit.

Start with the house that is part owned by the GF.

Why can't you as a family use the house that is sitting empty?
(location/size...?)

What's the current deal on the house that is empty?
(Value, mortgage, rate, term payment, other details)

Could either owner take over on affordability?
(GF not, what about the ex)
Would they want to?

Would you(as you or as a family) want to buy it?

There are related questions on the history like how long did each party live there, how do they own the house TIC or joint, what has each paid etc.
The key is would you even want the place as that decide the initial approach taken.

..............................
Then there is your finances(without the GF)

How big a deposit do you have.
What do you earn
What could you afford to buy
This could be a sticking point with 3/4 dependants.

..............................

The joint finances can't be looked at properly until the house is sorted but with 2 days a week unless a big earner it won't make a massive difference.

..............................

Then there are the goals and any plan to achieve them
for your family it will also depend on the kids ages if there are key points like schools to consider.

Yours seems to be buy a house now but that is not realistic yet.
You need to accept that and look for the steps to get you there.
Say a 3-5 year plan, that can tackle the steps needed to make it happen.

What are the GF goals, where does she want to be in 3-5 years, if it is not in a house that you buy together then that help develop your plan.
If she does want that, then you can talk about the steps needed to get there.

The ex what are their goals, relating to the house are the ones you are interested in do they fit with your goals, what do you need to do to get those plans in line with yours.
(this could be complicated if the ex is in a new relationship)

...........................

Stepping back the key problem here is the house and currently it appears no one but you are bothered by it

The GF costs her nothing so why bother if it means dealing with an ex of 10 years ago.

The ex he pays the bills but as he has moved away seems to not care.

Empty house can soon become a liability.
How long has it been empty?

Someone(the owners) need to put some effort in to move this forward.

I think the key here is who wants the place and why.
Does the GF talk to the Ex about the place?

Chrislaw1984 wrote: »

But I can't even get her to talk to the bank or mortgage company let alone her ex about getting their house sorted in some capacity.

What do you think is the reason for that? Could it be that it's not fear of commitment, but rather sticking her head in the sand because she knows it'll be a bit of a mess to untangle? Just bringing this up because I know a lot of people have that approach to dealing with problems (I definitely once put off some immigration paperwork for about a year and a half just because the longer you leave it, the more it feels like an insurmountable task).

Clearly not providing a solution here, just trying to see where this situation stems from.

Partner doesn't want to be part of the new house, nothing you can do about it, save more, improve your career and buy a house yourself and reap the benefits yourself.

Ensure you get a pre nup/legal advice if you do marry so she does not benefit from your hard work no thanks to her.

Chrislaw1984 wrote: »

I believe the same. And I try and support but the more I push the more she thinks I'm being a !!!! and pushy. Which I don't get I've waited and been patient for long enough

In which case OP, sounds to me as if you've been a sperm donor and no more. She's quite content, got the kids she wanted, got someone paying for accommodation for her, does a few hours a week for niceties, not interested in anything more permanent with you (and if she did, she's probably get the house anyway if / when you split up)



You seem to be in a Catch 22 situation with little way out. You've stitched yourself up good and proper having 3 kids and the long term financial commitment that involves. You might want to look at saving up, buying a little flat (because you wont be able to afford anything larger) and moving out into that and moving her and kids into a cheaper place.