Friend never listens, but always shares her problems...
Comments
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TBH, there are people who can be classed as 'users'.dominqueobs wrote: »Thanks everyone. Busy jobs and other life stuff means it's mostly online. She comes to me for a lot and I didn't mind at first, but when they only want me to either respond with what's troubling them (can be hours of exchanges) or neutral topics I feel I can't be open like with other friends where it's give and take. I think it's always been like this but as it's gone on I've noticed it more. I've tried keeping my expectations low and keeping personal stuff off topic but then she'll come to me with more of her own worries. With jobs I thought as she'd been through it recently she'd be able to relate, but she just doesn't want to know and seems totally uninterested in my life but will go on about her (unrelated) husband's jobs problems whilst ignoring what I've said. I've tried doing the steering back but she just stops replying or makes her excuses. I don't want to have to say something, her ignore it then me have to explicitly ask again what she thinks - I'd rather just stop bothering.
The friend who gives friends roles made me chuckle, had a couple of those in my life. I do seem to attract people who want advice/an ear all the time, whether it's boyfriends/work/family and I'm just trying to read the signs because it leaves me drained. You get seen as the agony aunt instead of a friend
I think I just have to cut ties a bit from now on.
People who never contact you but instead wait for you to initiate contact.
People who take advantage of you - maybe always expect you to pay for coffee or travel to see them or expect lifts without offering anything back.
People who want you there for the bad times but don't share their good times with you. I had a friend in this category. I spent hours with her during various relationship traumas but when she had good news I found out via someone else. I simply cut her out of my life, stopped texting, stopped visiting. When it all went tits-up, she rang me. I wasn't available.
I guess you have to decide for yourself whether it's worth keeping in touch.0 -
Listening or advising is a skill not everyone has. Not necessarily that they're selfish - my best mate is a bit like this, the conversation does end up being all about her and her problems all night (usually the same probs I've been hearing about for 20 years and she never does anything to change them so I've stopped advising). I think some people are just a bit wrapped up in themselves. Try not to take it personally.2023 wins: *must start comping again!*0
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TBH, there are people who can be classed as 'users'.
People who never contact you but instead wait for you to initiate contact.
People who take advantage of you - maybe always expect you to pay for coffee or travel to see them or expect lifts without offering anything back.
People who want you there for the bad times but don't share their good times with you. I had a friend in this category. I spent hours with her during various relationship traumas but when she had good news I found out via someone else. I simply cut her out of my life, stopped texting, stopped visiting. When it all went tits-up, she rang me. I wasn't available.
I guess you have to decide for yourself whether it's worth keeping in touch.
Yes, to the last line.
As I've got older I've cut down on the number of people who I'm actively friendly with. Just go with those who, overall, bring something to the party and who are easy to be around.
I'm one of those who are seen as being a good listening ear, down to earth (not sure about this one - ask my partner) and with a lot of common sense. While cutting down on contact I'd never be unavailable to someone who needed help or advice - however, draining they might be.
I had a friend who really was hard work. Very self centered and serious. About three months ago she rang me on a Sunday. I was happily plonked in front of the football half way through a bottle of wine. I groaned when I saw who it was on the phone. It turned out that she was ringing me to say that she was dying and wanted to thank me for the help and support I'd given her over the years.
You never totally know what is going on in people's lives.0 -
Yes, to the last line.
As I've got older I've cut down on the number of people who I'm actively friendly with. Just go with those who, overall, bring something to the party and who are easy to be around.
I'm one of those who are seen as being a good listening ear, down to earth (not sure about this one - ask my partner) and with a lot of common sense. While cutting down on contact I'd never be unavailable to someone who needed help or advice - however, draining they might be.
I had a friend who really was hard work. Very self centered and serious. About three months ago she rang me on a Sunday. I was happily plonked in front of the football half way through a bottle of wine. I groaned when I saw who it was on the phone. It turned out that she was ringing me to say that she was dying and wanted to thank me for the help and support I'd given her over the years.
You never totally know what is going on in people's lives.
Regardless - I'm not willing to be only a bad-weather friend.
Friendship is a 2 way street.
I'm not willing to invest my time in a relationship where the traffic is purely one way.0 -
Yes, to the last line.
As I've got older I've cut down on the number of people who I'm actively friendly with. Just go with those who, overall, bring something to the party and who are easy to be around.
I'm one of those who are seen as being a good listening ear, down to earth (not sure about this one - ask my partner) and with a lot of common sense. While cutting down on contact I'd never be unavailable to someone who needed help or advice - however, draining they might be.
I had a friend who really was hard work. Very self centered and serious. About three months ago she rang me on a Sunday. I was happily plonked in front of the football half way through a bottle of wine. I groaned when I saw who it was on the phone. It turned out that she was ringing me to say that she was dying and wanted to thank me for the help and support I'd given her over the years.
You never totally know what is going on in people's lives.Regardless - I'm not willing to be only a bad-weather friend.
Friendship is a 2 way street.
I'm not willing to invest my time in a relationship where the traffic is purely one way.
Sure.
We are all different and that's what works for you.
I just wouldn't turn away from someone who needed help or support, bad weather friend or not. Although, I do take your point as they can be very draining.0 -
To be clear here:Sure.
We are all different and that's what works for you.
I just wouldn't turn away from someone who needed help or support, bad weather friend or not. Although, I do take your point as they can be very draining.
this was not a friend like the OP's who doesn't seem to engage in her problems.
This was a friend that I helped a lot in a lot of ways.
Helped her in her business.
Dropped everything when she rang to say her partner had been violent.
Supported her through the split and starting again.
When she met someone else - a younger bloke - she dropped me altogether like a hot potato for her new set of (younger) friends.
Never contacted me, didn't even answer my calls.
It wasn't a case of 'cutting down on contact'.
She cut all contact without any explanation as she thought - mistakenly - that she had her life on an even keel and didn't need me.
When he dumped her, she wanted me to go round as she needed my shoulder to cry on.
As far as I was concerned, her new friends could put the pieces back together again. But they'd melted away with her new ex-bloke.
This wasn't just a case of someone being hard work, self-centred and serious.
This was someone who made a conscious choice to exclude me from her life.
And that was fine by me.
I didn't want her back in my life, regardless of what her problems were.
I think that is somewhat different to the scenario you posted about.0 -
To be clear here:
this was not a friend like the OP's who doesn't seem to engage in her problems.
This was a friend that I helped a lot in a lot of ways.
Helped her in her business.
Dropped everything when she rang to say her partner had been violent.
Supported her through the split and starting again.
When she met someone else - a younger bloke - she dropped me altogether like a hot potato for her new set of (younger) friends.
Never contacted me, didn't even answer my calls.
It wasn't a case of 'cutting down on contact'.
She cut all contact without any explanation as she thought - mistakenly - that she had her life on an even keel and didn't need me.
When he dumped her, she wanted me to go round as she needed my shoulder to cry on.
As far as I was concerned, her new friends could put the pieces back together again. But they'd melted away with her new ex-bloke.
This wasn't just a case of someone being hard work, self-centred and serious.
This was someone who made a conscious choice to exclude me from her life.
And that was fine by me.
I didn't want her back in my life, regardless of what her problems were.
I think that is somewhat different to the scenario you posted about.
It is. I was responding to your use of the term "bad weather friend". And, to be fair, in #12 you said
which is different than here where, it appears, that it was she who excluded youI had a friend in this category. I spent hours with her during various relationship traumas but when she had good news I found out via someone else. I simply cut her out of my life, stopped texting, stopped visiting. When it all went tits-up, she rang me. I wasn't available.
I guess you have to decide for yourself whether it's worth keeping in touch.
To be clear myself, I, personally, still wouldn't ignore her or make myself unavailable.
I understand all that you say - I wouldn't want her back in my life but I wouldn't have an issue about being that shoulder to cry on in time of need.
Just different views which is all good. You and I have had discussions in the past and we do seem to see things quite a lot differently.
We'd probably be fine in real life!
:beer: :beer:
:p 0 -
My ex-wife was like that; she even said "I'M TALKING!" once when I tried to get a word in.
I think I'm partially deaf in my left ear from mentally switching it off whilst being in the car with her.0 -
You're right.It is. I was responding to your use of the term "bad weather friend". And, to be fair, in #12 you said
which is different than here where, it appears, that it is she who has excluded you
To be clear myself, I, personally, still wouldn't ignore her or make myself unavailable to her.
I understand all that you say - I wouldn't want her back in my life but I wouldn't have an issue about being that shoulder to cry on in time of need.
It was she who excluded me.
I wrote the earlier post on the bus.
And we've also agreed on some things.
Just different views which is all good. You and I have had discussions in the past and we do seem to see things quite a lot differently.
We'd probably be fine in real life!
:beer: :beer::p
So no reason to think we'd be other than fine in real life. :huh:0
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