Friend never listens, but always shares her problems...

KiKi

Doesn't mean she's an awful friend, she might just be misunderstanding. You say that she posts paragraphs about her problems - and presumably you then respond.

You, on the other hand, post 'one sentence' and she doesn't pick up that it's an issue. You're assuming it's because she doesn't care, but perhaps she doesn't realise you want to talk because you've literally just said one sentence and her interpretation of that it's that's it's just a short thing, not something you want to talk about because it's not paragraphs of wanting to talk.

Have you actually tried saying "could I please talk to you about something, I really need your advice"? Have you tried calling her?

Equally, I know I can sometimes be self-centred in conversations. It's not because I don't care, but I live alone, often work alone, and spend a lot of time alone, so when someone says "how are you" I can often offload and forget to ask back. It's not that I don't care, but I spend so much time at work absorbing other people's issues, that being able to share is a relief. I'm aware of it, though, so I try and temper it.

All I'm saying is: don't jump to conclusions, and don't let it wind you up without being prepared to explore that with her first. Otherwise you're just going to get more and more annoyed, and any responses on here saying "OMG, she's so selfish" will just wind you up more. Talk to her.

KiKi

toothfairybuttkicker

OK - I am that 'friend' ( not really but i'm the type)

I hate talking by text/ online chat. It really makes me anxious when people continue to send message after message when in reality what needed to be said has been said (it feels more like they are fishing for info rather then being supportive) I like to vent (end of) but one of my closest friends is always giving advice and [STRIKE]interferring[/STRIKE] helping to sort out my problems. She sees me as OP sees her friend as disinterested in her problems.

I'm not disinterested just dont know what i can say. I cant give relationship advice as i've been with the same bloke since i was 17 (now 40). I cant really give money advice (i wouldnt be on here if i had the answers). Cant give job advice (worked in same job since 16). I exhausted my supplies of advice years ago. But I still love her to death and she does me. I feel our face to face time is better when we havent been having text conversations she thinks the other way. We agree to disagree. Would i be there for her if her world fell apart....Yes in a heartbeat.

hazyjo

toothfairybuttkicker wrote: »

OK - I am that 'friend' ( not really but i'm the type)

I hate talking by text/ online chat. It really makes me anxious when people continue to send message after message when in reality what needed to be said has been said (it feels more like they are fishing for info rather then being supportive) I like to vent (end of) but one of my closest friends is always giving advice and [STRIKE]interferring[/STRIKE] helping to sort out my problems. She sees me as OP sees her friend as disinterested in her problems.

Oh God, that's so true. My friend I mentioned earlier sent 10 - YES TEN! - whatsapp messages through the other night. One straight after the other. 29 lines of text. Nothing I'd not heard before (all about her BF). I replied with 8 and only 3 of them were really in reply to what she'd said. It was nearly midnight, I was heading up to bed and tbh really didn't want to discuss it all again.


I also can't stand 'phone texting chat'. I am more than happy to write an email, but I can't get into them at work any more so have to reply on my phone which I consider hell. I can do it at night, but prefer to use that time for other things and don't really want to be sending long emails. Would much rather just fix a date, keep it very short, and have long chats when we do all get to meet up. There's usually six of us in the email chats (one group of friends) and the one I mentioned above always sends long emails and then gets peed off when nobody replies or if they send just a couple of lines back. But she doesn't seem to get that nobody wants to type out pages on their phones (most only use phones for emails now), or to then end up with loads of chatty emails as it all just gets lost.


Times have changed I suppose. I'd rather her just pick up the phone (although not that late) than send loads of messages.

dominqueobs

KiKi wrote: »

Doesn't mean she's an awful friend, she might just be misunderstanding. You say that she posts paragraphs about her problems - and presumably you then respond.

You, on the other hand, post 'one sentence' and she doesn't pick up that it's an issue. You're assuming it's because she doesn't care, but perhaps she doesn't realise you want to talk because you've literally just said one sentence and her interpretation of that it's that's it's just a short thing, not something you want to talk about because it's not paragraphs of wanting to talk.

Have you actually tried saying "could I please talk to you about something, I really need your advice"? Have you tried calling her?

Equally, I know I can sometimes be self-centred in conversations. It's not because I don't care, but I live alone, often work alone, and spend a lot of time alone, so when someone says "how are you" I can often offload and forget to ask back. It's not that I don't care, but I spend so much time at work absorbing other people's issues, that being able to share is a relief. I'm aware of it, though, so I try and temper it.

All I'm saying is: don't jump to conclusions, and don't let it wind you up without being prepared to explore that with her first. Otherwise you're just going to get more and more annoyed, and any responses on here saying "OMG, she's so selfish" will just wind you up more. Talk to her.

KiKi

No, I message about something and she is the one who replies with one sentence (if at all). She messages me about strangers asking her for advice because of her job but seems to avoid any conversations about my life like the plague :rotfl: I have tried wording things differently but it just annoys me how self-absorbed she comes across and I don't think I'm jumping to conclusions here, I've noticed it over many months but never had her down as that sort so just put up with it. I have tried saying "oh, could I talk to you about such and such" (not necessarily deep conversations) but she is still so blunt compared to when she wants to offload or I'll share some news and she puts thumbs up emoji. Perhaps 'advice' is the wrong term to use, sometimes you just want someone to listen and when you're talking and they take ages to respond with some half-assed response you know they're not.

I'm just not going to bother now, if she wants to get in touch she can but if it's to talk about a new issue she has I'm not going to be listening anymore when everything I say is skirted over. Thanks for sharing your stories.

Novice_investor101

I had a friend like this - up until February this year, when i decided to cut her out of my life because it really was a one way street. I'd spent the best part of 18 months on messenger (she doesn't live where i do) listening to all her problems over and over again, offering advice and she always said i was a rock to her. Sometimes these exchanges went on for hours and she took no notice of whether i might be busy or not. She is very self centred and generally treats everyone like rubbish and sees it as acceptable. It is well known by all her friends that if you organise to meet her for anything there's a 99% chance she won't turn up and 100% that if she does, she'll be hours late. She never thinks how this affects other people.

I too tried to discuss my problems and would get brushed aside with one word or one sentence answers. The final straw came when i challenged her on it, after a particular problem i had that i needed to talk to someone about, and she sent the nastiest reply back stating that she was busy and that it wasn't her problem and she wasn't interested in getting involved - it was my own fault for being stupid.
I never bothered to contact her again. After she messaged me with one of her usual problems, i gave a one sentence answer and when she asked if anything was wrong and had she done anything to upset me (!) i just told her i was busy. I never explained why i cut her off - mainly cos i don't care, she can figure it out herself.

It was clear to me that that was exactly how she felt - she wasn't interested in my life, only what she could get from me. She never offered anything to the friendship and i felt such a relief at not being hassled for hours on end and having entire days wasted when she never turned up.
I'd been forgiving for too long and i'd had enough.
I'm much happier no longer having any contact - i don't miss her as there's nothing to miss. She was a drainer and a taker.

Pollycat

Novice_investor101 wrote: »

I had a friend like this - up until February this year, when i decided to cut her out of my life because it really was a one way street. I'd spent the best part of 18 months on messenger (she doesn't live where i do) listening to all her problems over and over again, offering advice and she always said i was a rock to her. Sometimes these exchanges went on for hours and she took no notice of whether i might be busy or not. She is very self centred and generally treats everyone like rubbish and sees it as acceptable. It is well known by all her friends that if you organise to meet her for anything there's a 99% chance she won't turn up and 100% that if she does, she'll be hours late. She never thinks how this affects other people.

I too tried to discuss my problems and would get brushed aside with one word or one sentence answers. The final straw came when i challenged her on it, after a particular problem i had that i needed to talk to someone about, and she sent the nastiest reply back stating that she was busy and that it wasn't her problem and she wasn't interested in getting involved - it was my own fault for being stupid.
I never bothered to contact her again. After she messaged me with one of her usual problems, i gave a one sentence answer and when she asked if anything was wrong and had she done anything to upset me (!) i just told her i was busy. I never explained why i cut her off - mainly cos i don't care, she can figure it out herself.

It was clear to me that that was exactly how she felt - she wasn't interested in my life, only what she could get from me. She never offered anything to the friendship and i felt such a relief at not being hassled for hours on end and having entire days wasted when she never turned up.
I'd been forgiving for too long and i'd had enough.
I'm much happier no longer having any contact - i don't miss her as there's nothing to miss. She was a drainer and a taker.

I think sometimes you just have to cut users out of your life for your own peace of mind.

JayJay100

Sometimes we expect others to do the same for us, as we would do for them, and it just doesn't happen for a variety of reasons. People can lack empathy, or just be so focused on their own problems that there isn't any space for anything else. Sometimes they feel that they have nothing of value to add, or are worried to give advice, in case it's the wrong thing to say: it doesn't always mean that they don't care or value the friendship.

I really noticed a change with some of my friends, when my own life has been/is going through an extended rough patch and I needed a bit of space from some and a bit of payback from others. People that I'd listened to for hours and I'd been there for no matter what, just wouldn't or couldn't reciprocate. Some got quite irate that I couldn't be there for them, in the way that I'd always been. It's just the way people can be.

I think you have to step back and work out whether your friend is worth an unequal relationship in terms of support. Some of mine are useless at support, but give me the best laughs at other times. Yes, I felt very fed up when I needed them and they weren't there, but the laughs mean enough to me to keep the friendship going.