Unconditional Love

AubreyMac · 11 January 2018 at 3:57PM

I was discussing this with a friend yesterday. My friend believes you can only have unconditional love for your kids and parents and not anyone else. I believe all love has conditions – if someone treats you bad enough for long enough, then your love for them can eventually die, even if that person is your child or parent.

I love some relatives whole heartedly, but they’ve never treated me badly long term so I’ve yet to prove my own theory that my love could die for them.

My friend is divorced and she was hurt very badly so I think it’s made her resistant to love again in a relationship. Therefore she channels her love to her kids as it’s a safer bet. Me – I’ve experience not attaching to and disassociating from relatives that I ‘should’ love such as a parent or sibling (without going into detail). Therefore I can, if I choose to, love someone whole heartedly even a partner.

So, what are your views on ‘unconditional’ love?

AndyBSG · 11 January 2018 at 4:47PM

It doesn't exist.

My mother raised me up until the age of 8 when I was taken into foster care due to physical abuse at the hands of my step father(fractured skull, broken legs... Not just a few bumps and bruises).

I did still love and miss my mum but my younger half sisters and brother were never taken into care or deemed at risk as they were my step fathers own children and had never laid a hand on them(huge social services failing as he simply started abusing them in my place but that's another matter).

My mother and step father were both druggies and as a result my oldest sister picked up their habits.

My sister died two days before her 18th birthday from a heroin overdose after spending 2 days in a coma.

I was deemed next of kin at the time as my step father had disappeared and my mother was sectioned under the mental health act.

So, a week after my 21st birthday I had to be the one to give consent to turn her life support machine off.

Any feelings of sympathy or love for my mother died that day and were replaced with abject hatred.

That hatred faded to complete ambivalence to the extent that when my mother committed suicide a couple of years later while homeless and high on heroin I didn't feel a single pang of remorse or even glee.

Ever since then I have been well aware that my love is not unconditional.

I love my children but can say that I will never love them unconditionally because their actions could see that love rescinded... Hopefully though the way I bring them up will never see them stoop to the levels it would take for that to happen.

seashore22 · 11 January 2018 at 4:54PM

I think you can love your children unconditionally, but not like them very much. Loving your children unconditionally doesn't mean that you forgive and accept everything they do.

I loved my children equally and consistently when they were children. Sometimes I didn't like one, sometimes I didn't like the other. I expect if one did something terrible now, I would feel the same, love them, but not like them very much.

DUTR · 11 January 2018 at 5:09PM

AubreyMac wrote: »

I was discussing this with a friend yesterday. My friend believes you can only have unconditional love for your kids and parents and not anyone else. I believe all love has conditions – if someone treats you bad enough for long enough, then your love for them can eventually die, even if that person is your child or parent.

I love some relatives whole heartedly, but they’ve never treated me badly long term so I’ve yet to prove my own theory that my love could die for them.

My friend is divorced and she was hurt very badly so I think it’s made her resistant to love again in a relationship. Therefore she channels her love to her kids as it’s a safer bet. Me – I’ve experience not attaching to and disassociating from relatives that I ‘should’ love such as a parent or sibling (without going into detail). Therefore I can, if I choose to, love someone whole heartedly even a partner.

So, what are your views on ‘unconditional’ love?

My views are it's not a status thing whether conditional or unconditional. And if one has it, gves it or doesn't doesn't make them a better person than the next.

ska_lover · 11 January 2018 at 6:27PM

I agree with that if anyone treats you bad enough, for long enough, you can stop loving them. It is sad, but we are all human

Cheeky_Monkey · 11 January 2018 at 6:49PM

I think that you only get unconditional love from a dog :j

Robisere · 11 January 2018 at 6:52PM

I am almost 73, but remember every blow struck by my mother except the last, which put me in a coma for 3 days. My dad, whom I did love unconditionally, took me to an aunt to live for almost 3 years. The first (paternal) aunt was a 22 carat !!!!!, whose son my cousin tormented me until I hit him, whereupon his mother beat me. My mother's half brother was ashamed of his sister and took me to his other half-sister, a widow who cared for me for 2 years. I grew to love the family: a male cousin almost my age and his 4 sisters.

When I returned "home" my mother had been receiving treatment for mental illness, was on medication and tried to be my mum again, but I did not, could not love her at all. At 13 I left home to work on a funfair, was brought back by police. At 16 I went to sea for 2 years, at 19 I joined the Army. When I had leave, I spent a few days at "home" and the rest with my aunt's family. I still loved my dad, but I could never again feel anything for my mother. I didn't hate her as such, there was simply no feeling there that there should have been between a son and his mother. I dearly loved my aunt, unconditionally. She took me into her family when she could ill afford to keep another child. She worked 3 jobs to do that, but we never went hungry and I was treated as one of her family.

I cared for my parents when they grew old and ill: my dad went first and I grieved for him. 7 months later, when mum died, I stood at the graveside dry eyed while my much older brother cried. I felt nothing.

For along time I drank and partied hard, then met the lady who is my wife. She saved my life and I love her so very much. Unconditionally? Definitely.

Eric_the_half_a_bee · 11 January 2018 at 6:55PM

I think that in general we are not very good at predicting how we would feel under circumstances that are dramatically different from those we have previously experienced.

System · 11 January 2018 at 9:05PM

I love my kids unconditionally. They upset me at times but theres nothing that they could do or say that would make me love them any less.

Everybody else, well treat me bad enough and yes my love would die.

Gavin83 · 11 January 2018 at 9:39PM

I wonder if a parent would still love their child if they killed one of their siblings and therefore another of your children. I wonder if people would still love their child if they were convicted of abusing and killing children.

There are some horrible things people can do, I wonder if whether pushed to the very extreme that love would truly remain unconditional.

System · 11 January 2018 at 10:44PM

Gavin83 wrote: »

I wonder if a parent would still love their child if they killed one of their siblings and therefore another of your children. I wonder if people would still love their child if they were convicted of abusing and killing children.

There are some horrible things people can do, I wonder if whether pushed to the very extreme that love would truly remain unconditional.

Well i'm not in that position but i know this.

Could i forget the day i held them in my arms for the first time?

Could i forget the day they took their first steps in real life?

Could i forget the first day they went to nursery/school?

All these things amongst others i cherish in my heart. It would be impossible to erase them from my memory.

Could i hate what they have done enough to banish them from my life completely? Yes i could, but you couldnt stop me loving them.

Unconditional Love

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