Would you tell them if you were me?

My_aim_is_true

My wife was brave enough to tell me about big problems (you know the sort) a few months ago. She didn’t want me to talk to anyone but I insisted that we needed help and as a result we are on a DMP. Thank Heaven for CCCS and this forum.
She had wrestled with telling me for some time but having done so it has been a huge load off. The question is “do we tell our dependants?”
They need money to live: clothes, trips etc. As we’ve had to cut right back, we’re struggling to support them; the eldest especially, with stuff like fees for essential field trips and driving lessons; and she goes to University next year.
Her part-time jobs are just pin money so she’s despondent that she has little money. “How come we don’t seem to have any money any more?” she says. Now she’s getting student accounts dangled in front of her, with the dangers of credit, overdrafts, etc.
Meanwhile I’m wondering how we’ll get through Christmas. Moreover how to cope with University tuition fees and student costs, estimated at £5k/p.a. when the DMP is already set.
On one hand we really want to tell them of our situation but I’m not sure if it’ll be a monumental mistake. The pros and cons appear to be:
+ No more lying, they will understand why we are behaving oddly, we can face the future openly and they will be prepared if we need to do something drastic (e.g. sell up).
- They will think less of their parents, they will never have the same respect for us again and they will curtail their planned education because of money fears (that’d destroy us).
So what I really would like to know is whether to tell them or not. Did you tell your kids out there? Was it the right decision?

brummiebabe

I'd say it depends very much on the age of your children! For the one at Uni, they're an adult, so should be able to understand your situation. For teenage kids, its probably important to let them know the score, to some extent, and that there is not going to be the same sort of spending going on.

It could well be important, it helping them to understand that debts have to be paid and that credit cards etc are NOT the way to go!

Just some thoughts, I haven't got children old enough to understand, but I don't think it hurts children to learn that parents can make mistakes in life - but can sort them out! Parents are only human after all!!!!:D

taplady

I understand how you feel.We are in a similar situation.We haven't said to the children that we are in debt as such but i think our elder son at 15 realises. i did not want to burden them with what was our fault.We have just tried to make them realise that we haven't got unlimited cash and that we have to budget and save for things.my greatest fear would be that in the future they would follow us down the same path and get into debt! I do hope that I can encourage my children to be better with money than we were ! But I do feel guilty that we cant give them what we to.

gnome_3

I have older children too but we aren't in quite so much bother as you seem to be, also we were never particularly flush with cash so if we cut back now they probably wouldn't spot the difference.

If your family situation was that there seemed to be lots of money for spending on this and that and now there isn't it will be a big contrast and they will know that something is very odd.

Having said that I think that I would try to play down any change in circumstance as much as possible, as you say, if you come clean and tell them how much poo you are in the older one going to Uni might decide that she should get a job at Woolies instead and pay her way.

Have you looked into all the help you can get with the Uni costs? it may not be as bad as you think and maybe you can alter your DMP when the time comes.

Have you found other sources of income? have you sold the things that you no longer need, like ebay or could you sell your unwanted books, DVDs etc on amazon? have you looked at the Old Style board for ideas on food budgets and christmas on a budget etc?

If it gets really bad and you have to sell up I think that if you keep your nerve and tough it out you can put a little bit of spin on the situation as make out that it was a move for the best (nearer your parents /work/ shops etc)

In conclusion if it was me/us I wouldn't burden them

homersimpson_3

my friend's parents used to borrow money from a money lender which use to come to the house each week. the money lender was taken into a room and the door was closed. my friend was never allowed in and parents just said mr x is at the door. one day when she was older her parents had to go out and so asked my friend to give the money to mr x with a book- no other explanation from parents. my friend who by this time could read/write and understand this book looked at it and it all became clear - her parents were borrowing money from money lender. Her parents very loving hard working and whilst she loved/respected them she could never forgive them for the fact they didn't tell her. She was angry and hurt. It didn't help that she considered both of her parents wasted money - they spent large amounts on cigarettes in the early years but later gave up for health reasons.
I agree alot depends on the age of the child. Explain the situation to the eldest pointing out the dangers involved, how to budget and refering her to this website. I suppose it would help if the debts were created out of necessity (spent on essentials rather than things wanted/or not needed). You have to explain to the other children the family needs to reduce its expenditure but the oldest one may tell her siblings. that's a risk you run.

stellagypsy

Can your daughter go to a local Uni where she can initially live at home? That way you only get stung for the fees (and feeding her of course!)

My son has stayed local - main reason is that he is dyslexic and needs a certain amount of support - he has just his loan to live on and any wages he can scrape up, pays me a nominal amount of board every week. He is still better off than his cousin who moved away, costing his mum & dad about £5k pa fees / accommodation and other expenses.

We agreed that he could come and go as he pleased, he could have the run of the house and that we would treat him as an adult (if only he had an adult atitude to money, but that's another story!) - so far so good. We have always got on well and it is no problem to me having him here in this way, he seems suited with it.

He is not fully aware of our financial situation but knows that we cannot afford to pay any more than his fees and also knows that if he wants to take a flat he will have to find the means to pay for it himself. For now, he is just thrilled to have got to Uni (especially being dyslexic) so he is soaking it all up at the moment. (FWIW, I would work 24 hours a day to pay the fees for him to go to Uni, I was denied this as a teenager in the 1970's by financial constraints set on me by my parents and finally got my degree last year - that is not going to happen to my son.)

Just a thought.....

HTH, Stella

Bennifred

I know it's no comfort, but so many of us find ourselves in the same position as you We decided that it is important for young people to realise that money generally doesn't just fall into one's lap, but has to be earned by someone; and wanted them to learn that actually there can be a great deal of satisfaction to be had by earning/saving and paying for things oneself. So, quite a few years ago we let it be known that other than basic pocket money (very basic!) anything else they wanted (as opposed to needed) would have to be earned. Eg: mobile phone? not until you can earn enough to run one i.e. paper round at 13. Supermarket part-time from 16. We have encouraged them to save between a third and a half of whatever they earn, citing future needs such as Uni, and indeed eldest has just gone away to Uni for the first time and is paying own fees and living costs (from savings until he gets a part time job there) with accommodation coming from a student loan. He fully accepts that we cannot afford to pay his way, and that it is his choice as an adult to continue with his education (obviously with our total blessing, and yes, we would love to be able to fund him - there were grants in our day :mad: ). The younger ones occasionally bemoan their lot (don't we all) but I truly believe that this is such a valuable lesson and will stand them in good stead all their lives.

frosty

We told our two sons we had money problems,they are 17 & 20,they have been very good,the youngest got himself a job at the weekends,he only earns £20.00 a week but he makes it last him all week.My eldest son is at college so relys on a bursary,he lives at home so he has no living costs.They seem to enjoy all the home cooking I do which has saved us a fortune over the months as we used to eat a lot of expensive junk,I would tell your children you have problems,call a family meeting and explain every thing to them.You might be surprised how understanding they are......GOOD LUCK.

aliasojo

Tell them. I'm of the firm belief that although children should not be put in a position where they have to worry about things, they should be informed and be realistic.

I think people do children no favours when they try to shield them from important matters. This stuff happens in life, they can only become more informed as people if they come across situations such as this in life.

Trying to avoid the issue will only cause stress. You are not in the position to live as you did, the children do not understand why and still have the same expectations. They may start to feel resentment if their expectations are not met when they have been in the past, and they can't see any reason why not now.

I'm not saying you have to discuss every last detail with them, but it would be foolish to try to hide this type of situation from them, in my opinion.

I don't see how they would think any less of you because of this. They may feel annoyed at the change of lifestyle they will experience, but that's normal for children and they'll soon get over it. I understand your worries about their education, but thousands of kids from poorer families manage to make it through, I think it depends a lot of determination.

I also think this type of 'pull together' situation can only encourage selflessness and consideration. Both good traits for your kids to have.

My OH and I go through 'comfortable' and 'skint' phases. I don't tell my kids all the details, but I do make sure they understand why we can't do XY or Z. I think it's one of life's useful lessons. It does them no favours to go through life too comfortably, they only end up ill prepared for life's unexpected eventualities when they are adults.

I'm speaking from experience.....I had old school parents who discussed nothing with us kids, I left home with completely unrealistic expectations of how things were/should be and I very quickly fell flat on my face and in debt. It took me years to get straight and I vowed that if nothing else, my kids would go into the world aware and with a huge dose of realism.

Good luck.

ceegee

I think you should tell them. Not all of the gory details, just that financially, things are extremely tight. You will not be doing them any favours by pretending that everything is fine. They have to learn this important life lesson.......money does not grow on trees. It will stand them in good stead when they are financially independent.

I am facing the University thing with my eldest daughter. She has been advised by a lady from UCAS that things are changing from 2006 and that people from low income families, such as us with working tax credits, will effectively not have to pay tuition fees. Bursaries and other financial help for living costs is also available, but luckily my daughter is looking at a uni close to us which specialises in her field. Approach the university and ask for the literature regarding financial help.

I really feel very strongly that to expect driving lessons now is way too much. My two teenage dds are well aware that that sort of thing is totally out of the question. But I always try to put a positive slant on things....such as being grateful for what we have rather than hankering after what we cannot afford. It gets a bit hard, sometimes!

Yep, I'd definitely tell them that there are problems, without going into all the details. The details are not their business, but the lack of money will affect them so I think that they should have some explanation. And try to do it in a non-confrontational way........treat them like adults.

All the very best to you.....I hope it will all work out for you all. :grouphug:

Debt_Free_Chick

Personally, I think "yes" tell them. You need to "manage their expectations" which means that they understand what is and what is not likely to be affordable in the future. There's no point in them dreaming about an iPod Nano for Christmas, if it's not an option. Similarly, expensive days out at Thorpe Park, Alton Towers and the like ... a dream pony ... £80 trainers etc, etc .......

Don't be too apologetic .. be matter of fact. Show them your budget - no, really! This helps them to understand that there really is only a limited amount of money for their fun items.

The last thing you want is emotional blackmail from your dependants (kids?) .. you know the kind of thing .....

It's also important that they understand that they are not "odd" compared to their peers if they don't have the latest gizmos. Teach them the value of free days out ... a good walk, spotting birds, taking in the scenery, a thrifty picnic etc ....

Good luck