Mental health of friend: I need to help her, advice!

gorgeous_gwen

Hi all

I posted a couple of weeks back about my good friend who has been very depressed and has handed over care of her children to her parents as she doesn't feel she is capable of looking after them right now.

She is on anti depressants, and has a history of depression through various parts of her life, mainly after the birth of her first child.

I suppose I'm asking if anyone knows what I can do. I've been helping her out where I can, having her round for tea to make sure she's eating, getting bits and bobs when I go shopping, taking her out for coffee to get her out of the house, and stuff like that.

She saw her GP again today. She was referred to mental health services by her GP but refused as they felt her 'situation' (ie being a single parent with two young children) was treatable through her anti depressants and using Home Start. She was devastated and I've been having to keep a close eye on her as I am really worried about her health. She has said to me that although she has suffered depression in the past, she is way past the point where she can handle things, and has quite noticeable mood swings, sometimes over the course of hours, days, or sometimes weeks, and she is finding these incredibly difficult to deal with.

Her GP apparently said that although he is sympathetic (he has been really supportive to her) he believes that circumstances have come about which anyone would find hard to handle, and as soon as various issues are resolved, coupled with her tablets, counselling and help from Home Start, she will be better. She said she tried to tell him how bad she was feeling, but it seems he basically said that the only way she can get an immediate referral to the mental health services is if she says she is suicidal and basically said they'd take her away there and then, and was that what she wanted?

Of course she doesn't, but to me, it looks now like she is in a situation where she either admits her suicidal feelings and gets sectioned, or plays down how bad she feels and deals with it pretty much by herself. She says she has good days and bad days, and on a good day feels like she could sort everything out, but on her bad days, her mood is so dark that she seriously contemplates killing herself: she's even thought though how she would do it. Of course I'm so so worried but I can't be there 24 hours a day for her, but what should I do? What CAN I do? Should we basically do what the GP says and see her through it as she *will* get better- it's just that I can see exactly what the GP means but it's a hell of a risk to take given what she's said to me, and I know I'd forever feel so awful if she did decide things weren't worth it and I hadn't done what I could to help.

Just anything would be helpful, she's such a lovely person and I hate seeing her like this.

hev_2

Over the course of nearly 25 years I have told GPs that I was suicidal many times, and I have never been sectioned. If she is in IMMEDIATE danger of suicide that is different, and he may feel a duty to act then, but feeling close to it/thinking about it/considering it is not the same.

It may be that the GP was trying a shock tactic. One of the worst things about depression is that you are in such a black hole that it is hard to see how anyone can understand what you are going through, especially if the depression has been caused/triggered by dreadful things. A GP who is dealing with people in different stages of depression may see the situation differently and genuinely believe that the help will turn it around.

My experience of depression is a feeling of complete worthlessness, and your friend may feel that no 'normal' help will be adequate because she is so 'bad'. I've put the 'bad' in inverted commas because depression can skew any judgement. I am sure from what you have said she is a wonderful mother and person.

Would your friend and your GP agree to you accompanying her to another appointment with the GP. When I am depressed I find it very hard to communicate how bad things are, it may be that your friend is struggling to get words out. Another tactic is to work with her to get a written statement of how bad she is feeling to show to the GP in case she struggles again to convince him.

Also I would like to say that I really admire and respect you for trying to help your friend through such a difficult time. You are one in a thousand, and your friend is lucky to know you.

flutterbyuk25

It sounds like you are already doing the right thing, just being there for her.

With depression it is a bit like a fog, it's all hazy then at some point (gradually) it should lift and you begin to feel more 'normal' again. But everyone is different, and it can take a long time to get there.

Does she have any other friends that are aware of the situation who can help you keep an eye on her?

Sorry but I can't really offer many words of wisdom, but just wanted to say that you are a lovely friend.

There is a useful Depression thread on the Health & Beauty Moneysaving thread where you may find some more help.

Hope your friend gets better soon

x

Fourcandles_3

I realise that this isn't what you want to hear and I am sorry.

You can't fix this. No one can. With time and treatment your friend may get better, but I have seen friends on this road and really other than what you are doing by being there I don't see what else there is.

Truthfully mental health is still more about symptoms that cure. Your friend is lucky to have you, but remember if things get worse before they get better you have to look after yourself as well.

TAG

I haven't read your other thread i just wondered how long your friend has been feeling like this and how long she has been on medication. I wonder if maybe a different anti depressant would be better.

I had PND after all my children. After no 3 I was awful. It took 3 tries at different anti depressants before we found one that started to do the trick. But the time in between I thought I was going mad. I had help from Home Start as well. In fact the lady that used to come each week ended up becoming a very good friend and we are still in touch to this day. That's 13 years now.

Depression is an awful, lonely illness and very hard to understand for someone that hasn't experienced it. But eventually if she is on the right medication she will begin to feel a bit better and able to cope more very slowly but surley. May take weeks or months. Your friend is very lucky to have someone like you to support her. Just keep doing what you are doing as much as you can.

xx

skintchick

My Gp said the same to me - he refused to let me go to hospital and I was convinced what I needed was to be in a quiet place for a while but he said no.

Being there for your friend is all you can do. Perhaps get her to read Climbing Out Of Depression by Sue Atkinson which I found very helpful.

She will get better but it may take a very long time. She is doing all the right things but she needs to trust her doctor - mine was right and I'm sure hers is too.

All the best

gorgeous_gwen

hev wrote: »

My experience of depression is a feeling of complete worthlessness, and your friend may feel that no 'normal' help will be adequate because she is so 'bad'. I've put the 'bad' in inverted commas because depression can skew any judgement. I am sure from what you have said she is a wonderful mother and person.

Hev, I think you've so hit the nail on the head with this. I think part of it is some kind of frustration, I know she's 'been there, seen it, done it' when she had post natal depression, she was referred to the psychiatric services for new mothers and found it really helpful (she has talked to me about it quite a lot recently) and I think she feels somewhat hopeless because she's been through such bouts and come out the other side, but feels right now that despite trying everything she can, the things that have worked before (she did a great job in counselling herself through the breakdown of the relationship with her ex and I think she did so well to come through it) aren't working and she says she feels like she's 'floundering.'

It is also hard to know what to do because sometimes when I see her, she comes across as being so happy and full of life, her good days are great days, she will show me the little lists she makes of things to do (I like those too lol!) and she says she feels so accomplished to tick everything off, get piles of letters sorted/washing done/washing up out of the way/laundry folded/etc and you can almost feel the positive vibes coming from her. Then her down days/weeks are the ones where when I see her, I have to ply her to eat (I know she's gone for days not eating all day then will just have a small meal in the evening), she doesn't get up til 2/3/4pm, she looks white as a sheet and is tired all the time, and the difference is such a contrast it's hard to believe it's the same person.

Thanks everyone for the lovely words, it's so nice to know people bother enought o write. I do sympathise a lot because I have suffered with depression so I think I have some level of empathy with her, and I know how great it is to have someone to lean on when times are really hard.:T

moosetastic

I thought I would write something to you too, try to share my experience as it were. It sounds like you are doing all you can for your friend and, echoing many people above, she seems lucky to have someone in her life who cares what happens to her and her family.

I have been through depression and suffering with it now. However, the depression I have now is reactive depression due to my husband suffering from bi polar for the past 4 years. it has been a long hard struggle just to get him any form of help, and finally he has just started down a psychiatric road which in time i hope will really help. he should have had it from the beginning but, just as in your case, the doctors didnt think him to be that bad and thought medication would help.

It has been a long 4 years, believe me, struggling with the violence and mood swings, the memory loss, me having to leave work early to take him to A&E only to sit there for 5 hours and nothing happen. But what gets to me the most out of everthing is the pure frustration of wanting to help yet not being able to. you get tired of asking whats wrong and how you can help, but you persevere as you know no-one else will ask. at times it can be like talking to a brick wall, it is hard, and i offer you my support 100% if you ever need to vent or scream or ask for advice.

unfortunately depression is a long and lonely illness, not just for the people who suffer from it but the people who care about them. I will repeat what someone said on here as well, make sure you take care of yourself and try not to let this "worry" you too much. i know its easier said than done, but in order to be strong for her you need to be strong as well. As i say, i have suffered with a lot of stress and i am on 210mg of antidepressants myself a day just to keep me going, purely from not looking after myself when i should have done.

People ask me all the time how I get through every day and I just smile and say "you have to as no one can do it for you". Even though Im crying inside you still put on a brave face and try to act as normal as possible. im sure your friend will start to feel better soon, antidepressants need at least 6 months to start to work so there is no instant cure. if you feel like your friend is not getting better, or is more tired, or is more irritable, then it may be a good idea to make sure the tablets she is on are working correctly for her. i had to try 3 different ones to find one that suited me, its just trial and error unfortunately, and every time a new tablet is tried the whole 6 months starts over again.

if you ever need anything just pm me, im on here most nights so i will try and reply. im sure your friend will come through this and be back to her old self very soon xxx

gorgeous_gwen

moosetastic, I forgot to mention (your post just reminded me) that my friend has recently told me that she thinks it may be possible that she could be bipolar. It's not something I know much about, but she found a questionnaire on a website which she completed and gave to her GP which suggested she had a high probability, she ticked an awful lot of the boxes from what I can remember. I don't recall if she told me what site it was/what questionnaire it was but I'll ask her and see if it rings any bells.

chilli_dog

hey gwen,

there was a lady on five live today who had been diagnosed with Bi-polar.
I believe more people are being diagnosed with it and its replacing some of the manic depression diagnosis.

hope your friend gets well she is lucky to have a mate like you.

http://www.bipolar.com/

Chollita

Gwen, has your friend been tested for any physical problems? Might be worth checking that out.

Good luck to her, I hope she finds the help she needs.