Mother in law help please

janey17

Hi, everyone

I have known my husband ten and a half years now- married for three! In all that time, I would say that I have got on very well with my mother in law who was actively involved in our wedding in that she made our cake.

The thing is since we got a home and got married our contact from her has been none existent. We live only 15 minutes away so for the past three years my hubby and I have made the effort to go over when we can as we both work through the week full time. I think in the last three years she has visited 4 times, rang 3 times. As I dont want to make a gap in not hearing from her I will always initiated either a phone call or a text.

I see my family mainly my mum and dad alot- they will either come up to ours and invite us for tea, or Christmas etc and will speak to them perhaps 3-4 times a week. Over time I have become increasingly worried about the lack of contact my hubby recieves from his family- when we do go to theirs she does not appear to be interested in finding out how he is- you know how he is doing at work etc. All my hubby hears her talk about is his sisters and how she has been getting out and out on day trips etc which are more THAN 15 minutes away. It has got to the point that I can not motivate ( I know this sounds bad) my hubby to visit his parents. I also felt his mum got on ok with him- I know him and his dad have never got on ( for issues I wont go into now) and worry what will happen when we do eventually have family.

I would be very grateful for any advice as I am worried that the gap in communication if we no longer intiaited will become too wide.

Thanks in advance

miserly_mum

My ex inlaws were like that too. We always had to go to their house to visit, never the other way round. Mainly due to my MIL who was Queen bee and felt everyone should flock to her.

Although in a way that was a bit of an advantage as I could make each visit as long or short as I wanted, ( their conversation was almost non existant most of the time)

Even when each of our children were born we had to take the baby to them. When ex hubby was in hospital none of them came to visit. That was just how they were, odd balls, who didn't mix well. My ex never thought it was anything but normal. Really depends on what you are used to I suppose?

Sounds like MIL is throwing you a few hints about taking her out wth you aswell. Maybe she justs sees it as her priviledge to be taken out and about by her children.

You might just have to accept this is how she is. Carry on making the effort visiting maybe once a fortnight with a few phone calls in between. It'll make you the bigger person even if it is frustrating for you.

[Deleted User]

as a mum in law to my dds husbands: I have learnt to play it by ear. One dd is more dependent on me than the other. The independent one who lives 10 mins away, has a dh who (thinks) he knows it all re house, baby etc so I learnt to keep quiet and to wait for the invitations and that is ok because I am aways here for them when they want me but I am not the mil from hell

The other is more dependent and has a dh who likes to fully involve me and appreciates me and my help so I can pop in and I can offer advice and things and involve them in things we do

Neither son in law is unhappy with me. Maybe op, you are giving subtle `keep your distance` signals to your mil and maybe she is trying hard to be the perfect mil ie everyone knows the mil jokes about not living too close. Chat with her about it. Maybe there is a `stiff` unspoken barrier which is hard to break through ie it is easier to speak about the weather, sisters etc rather than close and personal things

charmed-imsure

I must say, most of my family have been this way & now I just give up! I've spent most of my life being the one to keep contact & if I don't contact them, I know I won't be likely to hear from them. It's a shame because I seem to be the only person in my family who has any family values. I've been married twice & my mum never turned up to either, she made an excuse of having nobody to look after her parrot if she came to the wedding for the day! My mother never seems that interested when anyone visits. My father died last December & for a couple of months before that my mother didn't speak to me (she came up to visit all the family & despite making arrangements to pick her up & go out for the day, she never turned up & I think the family think bad of her for that - I know I do). She spoke to me on the day Dad died, since that she didn't bother. It was her b/day beginning January & I just didn't realise how quick it came round so sent her happy birthday text & bought belated b/day card, she told me to p155 off... To this day, still absolutely no idea what's made her the way she's become but she made me give up trying now. It's s shame but I guess I'm used to not having a close knit family anyway, it never seemed to work for us lot. I'd say that's probably the way your MIL is with your hubby & perhaps it's just what they're used to. I always made the effort to see mother, even now 220 miles away I still visited 3 times in 1 year, she came here twice, one time I never even knew about, but failed to keep her promise to see me & she was only staying 4 miles away.

amerthyst

Is'nt it funny how our out-laws have such different idea's on how things are I completely agree with miserly_mum accept that That's how she is and You are not going to change the way you are don't feel guilty just feel sorry for them as they miss out on soooo much my out law was the same until the children came along and now she's making an effort even making a phone call to say hi

miserly_mum

I had the opposite problem with my Mother compared to my MIL..........we couldn't get rid of her

She was at my house before 10am and didn't leave until about 30 mins before ex hubby came home from work. When we had a day out to the beach or whatever she just expected to be included.

Don't get me wrong, I loved her dearly and she was fantastic with my kids etc but..........she was a master at emotional blackmail and just made me feel soooooooo guilty if I dared try to exclude her from anything.

Maybe thats what your MIL is like with her daughters and thats why they take her out etc. Perhaps your Hubby is wise to it all and thats why he doesn't feel the need to visit so often?

luxor4t

I spent years trying to be a 'good DiL', till I realised that nothing was going to be quite good enough for her and the rest of the family was losing out.
Now I don't try so hard and if things don't go the way MiL would like, then 'what a shame'.

MiL expects my DH to phone her - she will not pick up the phone to ring him - and then grumbles if he does not call her as often as she would like . He is happy with the way things are with his mother and nobody else is adversly affected, so I let them get on with it.

CB1979_2

why care, you married your husband not the family??

just a bonus if you all get on or not.

also, so what if they don't see your kids (when you have some)??

belfastgirl23

I think you sound like a lovely person and I really admire how you're holding things together. I'd say don't worry about it, just accept that this is how things are (and encourage your DH to accept it too)....it doesn't necessarily mean that she doesn't care about you or him, it's just how she is...

basketcase

As she was fine up till the wedding, can you ask her if there's anything wrong, as you were looking forward to building on the good relationship you thought you already had. Is it possible that, now you're married, she's trying not to be the 'interfering mil'?

Could she be telling you what she does thinking that she's bringing you up to date with all her news - and that of the rest of the family? Perhaps she talks about your DH when she's with his sisters.

Maybe not, but it could be worth considering.

RedBern

as long as you do keep contact you can sleep easy. However, I notice you're the one who's bothered - what about your husband - is he concerned about how often he sees his mum? It may be she doesn't want to be seen as interfering and that has put up a temporary barrier that she feels she can't get over. Just continue to invite her around, call/telephone regularly and you've done what you can. Not really your problem...