Marriage Councelling? Where to start?

donna1987

Hi all! I'm not sure if this is the correct place, so if it isn't could someone please move/direct me to a better suited board? Thanks

Basically my parents have been having major problems for a long time. It's their 22nd wedding anniversary on Saturday and to be honest, its a miracle they've made it that far. They constantly argue, about everything from money, to family, to who does what, to how long it should take to go to the shop and back. Today my mum phoned me in tears and is at complete breaking point and has finally accepted that they either need to get help in the form of some councelling or call it a day for the sake of both their sanities! For a long time my dad refused to admit there was anything wrong, he seems to think it's normal for a wife not to have any life outside the home and for a husband to know where she is 24/7- literally he phones her constantly(about 3-5 times an hour) and goes mad if nobody answers the phone, which obviously happens if my mums in the bathroom, :rolleyes: . My mum seems to have a mental block on having a conversation with my dad and whenever anything needs discussing, she just goes straight into arguement mode cause "theres no talking to him".

Me and my sister have been saying for about 8 years that they need some form of councelling or to call it a day, and finally today they've both agreed to councelling. They still love eachother very much, and when things are good between them, its great. But it seems to be a scarce occurance these days. I personally think they need to learn to communicate with eachother and to have realistic expectations of eachother and my dad needs to deal with his paranoia, and I think councelling would be the best place for them to do this.

They haven't got a clue where to begin, and neither do I so where would be the best place for them to start or is there anything out there that could point them in the right direction? Also if anyone has any other ideas for an alternative to councelling, it would be most welcome!

Thanks in advance!
Donna

Savvy_Sue

Relate.

There may be other local options available but Relate is the national one. They often have a waiting list and they do charge.

donna1987

Thanks for the link savvy sue, im having a look on their website now, but it doesnt say how much it costs? My parents aren't hard up or struggling, but one of their big problems is my dads scrooge like nature (and I dont mean just being good with money or a money-saver, he thinks he's being robbed if my mum spends £20 on a pair of shoes once a year!). So it would be a shame to have them back to argueing before they've even started about the cost of it all, and it would be handy to let them know the costs before they make an appointment. I've told them councelling will cost, but that it will cost nothing compared to a divorce, but I don't think it sunk in properly.

littlemissmoney

You would have to contact your local Relate and ask as they vary.

cazziebo

Relate work on a flexible basis - you are asked how much you can afford and that's how much you pay. It's often phrased " there is a cost to this service although we don't want people not to come because they can't afford it. Does the sum of £xx per session seem fair?" I think the xx is currently about £35.

of course a scrooge would think a fiver wasn't worth it...

Wish you heartfelt good luck in this. My parents separated after 41 years, my dad was in his 70s and my mum was in her 60s. My dad was devastated and never recovered. Both were really miserable the rest of their lives. Sadly, they actually did (seem to!) have something that a bit of counselling might have helped keep. Very sad.

Savvy_Sue

Just a thought, you say your mum can't talk to him, would he listen to you and your sister talking calmly? I wouldn't normally recommend getting involved in anyone else's marriage, and I'd see this as a one-off "We are not going to get involved or take sides in any way, BUT ..." session. Or writing him a letter: "We know you two love each other dearly, BUT ..." kind of letter.

People don't change overnight, of course, and it may take persuasion to go for counselling. Although your mum can go on her own if he won't.

And written down the cost of an 'average' amicable divorce may scare him ... they don't come cheap!

donna1987

Thanks for all your advice everyone, its really appreciated. Have passed the details of relate to my parents and mums going to make an appointment on friday.

As for me talking to my dad, ive tried. ive told him if he just needs someone to talk to im here to listen to him in the same way im there for mum, but he just insists the problem isnt with him. he also has a big problem with opening up and talking about his problems. i understand his reasons for this as both my parents had traumatic childhoods and my dad saw alot of horrible things while he was in the army, which he has only ever spoken to my mum about once in 25 years together. he was brought up to think big boys dont cry and its weak for a man to talk about how he feels so i understand the reasons why he doesnt want to talk to me or my sister. he also sees everything as a personal attack and goes straight on the defensive, so i think a third party without an emotional interest would be the best way to go.
they've both agreed to do it now, my dad isnt keen, but my mums told him its that or she has to leave cause she cant take anymore, so he hasnt got much of an option really. hopefully when it gets going he'll realise it was the right thing to do.

thanks again everyone.

Sue-UU

Hi Donna,

I do hope all goes well for your parents at Relate and that they can get things sorted out and really work on keeping together.

I think Sue's idea would be marvellous for a lot of people, but given all you wrote in your last post, I can see that it wouldn't work at all for your dad at least.

Please let us know how they go as it's so good to (hopefully) hear of good outcomes. For the sake of each other AND their very caring daughters I hope they both try really hard.

Best wishes.

Sue

Leilasmum

Hi
Sorry to hear about your parents' problems.
Me & hubby are also seeing Relate - there is a long waiting list, it costs around £43 per session. We opted for Phone counselling as we have 2 young ones & not always convenient to leave them. Costs £45 and has been helpful for us. No waiting list either!
HTH anyway

belfastgirl23

I agree with Sue above, wouldn't normally recommend getting involved but your mum might need you to back her up to help persuade him to go. I wouldn't get into rights and wrongs but just focus on her unhappiness (and his if you think he can accept it) and ask if it isn't worth going to make them happier. If he won't go, she can still go on her own BTW which she might have to do for a few sessions until he realises she means it.

fingers crossed it works out for them! Do let us know

bestpud

Has your mum ever seriously threatened, or began, to leave the relationship?

I ask because it can sometimes take this to make the other person realise how much suffering is going on. It certainly helped in our marriage - it was the jolt we both needed because my oh woke up to what was happening and I realised I wasn't ready to let go without a fight too.

Not saying it is the answer for everyone but it sounds like something your mum needs to be prepared for if he won't consider getting help because he sounds like he'll be very resistant to counselling, to say the least!

Really, she needs to be stating very clearly that she wants it to work, but this is the end of the line if they don't do something now.

I hope it works out - it's horrible when your parents aren't getting on (even when we are adults ourselves). I'm sure your mum appreciates being able to talk to you about it though.