Do you think we'll be ok??

kizzykizzywizzy

Hi have just worked out that after our mortgage ends it's fixed rate & we have to re-mortgage & when my Husbands money goes down, due to finishing his secondment,that after bills we will have £465 left this will need to cover:
Food £200-300 with him home!
Petrol - don't use much but £20-£30
Hobbies £10
Haircuts - ?
Presents - ?
Days out - have a merlin pass, so shouldn't cost much with packed lunch - just petrol extra
Car maint ? ( Tax is paid for by free months of council tax )
School trips - ?
Can't think what else, but I'm really panicking as he doesn't seem to grasp that we will not be rich, when his money goes down & it's making me feel ill.
He's been away at sea for 4 months, the only outgoings are bar bill, toiletries, washing powder & onshore ( which means blowing loads on crap )
When he's at sea all he can spend on is his bar bill, but as soon as they go ashore he goes mad! He has been ashore since Thursday & has spent £84, I know some of that was on washing powder & toiletries, but that's going to be nearly our weekly budget when he's home! He's spent £700 in 4 months.
He's back Friday for the weekend, I need to speak to him about this without the row & him calling me stupid, for living like a pauper! & being told I'm treating him like a school boy.

Please Help!
P.S I know we have some savings, but I can't see us being able to add to those much in the future, so the only way for them to go is down:o

SuzySu

Hi Kizzy...it's not a nice situation to be in when you feel you are constantly nagging your OH. Sorry...I don't know what to suggest, other than you have my support. At least you are Debt Free - that is fantastic and a great achievement in itself.

kizzykizzywizzy

Thanks SuzySu, I forgot to say we have 2 children, have been together since teenagers over 20 years & I love him to bits, but although the secondment has helped us pay our debts off, he's with other people who apparently are buying laptops etc, when they go to the ports, which he isn't doing, so in comparison feels he's not spending much, whereas we were living on about £50 a week whilst trying to clear the debt for 3 of us, so I suppose some resentment has built up on my part

SuzySu

Ah yes.....but are these people buying the laptops and being free with their money doing so on credit? You can sleep at night knowing you have a lovely marriage, 2 wonderful children and a roof over your heads. That counts for a lot in my book.

dancingfairy

I guess if you sit down and go through the figures with him....? Maybe point out all the things he has that the other people don't have - lovely wife/great kids/a house etc and point out that they could be buying laptops on their credit cards and be in a complete mess. Don't really have any better suggestions but good luck.

andan

Hi kizzy, sounds like your having a bit of a tough time getting your hubby to see the other side. Have you written it down and shown him why when his secondment is over you'll both still need to be careful with the money. if you can show him why and all the papers and bills then perhaps this may help him to grasp the situation visually.

If its any concelation i know how you feel though, at the mo i keep nagging my fella for money for the bills. His response was, but i gave you some last week. My response being that the money he paid last week was from the time he hadn't paid me it before. He then asked where all the money was going and when i told him how much our council tax was per month i.e £135, he couldn't believe it:rolleyes: Perhaps if he stopped thinking money grew on trees he'd realise how much i pay out on the bills and aren't using his money for wild nights out:rolleyes:

kizzykizzywizzy

I expect they are just going away to earn the extra money, being apart from their family which is awful, just to buy a load of crap that they don't need.
The only reason my Husband went was to clear the debt as it was getting out of hand at £20,000 & we were getting a month away to not being able to pay the minimums. I can't go back to that & am so worried that he thinks he can spend like this, I'm worried for our future.
I can only email him at the moment & have done so, loads of times & deleted it, as it sounds stroppy. I gasped at his spending once on the phone & the schoolboy remark came out & he called me stupid, which really upset me as I've worked so hard to save, some of the money came from an ISA I cashed in, but £8,000 of it was pure hard work & scrimping.
I'm so looking forward to seeing him, but also scared that all we'll do is argue or skirt around the issue until it gets to one full scale row.

andan

If there are things you want then perhaps you could talk about saving up for them and showing him how great it will be being able to pay with cash instead of having the debts.

kizzykizzywizzy

Thank You so much for your replies, nice to feel I'm not alone.
Can I ask are there any of you that think I AM in the wrong, it can't be nice for him to be away from his family, I suppose you get a bit stir crazy onboard & then see loads of "things" that are probably quite exciting when you can't buy anything onboard, snacks etc.
He probably feels he deserves it as he's bringing in most of the money.
On the other hand, we've been scrimping - not so much since debt cleared & called "stupid":mad: still upsets me now! I haven't been for meals out, trips to Mount Etna for gods sake! & have cut down my alcohol considerably, hardly drink at all now;) no takeaways, but I have the children, hard work, but we still find cheap / free & fun things to do, so I have some nice things too:D

SarahNeedle1872

kizzykizzywizzy wrote: »

Thank You so much for your replies, nice to feel I'm not alone.
Can I ask are there any of you that think I AM in the wrong, it can't be nice for him to be away from his family, I suppose you get a bit stir crazy onboard & then see loads of "things" that are probably quite exciting when you can't buy anything onboard, snacks etc.
He probably feels he deserves it as he's bringing in most of the money.
On the other hand, we've been scrimping - not so much since debt cleared & called "stupid":mad: still upsets me now! I haven't been for meals out, trips to Mount Etna for gods sake! & have cut down my alcohol considerably, hardly drink at all now;) no takeaways, but I have the children, hard work, but we still find cheap / free & fun things to do, so I have some nice things too:D

Kizzy, talking to my OH about money used to be pretty much a no-go area, but he is slowly coming round..... and I mean slowly!

What you have said above is right, no it can't have been nice being away from his family, and it must have been quite difficult to watch oothers blow money on allsorts, whether on credit or not...... But that was while he was away! Now he is back, things will need to be different (as you have said).... I'm assuming the debt you had was joint, and not just yours? You have made sacrifices too (can't have been easy for you and the kids for OH not to be there either!) both emotionally and financially.
I think you need to put everything down in writing and sit down with him, and explain how things are now, and that you don't want to get back to the point where he has to go away again just to clear debts off....
U two have been togther forever, so I'm sure this won't cause too many waves - you're obviously doing something right to have been together for so long!

Sarah x

kizzykizzywizzy

Thanks Sarah, that's so nice, I hope we will be together forever, I have just realised, I should've put this on the relationships board!
I know I will be ok with that amount of money, my problem is making him realise to be ok, it will take both of us.
I don't want to scare him into thinking we'll be too skint as I really don't want him to go on secondment again, it's been a very hard 18 months, I lost my Mum during this time too & I couldn't even get hold of him to speak to, it was just awful.
I know it sounds easy to say, now that I'm out of debt, but money isn't everything, I just hope in our quest to be debt free we haven't messed our relationship up.
Anyway, it just feels that bit better getting this out in the open, & Friday I'll try & gently ease him on to the subject.
Yes the debt was joint, got out of hand after I left work to have a baby & we still spent as if we had 2 wages