wife has overspent, but will not talk about it

savingnow_2

My wife has spent 10k since xmas on credit cards and has a car loan at 200/mth and a bank loan at 350/mth.
She earns 15k pa

I have tried talking but she won't

what do I do?

Bismarck

What's the 10K gone on? Do you have any idea?

Tell her that you are concerned and will not go off on one...it will take some doing from both of you but you need to sit down and say you will listen and mean it.

Burlesque_Babe

the best thing is not to show anger or blame in any way. If you do, she will clam up even further. She may be trying to make ends meet but not know how and is just sticking everything on the credit card.

sallyx

Have patience and understanding. If you remain calm and want to help Im sure she will open up eventually. There tends to be many types of spending, either she is desperately trying to make ends meet or she is just spending to make herself feel better, keep up with friends, hiding other problems with the spending.

Its quite a common thing and there are many people on the board who have been in a similar situ to yourself.
Hang in there

jenjade

get here to come on here and read a few threads it is inspiring and very addicitve

Beerworshipper

Hey Savingnow,

You know your own wife far better than we do, and because of that your best judged how to handle the situation.

However, human nature is common in all of us so we may be able to help or offer some ideas on her behaviour, I guess she won't talk to you out of embarassment or a feeling of disapointment over how the whole situation has come about.

I agree with previous posters who have said to remain calm and speak to her rationally. A good mantra to hold close at times like these is:

"Whats done is done", you can't change the past but you do have control over the future.

When she does begin to open up to you be sure to listen and remember to get to the root cause, its all to easy to tackle the symptons and not the underlying cause.

I can tell by the very fact you've come on here and sought advice thats this has come as a shock to you, and I can fully undersatnd why as not knowing why is often the worst part. Furthermore, you being here also shows through that you care about her and are a rational sort of person which I think will be your greatest strength. When the dust settles you may even find that this will bring you closer together. Until then remember to come back here if you ever need advice, or a place to vent or just somewhere to escape to.

Good luck.

savingnow_2

Thanks for all your responses.

She spends spends spends on amazon, catalouges, our eldest son who is lazy, food (we waste an amazing amount of food which is thrown in the bin) etc etc.

She does not want to speak, if I suggest we see someone independant she flies off the wall etc etc.

I could remortgage but that is borrowing more and will she continue spending. I guess yes.

She would not look at this website or any other

I cannot get her to write down her budget or what she spends her money on, the first step!

I'll keep trying

thanks

Burlesque_Babe

she needs to get to the centre of why she is spending, but only she knows that - maybe she is bored in some way, does she stay at home? have friends who she feels she needs to keep up with? Could she be suffering from depression of some kind - was there a major shift in life before or at Christmas which has triggered all this off?

Good luck, I've been 'your wife' and found comfort in just 'spending', mostly on expensive food, takeaways, clothes from ebay, gadgets for the kitchen - it was to fill some kind of emotional 'need' - mostly boredom, lack of confidence in myself or keep everything 'smoothed over'. Mixed in with that, I hated talking about money and was with someone who had to have thebest of everything, drank a lot and could then never understand why there was no money, so the shopping (and at one point) the bills were going on the CC.

Obviously, I'm not saying you are to blame at all, but there must be something in her head which is triggering this all off.

Bismarck

In a nutshell, do not even consider remortgaging until you've got to the bottom of this. If you clear the cards and loan then this just opens the door again...

Some would say don't consider remortgaging at all but that's up to you.

Sounds like it won't be easy but you need to close the access to money/credit up quickly or this will get worse.

What does eldest son do?

Good luck!

savingnow_2

We have a good maritial relationship and get on well while the money is flowing!

She works full time and enjoys her job.

I think the issue is with our eldest son who is from her first marriage. He is 23 and has not workded for over a year. She buys him a season ticket (football) buys him food, clothes, splashes out at xmas for him. He has sky, a car, internet , xbox, a smart mobile phone etc etc. all for being on the dole! If he complains or says he cannot go on she feels guilty and splashes out on him.

This does not help him or us.

I know remortgaging is wrong but probablythe only way out, well not the only way!

Bismarck

You sound like you know this already but giving him stuff isn't giving him any incentive to get up and get it....he's getting stuff you can't afford that is ultimately going to put everyone's future at risk...if you end up remortgaging, you're into different territory if you somehow can't pay the increased amount....if he complains say no-one's keeping him here...if he's onto a cushy number he's hardly likely to move on....this is obviously complicated and there will be more to it than I could possibly know or understand.

However, I do have a teenage stepson who knows full well that our trees outside do not create money and that if he complains about not having this or that, he's welcome to get a job to pay for something. He knows we spend money in the best interest of everyone in the family and I hope that will stay with him as he grows older.

How much is the £350/month bank loan for? Do you feel that this will stop of its own accord or will it take serious external measures to stop the spending? If it gets that far, the problems will be far worse and the consequences more severe. A smallish problem, dealt with now could prevent a huge problem in 6 months time...

I wish you well but suggest you take firm action and only consider a remortgage after getting help from the experts on here in looking through you expenditure to see how you can attack the debt.

Take care.