Collected SIL post and found baliffs letter

SamanthaA

Poosmate wrote: »

Samantha, I can understand your annoyance, I have struggled for many years on my own and on a low income to keep a roof over my head, food on the table and fire in the hearth, keep a car (which I use for work), I haven't had a proper holiday for 6 years, I've gone without prescription medication because I didn't have the money in my purse or bank. It makes my blood boil that there are people who blatantly refuse to pay their way even though they are subsidised by the likes of you and I who work and pay our taxes, people who believe they are above the law and drive round without insurance and such like. Having said that, I don't think your aggressive questioning of the OP, Princess, will help at all. At the end of the day it's not her fault and the SIL is not here to defend herself. Princess is worried sick about this and she needs our help and support not trial and retribution.

I realise that it may read like annoyance & agressive questioning, but its not ment to, sorry.

I just cannot see how an adult can put themselves in such a position knowing that they may be going to prison, with a child in tow!
Who is she expecting to care for the child & how does she expect to pay whatever debts are calling while shes in prison?


I have only said that OP needs to bring this into the open with SIL & OH parents (again thinking that they share them) so that when/if SIL goes to prison, parents are aware.
This is too big for any individual to carry & SIL does not appear to be carrying any of the responsibility, and maybe the parents can help her see what OP cannot get her to see.

Poosmate

Hi Princess, Hi Samantha,

I know what you mean Sam and I feel desperately for the families of these kind of people who are left to pick up the pieces.

Princess, I hope all is ok (as it can be atm) and that you can sort this mess out if only for your own piece of mind. I think you really have tried to help as much as you can.

Good luck

Poo

Princess_Jane

Hello all,

sorry, I've been working all weekend, then spent the day in bed recovering - proper lazybones.

OK Sam, no offence taken re SIL and holiday. I didn't read you as being aggro, it's all the things I would think if I read my posts as another person.

She is staying with her parents - my inlaws - who live in France.

She has just had a big operation so they took her there to recuperate.

We sold stuff on ebay for her to pay towards her air fare.

We just didn't expect to be left with all this mess - no 'leccy on meter, smelly milk left in fridge, oh and yes, bailiffs visiting and the threat of arrest.

In-laws know all about her debt, because she ends up running to them to bail her out. And my OH made sure they knew everything this time as he spoke to them after he'd told her what was going on.

They totally despair of her - MIL has cried to me before, saying why are my kids so bad with money?

They on the other hand are the type to go without and save up.

OH's finances were in a terrible state until we met - self employed and didn't pay tax for two years - bailiffs at parents' house etc.

Poosmate - No chance of us helping her out £ wise I'm afraid. Just got our first place which we are doing up a bit at a time on our own. OH has taught himself plastering, laying carpet etc and we are having lots of fun, but with that and £600 mortgage - ouch ouch - we just don't have a penny spare, despite both working seven days a week, boo.

Plus SIL still owes parents £4k so we'd be waaay down the list for repayment.

Sorry if you weren't asking if we could/would help her out, I tend to skim read, which is a bad habit of mine.

Argh, long rambly post - apologies.

tallyhoh

I agree with other posters, you cant do anything. More to the point--you shouldnt do anything, you would only be helping her into a worse mess, she needs to sort this out herself.

I think the kindest thing you could do is to say to her "I understand you may be going to prison soon, I will look after your daughter till you get out", it might make her realise that theres no-one to fall back on.

My OH is like your SIL, he has been in debt since 1973ish cus people kept bailing him out. Dont help anymore.

Princess_Jane

Hopefully it won't come to that, though it would be a lesson for her, albeit a very harsh one.

I work in the court system and it's rare that fine offenders get put away.

More likely a suspended sentence, but the magistrates may decide she has been wilful in her non-payment.

Of course we would look after her daughter, but as we both work seven days a week - me over two jobs - I don't know how well we'd manage.

I often go out at 7am and come back in at 10pm/midnight/later.

But the only other option is emergency foster care, and I don't know how kindly my OH parents and sis would look on us if DD had to be put in care because we couldn't provide a home.

Anyways, we'll cross that bridge, as my mam would say.

As an aside to all this, I told my mam what had happened and she isn't happy - "what are you getting yourself into with this lot", she says.

We couldn't get a mortgage because of OH's debts and that plus lack of ring on my finger aged 29 and two years of co-habiting, mam is fond of raising concerns about my OH's intentions.

Usually to his face, at family meals, so he can't run away, LOL.

ikkle87

Princess_Jane wrote: »

Hopefully it won't come to that, though it would be a lesson for her, albeit a very harsh one.

I work in the court system and it's rare that fine offenders get put away.

More likely a suspended sentence, but the magistrates may decide she has been wilful in her non-payment.

Of course we would look after her daughter, but as we both work seven days a week - me over two jobs - I don't know how well we'd manage.

I often go out at 7am and come back in at 10pm/midnight/later.

But the only other option is emergency foster care, and I don't know how kindly my OH parents and sis would look on us if DD had to be put in care because we couldn't provide a home.

Anyways, we'll cross that bridge, as my mam would say.

As an aside to all this, I told my mam what had happened and she isn't happy - "what are you getting yourself into with this lot", she says.

We couldn't get a mortgage because of OH's debts and that plus lack of ring on my finger aged 29 and two years of co-habiting, mam is fond of raising concerns about my OH's intentions.

Usually to his face, at family meals, so he can't run away, LOL.

Your mum sounds ace lol.

All I can do is agree with what most people have said. You can't solve her debt problems for her only she can do that. By people bailing her out all the time its not teaching her how to be responsible for her actions. My ex was crap with money and when rent needed to be paid would quite happiy go out with his mates and blow £180. He used to try and sponge off of my grandparents because his family had had enough of helping him out. One day he was working away and my grandad came and took the tv, computer etc and put them in his shed then my grandma rang him up on his mobile playing holy hell saying i was crying my eyes out and was distraught because bailiffs had just been and emptied the flat, his face was a picture when he came home and found the flat empty. Now I'm not suggesting you do the same but you do need to try and find a way to get her to accept responsibility for her spending even if it is shock tactics like saying you'll look after her child if she gets sent to prison.

tallyhoh

Princess_Jane wrote: »

We couldn't get a mortgage because of OH's debts and that plus lack of ring on my finger aged 29 and two years of co-habiting, mam is fond of raising concerns about my OH's intentions.

Usually to his face, at family meals, so he can't run away, LOL.

:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

And more seriously:

Hey, of course it probably wont come to that but does SIL know that? You could try asking her quite seriously what she intends to do about DD as you work & cant really help out, ask her if she is making any arrangements for her short term care. Better to un-nerve her now than actually have the real thing happen

tallyhoh

ikkle87 wrote: »

All I can do is agree with what most people have said. You can't solve her debt problems for her only she can do that. By people bailing her out all the time its not teaching her how to be responsible for her actions. My ex was crap with money and when rent needed to be paid would quite happiy go out with his mates and blow £180. He used to try and sponge off of my grandparents because his family had had enough of helping him out. One day he was working away and my grandad came and took the tv, computer etc and put them in his shed then my grandma rang him up on his mobile playing holy hell saying i was crying my eyes out and was distraught because bailiffs had just been and emptied the flat, his face was a picture when he came home and found the flat empty. Now I'm not suggesting you do the same but you do need to try and find a way to get her to accept responsibility for her spending even if it is shock tactics like saying you'll look after her child if she gets sent to prison.

I totally agree & what a good tactic you used on your ex, I wish I had thought of that years ago.

Princess_Jane

My mam doesn't hold back.

Doesn't hold with all this living together lark and reminds OH of that every time she speaks to him.

If I ever fell pregnant she'd have the wedding arranged in less than half and hour.

She even suggested I buy a ring for myself and hand it over to him - there's the engagement ring, get on with it.

But you are right, I will remind OH that we couldn't realistically look after the DD and should remind his sister of this i.e if you don't pay your bills, your daughter could end up in care while you are in prison.

If that doesn't sort her out then lord knows what will.

SamanthaA

Princess_Jane wrote: »

Hopefully it won't come to that, though it would be a lesson for her, albeit a very harsh one.

I work in the court system and it's rare that fine offenders get put away.

More likely a suspended sentence, but the magistrates may decide she has been wilful in her non-payment.

BUT does SIL know this?
I think I would be laying it on thick about a `case where mum went to prison, with 2 kids in tow`, not lie outright but try & make her think.

Failing that post keys back to her & explain that you didn`t sign up for the baliffs bit & you cant handle the responsibility - what with your own debts, working 7 days, etc and that if the baliffs come looking at your door you will be explaining that SIL is in south of france (wont that count as being `wilfully negligent`? Not telling them that your out of country? For whatever reason?)