Help and advice needed - parents in debt

_shells_

I don't know if anyone can help, but even a push in the right direction or a kick to get things moving will help!

My father was made redundant 2 1/2 years ago. He got a very small redundancy package as he'd only been there a year. He was also left without a car as he has been in the motor industry for all his life and always had a company one. He actively searched for a new job for the first 6 months, but then became ill and resigned himself to not being able to get work until he was better. I had moved back home at this point and was giving quite a large portion of my salary to my parents to help with bills etc. I sensed that I wasn't being told the truth about how they were managing the bills, so on a bit of a sneaky hunt, I found an old handbag of my mum's full to the brim with statements, demands, credit card bills etc. On confronting her, she broke down in tears and said that my dad knew nothing about them and please don't tell him, she was managing it. She clearly wasn't - from what I can make out she is 20k-30k in debt - but she would accept no further help, including an offer to go to the CAB with her. My partner and I were in the process of buying our first house, but I kept giving my mum money even after I moved out, a few hundred pounds every month until I could no longer afford it which was about August time last year. I gave her £600 of my bonus at the end of last year on the proviso it was for a new fridge, however no new fridge has materialised and I think the money has been swallowed into the debt.

My Dad's now better, still none the wiser about the mounting pile of debt they are in, and having difficulty putting himself back out there to get a job (I understand it will be hard for him but it needs to be done). My mum works at a doctors surgery, so hardly brings home a fortune, maybe £900 a month at most. Their house, my childhood home is falling to pieces because they cannot afford repairs (broken windows, rotten wood etc.) and I end up in tears every time I come away. I give my mum money when I can, but the rising costs of my own bills means it is harder for me to come up with spare cash. I have repeatedly offered to sit down with her to sort this out, but she has buried her head in the sand.

I am scared the house will fall down around them, or they will lose it, or both. I often wake up in the night worrying about the situation. I am at my wits end trying to think of ways to force my mum to accept my help. Has anyone been in a similar situation that can offer advice, or at least help me see the wood for the trees....

LouBlue

Firstly, what a caring daughter you are, trying to help your mum, both financially and emotionally. But as you can see, it has not helped her. She is still in denial.

She needs to tell her OH, I know that is hard, but they should both be aware of the situation and be pulling in the same direction and she/they definitely need to go to the CAB for a chat. It will be a huge weight lifted, I am sure. They need a plan of action as it is obviously spiralling out of control. I am no expert, but you will get a lot of really good advice on here, just wanted to say, thanks for posting, and I hope your parents get things sorted.

TangledMemories_2

Hi,

Speaking from experience, I've just had a nervous breakdown partially due to taking on other people's problems. One thing I kept being told was that my parents' financial situation was not my fault and it wasn't up to me to bail them out. However, being the dutiful daughter I did exactly what you have done - I moved back home with my fiance and paid out £500 a month towards mortgage and bill payments only to be met with a repossession order as the bills weren't being paid.

All I can say is for your own mental and physical wellbeing you need to take a step back. I know it sounds harsh but as I said, I'm now paying the price because of it. My dad talked me into setting up a business in my name for him and mum to run as he told me it would be mine and my brothers' inheritance when he dies seeing as he's been bankrupt for the past 8 years due to failed businesses. This should have set off alarm bells, but I wanted to believe in him so much. So I did it. 4 years on, I'm liable for £50k worth of debt which my grandparents are luckily bailing ME out of - for something that wasn't my fault!

There will be people along shortly to offer more assistance debt wise....but please, take a step back to save yourself. I'm not saying don't help them, but remember you have a life as well!

It's obvious you love your parents, like I still do mine. But it doesn't mean it's worth you getting into financial difficulties for them.
Ideally your mum should go to CAB, but you say she rejected your offer of help...but will still take money from you which is unfair.

We're all here to support you. Hopefully your parents will start to accept help.

Tangly
xx

10past6

Hi Shells :hello:

Firstly, welcome to the forum, you'll find lots of help and support here.

Debt is debt, and not matter how much people say don't worry, we all worry about it, some more than others.

I would suggest you contact one of the debt charities first and take their advice, click here for details.

If you are aware of the full financial details of your parents income & expenditue, you could post the details here for further advice.

Do your parents own their own home, if so, do they have any equity in it?

The other thing that springs to mind, what about you having "Power of Attorney" I'm not sure of the full implications of that, it was just a thought.

Continue to post with any further questions you may have.

_shells_

Thank you for being so understanding. I've used this website for the last few years, but never posted before now. At the age of 28 and after finally getting on top of my own debts, I thought I might not have this sort of thing again - for a few years at least anyway! I know I should try and distance myself from it - and probably should stop giving them money, I agree, tangled - but it is v. hard to see it happening in front of you. I'm going to review everything after the weekend and talk everything over with my fiance and then tackle my mum again I think. Something needs to happen, and I'd rather it was us that made the first move instead of a brick falling or the bank taking control.

Thank you again x

kazwookie

Shells

Well done for posting, as much as you love your parents, you MUST step back from this, it is doing you no good.

You should convince your mother to talk to your father about the debt, and offer CAB or CCCS help and leave them to it, I know that sounds harsh, but I think for the long run it is best.

What did your mother do with all the money she has run up ? Is there any thing she can sell to start to make an in way into the debt?

Best wishes

GeorgeUK

Really hope you are able to make her see the light. Do you know why she is unwilling to let you help with managing the debt? Does she feel that it is her debt so she should deal with it?

If she is unwilling to discuss the particulars with you, hopefully she will be able to talk to one of the debt charities mentioned. She may want to deal with it but be unable to - you may ask her if she has reclaimed bank or credit card charges. This may at least get her talking about part of the debt if it's something she hasn't considered it. Possibly a way of broaching the subject if she goes on the defensive.

This board has seen almost every type of debt and i'm sure we'll be able to advise her of what to do - even if it is to talk to one of the debt charities as they have a little influence in getting things like interest frozen on debts.

What i'm concerned about is that your mother in trying to sort out the debt goes to a company promising the world and gets into even more difficulty. There are alot of companies right now singing the praises of IVA's, but these are not of benefit to many. You need to be very careful as missing payments on these could lead to bankrupcy and they may very well lose the house.

Even if your mother does not want your assistance in dealing with the debt, please stress that you would like to know what is happening so that you may be able to offer advice or stop her making a grave mistake.

good luck
George

SunderlandBlackCat

Hi Shells

I think your dad needs to know & soon otherwise he's going to find out by answering the phone or door to a debt collector.

Can I suggest giving your mum an ultimatum that either she tells him by a certain date or you will.

The situation can't get better until its out in the open. You also need to stop giving your mum money as it's effectively "enabling" her problem as they say in addiction problems.

Once it all comes out into the open you can introduce them to the positive steps that can be taken to get things back under control & if they don't like the thought of a face to face meeting with the CAB then there's always over the phone or online help available with Payplan/CCCS.

Good luck.

_shells_

Hi,

It has been a year and a half since I last posted. I thought perhaps the kind people that commented and offered help before might be interested to hear how things have turned out. I'd also like to offer the story as a warning to others.

I often used to log back in over the last 18 months to re-read what I posted and to read the kind replies. Unfortunately my parents' situation didn't ever improve. Thanks to the recession, my Dad has found it impossible to get work. Despite repeated warnings and numerous offers of help, my mum kept the whole thing to herself and promising that she was managing everything, until early last year when she had a breakdown and was signed off work with stress and depression. No need to guess the cause. She eventually went back to work a few months ago (simply because the sick pay ran out and she needed to pay those bills - which she was still refusing to acknowledge were an issue) BUT. she did tell my Dad everything. I thought perhaps this may be a turning point, but the issue still seemed to be the elephant in the room. Last week, I decided that enough was enough. The house is still falling to pieces, so I sat them down and said I would pay for the repairs (with a loan unfortunately but my partner and I could afford the repayments) IF they sorted their money out by going to the CAB and the bank etc. etc. as I did not want to put money into the house if they were on the verge of losing it/needing to sell it. A few home truths also came out which although harsh, needed to be said out loud. They agreed to everything and quotes were put together. It took a bit more encouragement, but eventually they say down yesterday to go through everything. I was on the verge of applying for the loan tonight when I heard from my Dad....

The short version, which is the only version I know because they won't tell me anymore until they have spoken to the relevant parties, is that they are in dire straits. They are on the verge of losing the house, and their credit card/bank debt is so high that I have no idea how it will even begin to get sorted. They have meetings with Nat West and the Citizen Advice Bureau on Thursday afternoon, and have said that they will speak to me at the weekend.

I urge anyone reading this that is in debt themselves or knows someone that is having trouble to see someone about it as soon as possible. I know this mantra is heard time and time again but it is true. Do you know what stopped my Mum doing it before? Pride. The thought that she would have to lay her life on the line in someone's office and admit that she had made a few mistakes. Now my parents will have to sit in even more offices and speak to even more people and try to explain to them why they waited until it was too late.

Thanks for listening.

niccatw

Thanks for posting back Shells. Poor you, it sounds as though you and your partner have been as supportive as you posibly could be in the circumstances. The chances are it's because of you that the situation isn't a whole lot worse!

My mum's view is "spend it while you've got it as you can't take it with you!" That's maybe ok if you've got it to spend - but not the best advice to pass onto your children!

Pride can be a horrible thing - I still get incredulous looks from my friends as I'm very open about the amount of debt I am in and what I am doing about it. Half of the reason is because it helps me stay on track - but it's also because I know a few of them are also in loads of debt and continuing to take out more and more. There's nothing I can do to stop this other than let them know where to go for help. They need to reach their own light bulb moments.

Well done for being such a lovely, caring daughter :A Try not to worry too much about your folks (easier said than done - I know!) and remember to make time for you and your partner together and not take on too much of other people's problems.

DVardysShadow

And the hardest lesson is not to throw good money after bad. If it is someone else's debt and they will not come clean about it, the truth whole truth and nothing but, then all you do is

• delay the day of reckoning
• delay the day they can start picking up the pieces
• throw your own money away, because there isnever anything left to show for it

It's hard, but taking on other people's debt rarely helps them. _shells_, I'm sorry to see it came to this.