Told Partner - not speaking now - my story.

liz_uk

So i declared all to my partner. I am not a regular on the DFW board, however I should be.

The state of my finances is horrific. I am just over £10k in debt. one loan (6.9% - £6975), two CC (both on 0% now till march 09).
All this on a £600 a month wage. (I`m a mum the rest of the time).

I am discusted with myself for getting in this mess. It`s not like I really have anything to show for it. I was spending beyond my means. Making sure my daughter had the best of everything, and then just luxuries...

Since transferring my balances, and having my LBM, the cards are gone and I`m now battling to pay it all off on my own.

My dad passed away the end of last year, leaving nearly £40k of debt on cards and loans. He was self employed and the stress of it must have worn him down, I really do not want to end up like that.

I was diagnosed with depression last month and I think some of it has to do with carrying this burden on my shoulders on my own for so long.

So i decided to tell my mum first, who was surprisingly understanding, then my partner, who has now been giving me the silent treatment for the last 2 days.

He has never been in debt in his life - does not have a credit card and was brought up very different to me in relation to money and the value of it (so he keeps reminding me).

I`m feeling at a very low ebb, and am questioning if I have done the right thing by telling him. Any comments appreciated.

mountainofdebt

I know exactly how you feel - hubby found out how much debt we were in a few weeks ago and his reaction was exactly the same as your OH.

To be honest I still feel worse than when I was the only one who knew the exact position and I'm not sure that I will ever feel better, even though relations seem to be improving with hubby......having said that he still comes out with the odd scarastic dig - perhaps its all part of the making her bad for keeping it a secret plan. (the truth of the matter I never hid the statements from him)

I don't really have any words of advice but if you do want to pm me then please feel free - perhaps we can get through this together.

bank_of_slate

Hi Liz and a huge welcome.
I was the same, hiding my debt from my hubby, when he found out I felt exactly the same and he was very quiet for a while.
He said it wasn't the amount, to be honest he wasn't even cross about that, it was the whole trust issue and he started to wonder what else I'd been dishonest about.
He'll come around but give him time.
what's done is done.
Please keep posting
...Linda xx

Kittikins

Oh sweetie, you have definitely done the right thing; whilst he's angry, upset, confused, ignorant of what and how you've got into debt and not been able to tell him, underneath it all, I really hope and believe that he will come round and you can work at this together.

You're going through a lot - being a mummy is blooming draining emotionally at times; the grief at the loss of your dad; the money worries. Having some counselling will probable help a lot - speaking to someone who's removed from the situation can be a huge help; it certainly got me through a sticky patch a couple of years ago.

Sending big hugs

Kittikins

poppyg_2

Hi Liz

I'm so sorry to hear that OH is upset with you, but I guess he's just trying to get his head round everything, sure he will come round soon enough

Are your finances kept separate from your hubby's or is the £10k effectively a joint debt? I was going to say you'd think OH would wonder where the luxuries and stuff for daughter was coming from but most men don't seem to think like that!!

It might help to post up an SOA with your incomings and outgoings so that people could keep advice

I kept my debt secret from OH for some time too and to a certain extent part of the debt is still a secret

Maybe part of your depression (and part of spending) was to do with the death of your dad, obviously I don't know over what sort of timescale the debts have been run up

liz_uk

His real bug bear is the fact I have nothing to show for it.

I think because I hadn`t gone out and blown it on a car - or have a gambling addiction .. or something equally horrifying.. he just doesn`t understand how it`s happenned. To be honest neither do i. It`s true what Martin says about the Debt Spiral.

We have been together for 11 years and It almost feels like the feeling that I`ve had an affair, and its just been discovered. I suppose I have - only with Credit cards !!

It`s going to take him a hell of a long time to trust me again, and thats what scares me.

RAS

Liz

It is amazing how many couples share a bed but do not share information about their finances/

It will take time for him to get over but there are a number of things you can do to demonstrate that you are actively dealing with it.

To be honest neither do i.

Like many of us, you have just been spendig but not budgetting so...


Start a Spending Diary, listing every little thing that you buy in a notebook. After a month, you will begin to see where the money is going.

Then ask OH to sit down with you and to work out your joint budget, so you can both see what is happening.

While you are getting together the information needed to budget, head over to the Money Saving Old Style forum and pick up some tips on reducing your expenditure.

And if you have been getting "my daughter had the best of everything, and then just luxuries... ", then you will have some stuff around that is no longer in use, if only clothes which she has outgrown. Time to e-bay, car boot or hit amazon. If you can start the tide turning, you will be surprised at how fast things will begin to move.

Bismarck

mountainofdebt wrote: »

I know exactly how you feel - hubby found out how much debt we were in a few weeks ago and his reaction was exactly the same as your OH.

To be honest I still feel worse than when I was the only one who knew the exact position and I'm not sure that I will ever feel better, even though relations seem to be improving with hubby......having said that he still comes out with the odd scarastic dig - perhaps its all part of the making her bad for keeping it a secret plan. (the truth of the matter I never hid the statements from him)

I don't really have any words of advice but if you do want to pm me then please feel free - perhaps we can get through this together.

Hi,

You will feel better over time - it just may not feel that way for a while. You're probably adjusting too...

bank_of_slate

Hi Liz, I felt EXACTLY the same, like a cheat!
Having spent nearly £36,000 between 4 credit cards, 2 loans to clear previous balances and a huge overdraft (He had NO idea!!!) I had barely a thing to show for it! Like an idiot I'd often used the cards to withdraw cash!:eek:
Try to show him what you're doing to rectify the situation but don't go overboard, my hubby said I was trying bit too hard sometimes after the initial 'storm', like I was trying to justify it and make lots of excuses to get back into the good books.
I think I just wanted everything to be ok again quickly but it takes time!
keep us posted
...Linda xx

Bismarck

" I`m feeling at a very low ebb, and am questioning if I have done the right thing by telling him. Any comments appreciated."

Having an affair is on a different level. That is something he may be secretly worried about!

You've done the right thing...it's just the shock that will need time to work its way through. You can now work on this together...take care.

liz_uk

Well I worked everything out and put it into my signature..

Actually surprised myself as I thought it was less that it is.

The next question is - how do I start paying this monster off.

I`ve only got 0% until March 09, and am already freaking out as to whats going to happen after that incase theres no more 0% deals around with the Credit crunch.

I`m going to have a mammoth ebay session, which may shift a couple of hundred..

Is there any other suggestions for making money??