Living with the inlaws - HELP

Princess_Jane

Hello everyone,

things aren't great at home and Im hoping you can help.

Me and my partner live in a house owned by my OH's parents.

We pay all the mortgage, bills etc and are in the process of redecorating.

They took the mortgage out after they sold their house and moved to France.

We couldn't get our own mortgage as my OH has a really bad credit history.

We agreed before we bought the house his parents could come and stay when they were in the UK.

They moved to France in March and have been back three times since, for a week each time.

I'm finding it soooo stressful, and we had a huge row tonight.

I came in to find the whole family - inlaws, sis, her daughter having tea.

No-one had told me, I'd done a 10hr day was hoping for a quiet night with my fella before I go away with work for a couple of days.

I got in tonight after my dance class and the house was a tip - kitchen filthy, food left out, dirty dishes.

The inlaws had decided to spend the night and again no-one had told me. Only realised when I went upstairs and I heard snoring!

Had it out with my OH and he says his folks complain I don't make them feel welcome as I come in late and go out again - swimming, dancing, my second job.

As a result they are going back to France early and might not come 'home' at Christmas, which they were planning on doing for three weeks.

He says I knew the deal and will have to learn to cope while they 'settle in'.

But I just want some time in our first-ever home to get to know each other properly.

I'm normally a tough, confident career girl, but I'm now crying over dirty plates.

My fella has a word with them every time we get an incident like this - dirty plates, their dog crapping in yard, feeding dog off dinner plates, huge phone bill - but I'm getting soooo tired.

Alex_of_Swansea

Hey Jane.
I can understand why you're feeling so upset. Having people in your house you didn't expect can be stressful. Did your OH know they were coming or did they just turn up? Maybe if you had more notice, then you could plan some time with them, and you could all do the dishes together. It seems that you haven't been able to have much time with you to know your standards.
Could you sort out communication so that you had more notice? Having you around might make them feel more welcome and allow you to set soem rules down while they're there in a calmer way.
Ax

kal25

Hi Jane, sorry to hear of yur situation. I agree with alex's response.
I would talk to your OH and just tell him it's not that u don't want them to come but if you get notice you would have know to expect them. I would also point out to him it is not unreasonable as it is 'your' home and not 'theirs' but if you had notice you culd have got tea ready or brought something nice in and been more willing to greet them when u came home from work.
hope u sort it
kal25

misswig

I would react exactly like you. Although they have taken out athe mortgage, YOU pay it so in effect you are renting the house from them so YOUR home. Not to mention presumably your furniture, appliances, crockery etc etc. Just because they took out the mortgage does not entitle them to treat you and your home with so little respect IMO

I

amandada

misswig wrote: »

I would react exactly like you. Although they have taken out athe mortgage, YOU pay it so in effect you are renting the house from them so YOUR home. Not to mention presumably your furniture, appliances, crockery etc etc. Just because they took out the mortgage does not entitle them to treat you and your home with so little respect IMO

I

I couldn't have put it better!
Do you have any sort of agreement about whose house it actually is? What was your and dh's understanding of how things would work when you started out with the arrangement.
As for not making them feel welcome, are you supposed to drop everything to be at their beck and call when they decide to descend upon you?

This kind of thing would reduce most people to tears-even if it's just through frustration

Princess_Jane

Thanks for your comments - I have been in Norway with work.

The inlaws leave tomm and things are still a bit frosty but I feel better for being away.

Mother-in-law has drank my wine, but has given OH money to replace it.

Also she has been ringing family in Canada, but pays the phonebill when it comes in, well, I pay it then take the difference off the mortgage payment.

They aren't back until September, and have booked three weeks in Portugal over Christmas - rather pointedly in front of us.

They aren't happy about not having Christmas dinner at our house, but luckily me and the OH are united on that one.

We did agree before we moved in that they could stay here when in the UK, but I never for a minute thought it would be a monthly visit!

I had to laugh at one point when me and OH were rowing - he said: "Because of you, I'm not going to see my parents for three months."

I pointed out he was a 30-year-old man with a girlfriend..well, long term partner, so perhaps this wasn't the end of the world.

softwaremad

my sister had the same problem as this when she had my mothers house - mum & sd would turn up and in essence use it like a hotel. really miffed my sister and her oh were i can tell you but they couldnt talk about it to mum as her attitude was its her house! sometimes its hard in this situation - once you get your dh credit rated sorted yu can transfer the mortgage into your names & im sure then that their attitude will change accordingly. Well done over xmas by the way i cant imagine anything worse than the inlaws staying for the 3 most stressful weeks of the year!

ailuro2

Have you got anything in writing as to what happens if you sell up and move to a one bedroom flat somewhere much cheaper?

Who is entitled to the profit etc? It sounds a bit precarious, do nothing on trust when it comes to money, even with family, it always makes it easier to sort things out if it's in writing and everyone knows where they stand when difficulties arise.

P.S. Have you tried having really noisy sex while they're there? On the sofa next to them is usually a big enough hint you're a young couple who need time to be by themselves!:p

Princess_Jane

ailuro2 wrote: »

Have you got anything in writing as to what happens if you sell up and move to a one bedroom flat somewhere much cheaper?

Who is entitled to the profit etc? It sounds a bit precarious, do nothing on trust when it comes to money, even with family, it always makes it easier to sort things out if it's in writing and everyone knows where they stand when difficulties arise.

P.S. Have you tried having really noisy sex while they're there? On the sofa next to them is usually a big enough hint you're a young couple who need time to be by themselves!:p

We have an agreement we have done ourselves but I've been recommended getting a declaration of interest drawn up by a solicitor.

The mortgage payments come out of my sole account to his 'rents account so that would be useful in the event of any disagreement.

Re the noisy sex, actually managed to break the bed with no hint taken.

They are pinning their hopes on me for a grandchild so they'll be egging it on I should say. eurgh!

daisychain80

i really feel for you i see the inlaws every few weeks BUT....oh works away during the week , in which his mother calls me 4 times a DAY!!!!!!!!!! just to check (up on me)im ok !! i could understand if he had just started to work away BUT...we have been together 8 years 5 of whuch he has worked away....soooooo glad she lives an hour away and dosn't drive.
feel better for that rant now..so i totally understand and cringed whilst reading your post! good luckxxx

lostinrates

You have my sympathy. We are curently living with my parents (DH works away weekdays, so on)ly weekends we are both here and in the past have had his family on and off for a while.

I am embarrassed to admit DH copes better with my family than I do with his.

I am TRYING to see it as a challenge in personal development and becoming the calm and moral person I want to be (but this fails daily!). I think at times like this you have to sit down and count your blessings (eg you would have the house without them, and I bet it feels GREAT the day after they leave!) and then work out a way to make it work. I thinka minimum of 72 hours notice is absolutey fair of you to require. I'd try and chill about the wine and the dog and get you OH to take responsibilty for their mess while they are there. Also, if they are coming home monthly I wonder how well things are going for them in France, are you sure the house isue will not turn nasty if it fails for them there?

Incidently, if they really want to be 'home' for christmas maybe you could take the holiday?