To split or not to split ?????

TotallyBroke

This is the big question.... I am 50 50 at the moment and would like your opinions.

A brief history, 2006 met a man fell pregnant instantly! He decided to give up sh*tty job that he had travelling and come and live with me and baby in 2007. Has good job and is not shy of work wages are quite good. The problem...(as some of my posts will show) GAMBLING. Not just withdrawing cash and going to bookies or bingo halls but is now doing it online.

My credit rating is rubbish but in the last year I've made a start to put it right. OH doesn't have a bank account as there are no bills in his name (I've not transfered one over to him because if I ask him to leave then what?) so his wages get put into mine. He has spent £1,000s in the last couple of months. Both of our end of year bonuses and now a quarter of our wage has gone and we only got paid on Monday. A lot of the emails he gets from the gambling companies say Hi ****** (my name) so he opens the accounts in my name and is using my card details. I wanted to get another card issued but have been told on here that sometimes bank will just move payments from one card to another so that won't work. A new bank account is not possible for me as I have a ccj so no-one will touch me.
He has set up a 'verified by visa' account and 'moneybookers' account in my name and I don't know account names and passwords to cancel them. He can do everything that I can as he knows my name, address, d.o.b, mother's maiden name.
I've asked, I've begged and pleaded for him to stop and he tells me he will delete everything. Then a couple of days later more money gone.

I love him and don't really want him to go but I can't keep doing this. I don't know any of his passwords to the sites so can't delete the accounts myself and then change the details of my cards etc.

I've worked out I could just about afford to keep the payments on everything myself once I've got my bank balance back to zero and not minus each month. But I'm going to struggle for a long while first. If I asked him to go.

I suppose what I'm asking is... if it was happening to you what would you do?

ymcas

Can't you just explain the problem to the bank, change all security details and go through direct debits etc and stop all ones which are not your bills. Depending on if you think there is a chance your other half will take all the money in your joint account and run... possibly wait until after you have done this to tell him. Then say that you love him but can't see a future together if he keeps spending your money on gambling. Get him to get his own bank account, sit down and work a budget for the household bills, agree how much he should pay and either keep his money coming into your account and transfer the remainder to his, or the other way round. IMO this would give you the best chance of repairing the relationship without risking your financial wellbeing.

floss2

You need to urgently take all your cash out & change your bank account details - contact your bank & tell them to immediately stop all access to this account, and then set up another account with them. You might have to go & speak to your bank manager in person to sort this out, but hopefully you can break the cycle. Maybe reporting your card as stolen would work?

Also, contact http://www.gamanon.org.uk/ for support & advice.

Teterow

Isn't setting up accounts in someone elses names effectivly fraud?

count_rostov

I usually think that all sorts of compromises should be made to stay to keep a relationship together if you have a child. However, and there's no gentle way to say this, it sounds like you're being completely taken advantage of. You need to think very carefully about whether you want to live you life like this. As you say, you need to get on an even keel financially so that you are in a position to make a fair and rational choice about your and your baby's future.
Could you explain to your bank what's happening and ask them to open up a second account and close the first one? Your card details etc would be different. Then you could withdraw cash for him weekly to cover his earnings after bills and rent have been paid, and DON'T let him have access to your account. This will give you a chance to build up a nest egg in secret if you decide to leave him.
I would get in contact with the betting companies and explain that accounts have been set up in your name by a family member. I would have thought that this happens quite a lot to relatives of compulsive gamblers and the major bookmakers have procedures to deal with it. Although, this does constitute fraud so they may want to involve the police...
Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best of luck. You're in a very difficult position and I hope things work out.
xx

nzmegs

What he has done is against the law and I think you most likely realise that he needs a shock to stop him doing this. I would suggest calling the police....I know it sounds really harsh but I have several memebers of my family who have been addicted to gambling and the only time they stopped was when they reached rock bottom - when they were going to lose their homes and their wives. you may be able to bring this to an end before he gets to that stage.
If you move your money to another account etc do you really think he will actually stop? He will always find a way of getting access to either your money or someone elses. He has already shown he is willing to break the law.
Gambling can completely take over a persons life, but don't become a victim yourself. Do what is right for you and your child.

r.mac_2

At the very least, please contact your bank and change all your security details. Explain the problem and hopefully they will be helpful.

Have you a credit card? do you need this? Cut it up if you can live without (and cancel it/put a stop on it if you think your OH has memorised the number).

Get an account of your own and don't tell oh about it. build yourself a get out fund if you think there is a chance you will leave.

explain to OH that you can't live like this. abandon your joint account - write to the bank and request that your name be taken off the account (or vice-versa if you are sure you can't move banks). Set out a budget for what you need from your OH towards bills. Ask him for that amount each month. That way he can't spend your money.

BUT this doesn't totally solve the problem. Encourage him to put limits on his accounts - the forums elsewhere on here can help him with that. Encourage him to speak to the gamblers helpline (can't remember what they are called I'm afraid -I'm sure someone else will).

Importantly explain to your OH how you feel and try and keep communications open. Good luck x

pinkshoes

I would go to your bank IMMEDIATELY! Do it tomorrow, and explain the situation to them, and see if they can change the account number and details.

Next, tell your boyfriend what you have done, and tell him that you are fed up of him gambling all your hard earned cash away, so he has to choose between you and the gambling.

If he chooses you, then you will give him pocket money every monday in cash, and that's his money for a week. Agree the amount between the two of you.

If he doesn't agree to this and chooses gambling, then tell him it's over. he MUST agree to the above, otherwise he's not going to stop. Perhaps even consider cancelling your internet connection.

hustle90

For all the people that said it's illegal and fraud, yes you're right, but how many of you can admit to never breaking the law in your life, however that is not the point.

Gambling is a spiral and it's hard to get out of. You need to ring your bank and cancel the card AND ALSO change the account number/sort code as MoneyBookers registers the account number and sort code as well as the card number etc.

Tell your partner to get his own bank account and that way he can blow his own money after he has given you some money towards the bills. If he refuses, point to the door.

TotallyBroke

I'd like to thank you all. I was expecting everyone to say "kick the b***ard out" but you havn't. You've all offered a kind of compromise, solution or advice. So thanks.

Compromise seems to be my middle name as I let him have what he wants. If he wants to go away for the weekend on a hobby trip I always find the money for him to go. Well this trip he wants to Scotland will not happen I am not giving him the money for it.
We have got him a tuxedo card and we have agreed to put in £100 on payday for him to gamble with if he chooses. I've also said that at the end of the month before next payday. I will give him half of whatever we have left to do what he wants with. That's not going to happen for a long time though. Since the 28th April £895 :eek: has come out of the account. :mad: So again I am going to go over my overdraft limit.

The problem I have with opening another account (even with same bank) is I don't think they will give me an account with an overdraft. As you can imagine I'm going to need it plus go over for the next few months until I can claw that money back. But I will talk to someone either tomorrow or next week when I'm off work.

I am going to get a new card issued and have it sent to local branch so I could pick it up in person then give it to my sister to hold for me (he gets to the post before I do so having it delivered to home would defeat the object). We work together so I could get cash out each day to do shopping etc. then card would never be in my possession so I wouldn't even know the number.

He is not working to night so it's going to be serious talk time. I think I will highlight all his gambling from bank statements and add it up and tell him the total figure. It sounds scary already writing this. I bet we couldv'e bought a new car by now, I know we wouldn't be in so much debt.

I don't want to get the police involved surely he could go to jail. Then what? How do I explain that to my son? Mummy put Daddy in prison. I don't want that guilt, I have enough on my shoulders as it is. The thought of that has made me cry.

londonlass001

Hi there,

had to post as was in almost the same situation as you although thank god we didn't have a child. My ex was doing more or less the same and it still amazes me the lengths he went to to keep what he was doing from me so he could continue gambling

I spoke to Gamcare www.gamcare.org.uk/ who are fab and can offer you both support. I would just add that even though he might agree to get support, you probably realise that the desperate need to keep the addiction going might mean that he lies about whether he is getting support or not.

You need to think about managing his access to money, particularly money that is in your accounts. Hide cards if you have to and don't get complacent as my ex found my credit card and used them when I was away to gamble with. I didn't go to the police and he is slowly paying me back but as with you, the debt is in my name so it's really worrying.

Consider password protecting your computer if you don't want to get the internet access cut off and you can also get blocks for gambling sites (I think the Gamcare forum has more info on this).

Gambling is a horrible problem to have for both you and your partner and I felt that i had to treat my ex like a child who couldn't be trusted. It destroys trust and made me incredibly suspicious which is just not me. I'm sure your partner feels pretty crap too? Maybe think about getting some couple counselling to see whether you can salvage your relationship?

Be strong, I know it's hard but you can do it,

Good luck