Second property

maypole

Cacran wrote: »

Thanks for the advice.
Yes ,she has looked at these but there is nothing really suitable at present. I have spoken to her about lots of options but she is afraid that if she doesn't get anywhere fairly decent that she can feel happy in, she will get depressed and may go back to the guy. I know it sounds strange but she did this before, you see. He is the sort of person who convinces her he has changed and she still carries a torch for him but is slowly seeing the light. She is strong willed and although she is having an impossible time at the moment, she has to make her own mind up. He has run up a 10 grand debt in her name to keep up his lifestyle going, now she says he only pays the interest back, which is a lot but does not get the debt down at all. We are at our wits end trying to help her but we could not bear to pay off this money that he has spent, while we live a modest lifestyle. He gets his way by being violent towards her.

While she is in this situation with him, I would suggest never giving her money. He sounds very controlling.

Cacran

Hi Ed Investor. Yes I have given myself a good talking to and decided that we need to not get involved until she has sorted herself out. It is so hard when your children get themselves into a mess but in actual fact she is grown up and should have used her head more. Thankyou for your advice which has made me think more clearly.

Cacran

chesky369 wrote: »

This is a problem that in the end, only your daughter can solve. The two major problems she has are (a) his violence and (b) his stealing money from her - which is really what it is.

Perhaps she should think of having some kind of psychological counselling, to prove to herself that she is worthy of a better life. It's only when she has this kind of self-worth that she will be able to deal with her situation. All you can really do is keep telling her that you will stand by her if she needs you.

I can see that this is what needs to happen, Thankyou.

Cacran

Errata wrote: »

This must be worrying you to death, it's an awful situation.
The difficulty may be that with such a large amount of debt and only the interest on it being paid her credit rating must be too awful to contemplate. If this is the case she may experience great difficulty finding somewhere to rent, or share, becuase of landlord's credit checks.

You do have a point there but she had the debt before she got her last flat and I assume they must have done a credit check then. I don't know what her credit rating is. She says her BF pays the basic amount asked of him each month on her loan and that it pays off non of the outstanding loan. she says that it is on credit cards and with the interest so high the actual amount he owes does not reduce.

I think this debt built up because her BF was trying to be a 'credit card tart'
but was not sensible enough to control it. He was 19 when he started using his own cards, kept transferring them to 0% interest accounts then when he had been through the ones that accepted him he begged my daughter to let him get one in her name as she had none. She didn't know what a mess he was in as he made out to her that he earned big money, believe it or not, he works in finance/insurance. He portrayed to her right from the start that money was not a problem. He is an only child and his parents are comfortable and professional people. The BF is very arrogant and thinks he is clever, the type who looks down on people. Lives a false life really. Anyway, he started shifting the debt in her name then until it got too much for him. But in the meantime got a car loan in her name too as his car was worse than hers and he couldn't hack that. I can't tell you what I would like to do to him. We told and told her that he was a wrong one, that things he said did not add up. His parents know what he is doing but don't seem to be able to find the right time to deal with him. Maybe thats been his problem. He is a very angry guy.
We are worried sick.

missile

Obviously you can't live your daughters life for her but I think you would be better getting a property as far away as possible from this guy.

In the present market and with your daughters track record, I would suggest you rent, perhaps a two bed. You could sub-let one to offset cost and perhaps more importantly your daughter might like the company and not miss BF as much.

EdInvestor

Thanks 7DWE, you've confirmed what I thought.

Cacran:

What is the situation with the current flat? Is it owned (by whom) or rented?In whose name(s)?

Could you suggest that daughter comes back to stay with you for a specific determined period (eg 6 months) to enable her to sort all this out? Or does she perhaps think that she would be too easy to find at your home if she was trying to split with the boyfriend?

What kind of work/career does she have? If the guy is very oppressive and she doesn't feel tied to property or job, it may be more sensible for her to "do a geographical" - scoot off overseas for a while to close the relationship down once and for all.

chesky369

I think your daughter sounds as though she needs some financial advice herself - she may find herself in trouble with regard to these debts, even though it's not her fault. Get her to go to her local citizens' advice bureau or local law centre.

If it's any consolation, I had a similar problem with my daughter and her partner, who was a useless layabout who lived off her, didn't work, didn't do anything in the home, but the situation was complicated by the fact she had two children. In the end, she had enough and removed herself and her kids from the situation. He went home to Mother (and is still there four years later). You have to let them do things in their own time and it's the hardest thing possible, watching from the sidelines.

Cacran

Ed Investor - The flat is rented in both names. She says it is now on a month by month basis.
My daughter is a leading Nursery Nurse and is very happy in her job and has a circle of friends. she doesn't want to lose either. She gave up her last post to move to where he wanted and thus lost contact with her last workmates and friends. She has built up what she has now and her friends and the Nursery owner are very supportive and now know of her predicament. I have an agreement with the nursery owner, to keep me informed if anything untowards happens. My daughter doesn't know this. At the nursery they care a lot for her, she is very dedicated to her job and is working towards and Open Uni degree in child care. How she keeps up with it all, I don't know, considering what is going on.
I do not feel that she needs to get geographically away from the guy as he wouldn't dare to seek her out if she didn't want it, we would have him arrested and as we did it before, he would this time, be in trouble.
she does need to be away from this guy menatally, and only she can do that.
I have to say that she must take some of the blame for letting it go on in the first place. She was so desparate to hold on to the relationship that she must have burried her head in the sand. Sometiomes I understand why and sometimes not as it is not the way she has been brought up. Sometimes they seem to do the opposite of what the parents do, I think.
I am grateful for your help.

EdInvestor

Cacran wrote: »

I do not feel that she needs to get geographically away from the guy as he wouldn't dare to seek her out if she didn't want it, we would have him arrested and as we did it before, he would this time, be in trouble.
she does need to be away from this guy menatally, and only she can do that.

That does seem very true.In which case, you will just have to wait and let her get to the point where she has her 'lightbulb moment".

At least she is sorting out the rest of her life very satisfactorily so she is well set up when she finally decides to give this chap the boot.

Cacran

Thanks Ed, again.