Innocent victim of hidden debt

Bargainfinder_3

Hi
I have been married for nearly 2 years, to a guy who I respected highly, especially as he was in control of his money and we worked together to live a managable lifestyle. I have always spent money when I don't have it, a bad idea I know! However, never more than £300 at a time, on something like a holiday, a television etc, and I have always paid it back from my wages within 3 - 4 months of borrowing. I have 1 credit card, which I use for emergencies, a £200 overdraft and an Argos card.
I was under the impression my husband was slightly more in debt than I was, about £1500 in his overdraft. We made the decision to renovate our bathroom, which cost us £2000 that we didn't have. I had never spent that amount of money before, however over the last 11 months, I have been paying into his account, £100 a month to pay off the credit card. By my calculations it should now be about £1000.

Yesterday I opened a statement from that Credit card, and found it had a balance of £3000. When I confronted my husband, I found he not only had this credit card, but two others, one a balance of £5500 and another with a balance of £1300, and a loan of £75000+high interest.

I feel like my life has fallen apart in some ways. Although I have a theoretical knowledge of how to deal with debt, I have never thought I would have to apply it to my life. Although it is his debt, we own our flat jointly, and as his spending has spiralled out of control, it is my life that would have been affected had he failed to pay the mortgage, the electric.

I'm not sure this post is even in the right place - but I would like to ask for 2 things.
1) A board for those who are innocent victims. Has your partner lumbered you with their debt? Do you need to talk about how it made you feel? Do you want to give the relationship a chance, but need practical advice and support as to how to support someone in debt without shouldering the responsibility?
2) A point of view from those of you out there who hid your debt from your partner. Why? When did it start? Are there good reasons for hiding something of this magnitude?

I cant be judgemental of anyone who is in debt, because I know how easy it is to spiral out of control. However to find it under my own roof has shocked and upset me, and I would love to know if there are any others out there who have been through the same thing and come through it.

Thanks

Idiophreak

Bargainfinder wrote: »

Yesterday I opened a statement from that Credit card, and found it had a balance of £3000. When I confronted my husband, I found he not only had this credit card, but two others, one a balance of £5500 and another with a balance of £1300, and a loan of £75000+high interest.

Is this a typo??

In any case, do you mind if I ask what he's been spending the money on? It's always amazin that people can get into so much debt without their partners realising...

malestrom07

The first thing they ask you when you call CCCS is, "if you have a partner, is your partner aware of your problems" there's an awful lot of this about. However, I'm always amazed that people don't see their partners are spending way beyond their means.

saffronflowers

You are definatley not alone - and you have found a board that will support you through and if you so choose your husband as well. Take a deep breath make a cup of tea (or something stronger!!!). When you feel stong enough you need to sit down with your partner and go through everything and write it all down - it is worth doing the budget planner on here - I will put the link up when I get back from the school run.

You have every rite to feel upset and hurt but please baer in mind the better or worse bit - and things are easier when they are shared. I know your frustration as my OH is a bit of an !!!!! with money but everyone here will help you get through this.

Big hug

SFx

compulsivespender79

I hid my debt from my boyfriend. Why? Because I was terrified of losing him. Because I didn't want to burden him with what I saw as my problem. Because I didn't want to be judged. Because I didn't want him to offer to bail me out.
I told him about two months after it started to go bad. As it turned out, I didn't lose him, and he didn't judge me. He did, however, want to bail me out. And that made me feel guilty - did he think that was why I told him?
It's difficult to come clean about something like this, because you know the instant you do, some of the trust evaporates.
Telling him was the hardest thing I've ever done. I'm not going to make excuses for you OH, but he will have (what he feels are) genuine reasons for not telling you.
On the other hand, I'm also interested to know how he's managed to spend nearly £90,000 without you becoming suspicious. It was difficult enough keeping the spending on a £2000 credit card under wraps.

moneypanicker

I was in a similar situation about 2 years ago, I accidently opened mail for my husband thinking it was mine, it was a warning notice for a bill of nearly £6000! I confronted him and he said this was the only one only 2 weeks later another suspicious bill arrived which i opened (on purpose this time) for a bill for £300 (not too bad!)

I was not upset about the money but about the secrecy and lies. We have paid it all off although i am having some difficulties trusting him with money although we are getting there!

Another thing I didn't understand was that the loan was from before we were married they didn't ask for any money so most of the £6000 was interest, however my husband claimed he forgot!!!!! How can you forget you owe money!!

I hope you realise you are not the only one in this situation it does get easier! x

Kevicho

I think you need to be supportive and understanding in this time, some people are better with money than others, but i think if you treat him negatively now then the truth of the spending and the plan to sort the mess will not materialise.

Relationships arent just about money, but I know how you feel about the secrecy but i can imagine you finding out will have a burdon lifted for him in a weird kind of way.

Cleosmum

My now ex husband hid the fact he wasnt paying the joint mortgage. He got up really early and took letters that were addressed to me so that I wouldnt find out, I only found out when someone from collections at the bank rang to find out what was happening. I was devastated, mostly that he hadnt spoken to me about any of it. We ended up selling the house just before repossession and coming out of it £15,000 better off and with a long term let, but the damage was done and we eventually parted about 3 years later.

Talk lots, take charge and make a plan, hopefully he will get swept up in it

ellissa

I truly feel for you bargainfinder. When I met my now fiance I was unaware of his debt as it was so early in the relationship, although I must say that he did not lie to me it was just a subject that we never approached. After about 6 months of being together we discussed finances and it came to light that he had debt but even he did not know how much. He was already seeing a debt advisor and so all interest had been frozen but he wasn't paying any off.

Later we met with the adviser and found it totalled £22K ish. This appauled me. I have been brought up to believe that debt is something you just don't get into, I certainly couldn't tell my family. In fact, I was slightly judgemental of him. However, I helped him to begin to manage it and I have to say it was an education for me. I understand now how easy it is to get into debt and how awful some financial companies can be - they just don't know when to stop giving you 'free' cash! I am no longer judgemental.

To finish my story, two years later we have both worked hard to reshape his finances - though he has made most of the payments himself with the exception of a small loan from me which he will pay back. He is not out of the woods yet but he is nearly there and we will get married when he is debt free.

I agree it feels unforgivable that your husband should keep such a thing from you but what he needs now is support and help to find the motivation to accept the situation, take responsibility for it, stop it from becoming worse, take steps to begin to make changes and put things right. I am not at all saying you should tell him what he has done is ok, cos it's not but bear in mind he's probably not feeling that fab about it himself. Don't see it as the end of the world, view it as a set back and something you can overcome - if you wish to, that is.

We're doing just that. I'll be honest, I didn't think that I could continue with things back then knowing his financial situation but my feelings for him overcame this and hopefully we will one day have our happy ending dream wedding. I hope that you can feel comforted by the fact that there are others out there who have been in similar situations.

xxxExxx

PS my fiance thinks I should change my signature from 'we can't get married until we're debt free' to 'I will not marry my fiance til he's debt free'! lol

Bargainfinder_3

compulsivespender79 wrote: »

I hid my debt from my boyfriend. Why? Because I was terrified of losing him. Because I didn't want to burden him with what I saw as my problem. Because I didn't want to be judged. Because I didn't want him to offer to bail me out.
I told him about two months after it started to go bad. As it turned out, I didn't lose him, and he didn't judge me. He did, however, want to bail me out. And that made me feel guilty - did he think that was why I told him?
It's difficult to come clean about something like this, because you know the instant you do, some of the trust evaporates.
Telling him was the hardest thing I've ever done. I'm not going to make excuses for you OH, but he will have (what he feels are) genuine reasons for not telling you.
On the other hand, I'm also interested to know how he's managed to spend nearly £90,000 without you becoming suspicious. It was difficult enough keeping the spending on a £2000 credit card under wraps.

Hi all,
I'm so sorry, I originally posted on a different thread, and forgot to set myself up for notifications of things being posted here.

In my rush to post initially, I did make a typo - it was only £7500 - although the thought that now I would be saying 'only' (!!!) amazes me, as it seemed insurmountable at the time.

Thanks for your above post compulsive spender, I think it did help me to realise that he only hid it from me because he loved me, and he spent half of it trying to keep me happy.
I guess I never got suspicious,because he never let me in on the finances. He was determined to pay all the bills etc etc, and keep me happy.
I was naeive I suppose, but at the same time, happy to let him take control.

I have wised up - and to be honest our outgoings shocked me to the core - I am young, and honestly didn't realise how much things cost, I was suddenly thrown into a world of Council Tax, high electric bills, OH commutes, so we spend nearly £300 a month on petrol!!!

We have worked out a budget, and now have a plan to pay off his £18k debt by June 2009... yay. It does give me a sick feeling to think that if we had been sensible, we could have saved that much in a year... however focusing on the positive, at least we are honest with each other now, and this has made us think seriously about finances. It has also made us proactive about moving house, which we have been wanting to do for the past year.

Many many thanks for all your replies, and I'm so sorry if you thought I was ignoring you!

Bargain finder xx

Broken_hearted

Hugs. You are a much nicer person than me when I realised how much debt we had I tore shreads off DH and I do blame people for getting themselves into debt. Its taken me more years and tears than I care to admit to get our family back on its feet and to look to the future again.
I find setting targets and joining in challenges helps keep me positive and makes the debt go down faster than it would if I did it alone. DH doesn't get anywhere near the budget sheets but has his own spending money so he doesn't have to ask for things. Good luck for the future, some things are worth more than money.