Bad attitude to money.....

nesssie1702

I'm on the verge of pulling my hair out and that wouldn't be a pretty sight.

My OHs attitude money is driving me to despair and it's getting to the stage that it's keeping me awake at nights :mad: I'm the born worrier in the relationship

They're of the opinion that it's easy come easy go and there's nothing wrong with putting it on the credit card and worrying about it later. This attitude stems from having lost a parent relatively young and then the other one when in mid-20s. Think that parent left made up for that by spending lots of money and didn't instill the attitude of save before you buy for something. Fine, but I'm at the other end of the spectrum and would much prefer to have saved up for something and know that I've got the money to pay for it when the CC bill comes in.

We've been together for nearly 10 years, so I guess that I should know all about it by now, but I keep thinking that I can change the attitude, but it's not happening.

Luckily we've no kids, so it's just the pair of us. We've been in debt as a result of CC spending in the past to the tune of c £9K and it was only when we sold our property and moved on that we cleared the debt. We've done that twice now and current circumstances won't let that happen again. So, there's no pot of money to dip into and OH must think that there's a money tree in the garden.

Most recent example, I (mistakenly, I know!) thought that the last CC bill would be £0 - however I was shocked to find that there was over £300 on it, all down to OH spending, all essential stuff you understand and it was a case of having to have it there and then. Fair enough, you've spent it, you can pay for it, so when pay goes into the bank and all the outgoings come off there will only be £80 left once the CC bill is paid - and I'm the one that's bad as a result of it.

We're meant to be going on holiday this summer and I'm sick at the thought of how we're going to pay for it, as any money I save seems to be spent on trying to keep us debt free.

Likewise, if we get hit with a bill for something, eg car there's no money in the pot to pay for it.....

Any advice or words of wisdom, please

arthur_dent_2

Congratulations on being strong willed enough to be keeping your family debt free. If money has been used as an emotional walking stick, then you are going tohave a real problem changing his attitude. Presuming you have had the inevitable we can't go on like this discussion, I am afraid there may be little that you can do. Managing finances is never easy and hubby and I barely go a day without some kind of money worry or new debt surfacing. (Today was a new car battery being needed.)

I just want to say that you appear to be thinking and doing the right thing, which is never easy. Carry on with the great work and try again to talk to your OH about not spending money you don't have.

bluebell13

Hi. I've no words of advice as I am in exactly the same position! OH has always been terrible with money and has lied to me to cover up spending on credit cards etc. Had a big bust up about it all about 3 weeks ago when I found out he has built up another one. This time I have distanced myself from the debt instead of using my savings to bale him out. He has realised it is up to him to do overtime to pay it off. My big fear is that life will always be like this.

All the best and will be reading your thread with interest.

fay144

I don't really have any advice for changing your OHs attitude - not sure that's really possible - but it sounds like you could do with sitting down and working out a budget together? You can work out how much car bills will be per year, for example, and split it down so you are saving towards it every month. Same with the holiday and other irregular bills. (think there is a budget spreadsheet on this site somewhere with things like that on it)

If it turns out that you don't have enough to cover everything, then it will be clear to him that something needs to give. However, if you have money left over each month, then you could discuss what should happen to it. i.e. would you be happy to split it in half, and each spend/save your own share as you want? You may not change his attitude, but if you both agree a plan together then he is more likely to stick to it.

Tracy_E_A

Cant you cut up the cards?

Oldernotwiser

Tracy_E_A wrote: »

Cant you cut up the cards?

I assumed that the OP had married an adult but if, in fact, he's a child this might work!:D

Seriously, life's a compromise and relationships even more so. Most members here will be of your persuasion (after all it is MSE) but that's not the only point of view. Illness and early deaths can make saving seem pointless and living for today a better bet. I agree that you need to sit down and talk but not just so that you can convince him you're right. You need to find a way of managing your finances together that is flexible enough to suit you both.

dumpy

Do you have any joint accounts? If so, I would close them down and manage your finances seperately. It takes the worry off you as an individual that you will be liable for their debts.

You cannot make someone decide to manage their money. If they don't want to they won't but you can detatch yourself from the situation and the worry. Knowing that you are not financially linked can help.

Been there got the T shirt!

thinkginge

i second dumpys opinion, if cc cards are in both names, get them separated to prove your point, also if an unexpected bill comes in like car repair bill, you split the cost

Tracy_E_A

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

I assumed that the OP had married an adult but if, in fact, he's a child this might work!:D

Haha, sure, maybe he should start acting like a adult and stop expecting his wife to bail him out all the time. If my husband did that to me continuisly i would go into his wallet and cut the card up. But thats just me
After doing so well with sorting out all the finaccess i am sure OP doesnt want to go through the sleepless night and worry again.
I am selling my house and paying of money we owe and if i found out my husband then went out and undid all we had fixed i would not find it easy to forgive him after all the talking, planning, sorting and promises that have been made.

Oldernotwiser

But she doesn't say that OH expects her to bail him out; she just does so! Separate finances are needed to avoid conflict if a compromise can't be reached.

Imagine if your OH cut up your cards when you bought something s/he didn't approve of; I bet you'd be really chuffed! You can't just say that managing money well is being adult and managing badly is childish; they're two different attitudes and neither is more right than the other.

Tracy_E_A

As i said "but thats me" with a smile
I have 2 children and need to know how much i have each week and i would be awfully upset if my husband did that.

I dont have a credit card, neither does my husband.

It was a light hearted comment, i didnt actually expect OP to do it.

Good luck talking to your husband OP, i hope you can sort it out.