Worried About Fiancee's Debt?

Legacy_user

I have been living with my better half for about 10 years so she may as well be my wife but I'm a bit worried about her debt.

At present I pay for food,electricty,phone,oil heating,sky,TV lisence, and her debts which amount to about £6-7k infact I pay for almost everything.

She pays for her half of the rent and items for the children I.E nappies and the rest + the car and fuel as I can't drive why should I pay?

I'm the main earner and pay for almost everything but I can't afford anymore, but for all she has to pay she is now 5 months in arrears with the car, I have to lend (Give) her money for the rent. Yes she works but shes caught in the benefit trap meaning if she works anymore she will be worse off.

The car is actually her brothers, he got it put through in his name as she couldn't get credit so she pays him.

When I get at her about the rent and the car etc she doesn't listen and falls out with me, Her problem is she has a massive family and there is always someone getting married/having a baby/birthday etc, this eats her pay.

I'm really at a loss as to what to do, Do I pay for everything she can't afford to pay? Or how do I handle this, I feel guilty about her debt to the brother, but she doesn't seem to.

What do I do?

ciarasdreams

I am really not sure what you can do to help her at all until she is actually ready to see herself that there is a problem but somebody far more knowledgeable will be along soon who can give you far more constructive advice.

Conor_3

nirelandguy wrote: »

I'm really at a loss as to what to do, Do I pay for everything she can't afford to pay? Or how do I handle this, I feel guilty about her debt to the brother, but she doesn't seem to.

What do I do?

I'm sorry, I was under the mistaken assumption that you were living together as a couple with kids? You're supposed to work as a team. And yes, that means you paying for everything that she can't afford to pay.

You should be seeing all the debts as belonging to both of you because I bet you damned well benefitted from them. For example, how many times has she taken you somewhere in the car instead of telling you to get a taxi/bus? Likewise with the income. They should be household debts/income, not "this mine, this is yours."

What do you do? Start acting like a someone who has a bloody family. Been living together so long she might as well be your wife? You have a funny idea of what a family is with comments like "lend her her half of the rent". I've never heard anything so pathetic.

System

Conor wrote: »

I'm sorry, I was under the mistaken assumption that you were living together as a couple with kids? You're supposed to work as a team. And yes, that means you paying for everything that she can't afford to pay.

You should be seeing all the debts as belonging to both of you because I bet you damned well benefitted from them. For example, how many times has she taken you somewhere in the car instead of telling you to get a taxi/bus? Likewise with the income. They should be household debts/income, not "this mine, this is yours."

What do you do? Start acting like a someone who has a bloody family instead of a selfish !!!!.

Thats the way I was brought up my parents they did it that way also, The prime reason I have never learned to drive is because I couldn't afford a car, Why should I pay for a car I am hardly ever in, Yes thats correct hardly ever in because I walk 90% of place, and I think i'm doing her a big favour paying bills for the like of Next, Littlewoods etc all of which are from before we got together,

But maybe I've got it wrong, Yes we are a team 50/50 Not 90/10

rayday2

YOu have lived with a woman 10 years and still think everything should be half and half. I take it seeing as a child has nappies that it is yours and you still don't feel you should support this woman!

I am at a loss no wonder she shouts when you talk, My husband is a husband of 5 years, taken two children not his on and we have one of our own and he asks me if there is enough money for petrol!

Grow up and be a father and a partner to be proud of!

System

I will phrase it better I have no more money to pay anything more even if I wanted to, and any increase in income with make us worse off

rayday2

So together you have a joint problem, in that case you should post a joint income and expenditure and we can see where you are going wrong. Your first post came accross as very arrogant and very much blaming your partner. It is important for you to realise that had she not had your child/ren then she could probably equal your income.

MrsTinks

Firstly everyone...

PLEASE BE NICE TO ALL MONEYSAVERS!

nireleandguy - I think you and your girlfriend need to sit down and work out some priorities... Do a full SOA (see the post by Southernscouser at the top of the forum) so we can see if there is anything you can cut back on.
You both need to work as a team and not worry about the "who spent what where and why" - you have children together I guess? So you have made the ultimate choice of partnership - that means you should be able to do it for this too surely?
There are possibilities like DMPs and IVAs that you might want to explore but a full SOA really would help give better advice!

tallyhoh

Hi,
I think the above post from Tine is good advice.

I am a bit puzzled though reading your remark about your partner being stuck in the benefit trap? Do you not claim benefits as a couple? Or do you allow her to keep all the money that you get.

I think if you put your SOA on here it might make things a bit clearer & people might understand & not judge so quickly.

KellsBells

Oooh I'm not going to jump on the bandwagon and attack you, but I would say that I find it peculiar that you partner of 10 years needs to pay half of the rent. In my personal opinion, the day you moved in together is the day that all of your finances became joint. Why not set up a joint bank account, for both of your wages, out of which comes all of yours bills.
If you find that you run out of money before everything is paid, then you are living beyond youe means and you really need to look at reducing your bills.
I hope that you overhaul your finances, and please, don't look at it as you are gaining all of the debts, but more that you are reducing all of your debts for the sake of your children. good luck.x

carrottopsuk

nirelandguy wrote: »

I have been living with my better half for about 10 years so she may as well be my wife but I'm a bit worried about her debt.

At present I pay for food,electricty,phone,oil heating,sky,TV lisence, and her debts which amount to about £6-7k infact I pay for almost everything.

She pays for her half of the rent and items for the children I.E nappies and the rest + the car and fuel as I can't drive why should I pay?

I'm the main earner and pay for almost everything but I can't afford anymore, but for all she has to pay she is now 5 months in arrears with the car, I have to lend (Give) her money for the rent. Yes she works but shes caught in the benefit trap meaning if she works anymore she will be worse off.

The car is actually her brothers, he got it put through in his name as she couldn't get credit so she pays him.

When I get at her about the rent and the car etc she doesn't listen and falls out with me, Her problem is she has a massive family and there is always someone getting married/having a baby/birthday etc, this eats her pay.

I'm really at a loss as to what to do, Do I pay for everything she can't afford to pay? Or how do I handle this, I feel guilty about her debt to the brother, but she doesn't seem to.

What do I do?

Is it because you think she is spending money frivolously?

Is she putting buying presents for other people ahead of paying back her debts to her brother? Does her brother talk to her/you about it? If so, what is he saying?

What is she using the car for? Work? Socialising?

Is it necessary? Remember that although you may be able to walk everywhere, she may treat it as a necessity with having the small children.