The girlfriend needs your help....seriously

wockawocka

My girlfriend has a joint mortgage with her mum, it was put upon her at an age when really she shouldn't of been and this is the problem we have:

She wants to move on and get a place with me however I've said that only if she cuts all financial ties with her mum.

A little background here, Her mum has two properties, the one she is in currently is mortgage free, and the other which has a 150k mortgage on (worth a realistic 160k) and this is being rented out, with the mortgage falling short of £250 a month which my girlfriend is substituting along with other things.

Essentially (and this is only my opinion) the mum is very manipulative, if you don't agree with her you are in the wrong and yet she hasn't worked for months and has always got some excuse for not doing things, the stress is getting to her etc...usual Bol**** etc.

Unfortunately her mum is all the family my girlfriend has and it is incredibly hard for her to stand up to her mum, last week after I had mentioned what would be involved in living with me she mentioned to her mum that she was thinking of ending it with me although wouldn't tell her why...but her reason was it was going to cause so much hassle she didn't think she would be strong enough to see it all through.

The following day her mother asked her to take the car out as it 'wasn't driving right' and as soon as she walked out the door I got a phone call from the mum asking me why she was thinking of ending it with me etc....which decended into an argument and her saying (as my girl came back through the front door) that she didn't want to see or speak to me again and that she had no interest in seeing our children should we have them....and that in itself tore my lovely girl to pieces, she had a row with her mum for saying that and her mum hit her (first time ever).

Now I personally have every reason to grind an axe with the mum because she borrowed money from me with the promise to pay it back as soon as an inheritance came in. She had about 7k in total and even though the money came in it was drip fed back to me, 1k here, 500 there and now it has all gone and she still owes me £1300, never even told me she was unable to pay it all back and around xmas time she sent me a begging letter asking for 3k more to pay a fine and to get back some items in a lock and store....Saying that though, I don't let it affect my behaviour as my own mum said it 'Was cheap at half the price' lol!

The reason for the remortgage / joint mortgage was to release 50k of equity in the house to go into a small venture, however the mother hurt herself at her other job....and the money got spent although I never saw her 'that' ill, she fell over, that was all. She then proceeded to try and sue her employers and got 9k back after obsessing about that for 2 years and here we are today.

She's 60, lots of excuses, never actually does anything although says she always is, doesn't have 5 minutes to contact me about money she owes me even to update me but can watch TV all night.

Sorry for ranting on but I've been absorbing it all and I'm fit to burst so have to get it out somehow...the main issue is cutting financial obligations with mother. How do we go about that?

I have to say that I would like to settle down and have kids, if she doesn't cut the ties now this will always be a problem and I don't want to have my family losing out because we are supporting some self obsessed bully.

[Deleted User]

Your girlfriend needs to stand up to her mother.. simple as that. She needs to cut some of the strings and stand on her two feet if she ever wants to grow up and leave the nest.

Its not up to you, its up to her. If she isn't strong enough to do this.. well, it looks like it might be the end of your relationship as it can't progress past this wall.

Sorry.. it's a crappy situation, i'd say don't obsess about it but it's probably all you can think of right now.

Don't lend any more money either.. mixing family and money is a disaster waiting to happen

MissMoneypenny

wockawocka wrote: »

last week after I had mentioned what would be involved in living with me

What would that involve for your girlfriend?

emmy05

i might be a bit tough here, but it would seem to me that youre being used, if you can lend someone money who has one house thats mortgage free, and another that she really isnt putting a penny into, then why would you then go and lend money to that same person?
and if shes said she dont want to know you, your gf, or any children you may have, then is that really a healthy relationship? you cant force someone from their family, financially or not, i think you got a ton of thinking to do and she needs to reestablish herself rather than drag you thru things.
im not entirely sure of the situation, but only reading what youve put and between the lines, but self obsessed bullies need a good talking to sometimes, im of a mind that if you allow this to keep happening, then youre going to live a very upsetting life, and noone deserves that xx

wockawocka

MissMoneypenny wrote: »

What would that involve for your girlfriend?

It would be cutting the financial ties with her mum.

Times are never easy and she lives in Brighton, I'm in Ashford Kent and even though I prefer it here (2 bed house, nice close etc) she doesn't like it here and wants me to move there.....so that's ok but I pay £550 a month here and where we are looking at is £800, I need a garage and that's the ballpark figure for Brighton.

I suppose I'm looking ahead, not just for the now. Say we have kids....I have to question could I afford to support a family on my earnings alone or at least on reduced earnings etc. Will I resent her commitment to her mum then more so than now and will it poison our relationship.

I don't expect everything to be roadmapped out but there is a great big sign in front of me screaming WARNING!

Also as my mum pointed out, is this just the tip of the iceberg for a future of bad feelings and rows?

I'm not cold hearted, I could leave her to sort her own problems out and find someone local but she's the one I love. :rotfl:

emmy05

Also as my mum pointed out, is this just the tip of the iceberg for a future of bad feelings and rows?

I'm not cold hearted, I could leave her to sort her own problems out and find someone local but she's the one I love.

its a pity she isnt more like your mum, im just wondering if she is playing you to a point that its you who makes the break-up decision, i get the gist its more of a one way thing, i dont mean to hurt your feelings but for someone who relies on their mum for financial reasons, like your gf does, then maybe she isnt going to see things the way you are............ xx

wockawocka

emmy05 wrote: »

its a pity she isnt more like your mum, im just wondering if she is playing you to a point that its you who makes the break-up decision, i get the gist its more of a one way thing, i dont mean to hurt your feelings but for someone who relies on their mum for financial reasons, like your gf does, then maybe she isnt going to see things the way you are............ xx

I think you have that the wrong way around, the mum relies on my girl for financial support.

I sometimes wonder (in regards to her mum) that even though she wants my girlfriend to move on and be happy, when she does take those steps her mum goes completely the other way.

skintbutsmiling01

how old are you two? Are you sure that your gf is reday to commit, as if she has mentioned to her mum that she wants to end it because she can't deal with "the hassle" maybe she's just not ready to do what you want. The mother does not sound like a nice person, but is probably lonely & terrified of losing her daughter. You two arguing won't help!

wockawocka

skintbutsmiling01 wrote: »

how old are you two? Are you sure that your gf is reday to commit, as if she has mentioned to her mum that she wants to end it because she can't deal with "the hassle" maybe she's just not ready to do what you want. The mother does not sound like a nice person, but is probably lonely & terrified of losing her daughter. You two arguing won't help!

My girlfriend is 28 in two weeks and I'm 33.

My girlfriend has been in long term relationships before although I think her mum has held onto her for dear life and possibly sabotaged every preceeding relationship in one way or another.

My girl, whilst being a soft touch is the lovliest, sensible grown up person going. Just easily swayed in this situation.

skintbutsmiling01

most people are when it comes to parents. Could she see a financial advisor- see where she stands legally?

emmy05

i have no idea for you really, you got to think of yourself or still drag yourself thru the mill with this, whilst your gf is wonderful, i believe that a relationship can only work from partnership, not more of a one way basis xx