Hubbie messed up everything

mbaz

Was doing so well this month. Even managed an overpayment to DMP. Now discovered hubbie blown £120 on gambling website.

We've been married nearly 4 years and this is the 4th time he's done this (and the main reason we're in debt - he used my cards and blew thousands)

We have 2 children aged 1 and 2. I think I should leave him as he promises he wont do it again and always does. But i dont think i can afford a place on my own as I only work part-time eves as I dont like leaving the kids during the day.

Now we cant afford the rent this month.

Extremely depressed

lindens

Poor you.
I think you can get special software for your computer that doesnt let you visit gambling websites - would that work? Or would he just do it elsewhere?

You can goto www.entitledto.com and enter your details as if you were on your own, to work out what benefits you can get.

devonsdreamer

Hi there I have no real advice to give just wanted to send you some support. I am sorry that you are feeling depressed and understand how frutrating this must be for you, especially with young children to think about.

I think the answer to your question you will know in your heart, clearly you dont want to continue as you are but there may be other options.
Has your Husband taken action to seek help for his behaviour, does he realise it is a problem or has he not faced up to that yet? Does he know how close he is to losing you?? It may be that he doesnt realise just how badly this is affecting you.

It may be worth chatting with CAB to see what your options are to help you plan what you wish to do to move forward with this.

I hope things work out how you want them to.

Take care

tallyhoh

Check out how much you would be entitled to if you did go it alone. There is a calculator on here & the DWP site. You may be better off than you thought, even working part time.

pcplum_2

Hi, Ive been on the other side,used to gamble alot cause we were so deep in debt it seemed like a way out at the time( i know it is stupid but felt that way at the time). I offered to leave my husband to give him a better life, but he insisted that he loved me and took a tough love approach. If you want to stay with your husband, here's what to do:

1. Phone all credit/debit cards that he has access to and say you damaged/lost them. They will send you new ones with new numbers, keep these hidden, do not allow him access to them atall. Any cards in his name do the same.

2. If you have a laptop take it to work with you!!, sounds silly but avoids all tempation, it you have a pc take out a lead and when you are at home keep computer in the living room, not hidden away.

3. Tell him to seek proffessional advice straight away.

It will feel degrading at the time and I know that with 2 children you dont need another to look after but 1 year since my last bet I am so grateful to my husband for doing what he did, I never thought I was the type to get into gambling, used to moan at him for putting £5 on the football once a month!!.

There is a way forward but its not easy, If he loves you though he will agree to your terms.

I know this does not help your rent situation but wish you all the best whatever you decide.

immoral_angeluk

Completely agree with Pcplum.

Does he realise that it's a problem?

mbaz

Thanks everyone. I would have replied sooner but couldnt see te keyboard for the tears!! You are all so nice.

No I dont think he does think he has a problem because he only does it on average once a year. This time is absolutely nothing compared to what he has done previously (I am talking thousands in one night). Its more what it represents - that he doesnt care about me o the kids because a. now we cant afford the rent and b. I said we would leave if he ever did it again. I think I have forgiven him so many times he doesnt think I will go but I feel like I have no choice.

I am going to investigate benefits etc to see if I can leave and in the meantime I'm going to keep modem with me at all times and keep control of the fincances. I have changed online passwords and havehis cards - will get the numbers changed on them too.

Will keep you posted. Thanks for making me feel better xxx

piptom&AndyPandy

Mbaz,
I totally sympathise, I got married in Dec thinking that though DH had neglected to pay the mortgage and credit card in sept that he had since caught up. Turns out we were about to be reposessed. I only found out because he didn't manage to intercept a - "to the occupiers" letter stating it, I was livid, I seriously sat there and wondered whether i had made the biggest mistake of my life tying myself to a man who had so little regard for me that on average he'd been blowing 800 a month on !!!!!!. I was soooo angry. I know it's not identical but I decided to stay with him and seize control of the finances, he has been forthcoming on this but not others. I think in my heart it came down to knowing I loved him and there was a solution - me managing all the money - he has no bankcards at all and no access to money other than that which I give him.
I think if I was in the situation again - say he did this nxt yr or even in 2 yr time i'm 99% sure i'd call it a day. It's about the betrayal of trust, the commitment and deceit. I can only offer my support - though I wish I could offer more. If you love him then there is the opportunity to make it work if he's willing to relinquish all the control to you, if not then I guess as above in your heart you'll leave. I wish you all the luck in the world, and if I can be of assistance - evening with form filling! Let me know
Pippa
xxx

Annie_Fanny

mbaz wrote: »

Thanks everyone. I would have replied sooner but couldnt see te keyboard for the tears!! You are all so nice.

OMG!! That brought tears to my eyes!! Bless your heart. All I can wish you is lots of strength and courage...you will work out what is the best route for you...just never believe that you are stuck in a rut because we rarely are...there is always a way forward...

Keep us posted on your situation...

Good luck!

Annie
Xx

lieutenant_dan

mbaz, got into gambling problems myself before.

It may appear your husband was deliberately irresponsible in doing what he did, I'd say more than likely this was not the case, and he was powerless to stop himself.

It is tough going quitting vice addictions, and of course when you have money problems, then gambling to get out of it is so tempting. No one purposely of a rational mind gambles away rent money etc.

mbaz

Thanks everyone for your support.

Things are looking a lot brighter now.

Had a big chat with hubbie and we are going to get through this (as we always have in the past!!)

I am basically in sole charge of all finances now. We are going to move all direct debits to my account along with his salary and I will hold all the debit cards (we dont have credit cards anymore thank god)

He has been so good since this all erupted - getting up in the morning with the kids, doing loads of housework that to be honest it was almost worth paying £120 for!!