I need some help to deal with my bf

Kitten_2

Dear All,

As most people start their threads, I too have been a lurker on this board for quite a while, being inspired by what you do and how you get out of it, but right now I am also envious that you realised you needed to do something.

My bf was fired in July and he has no job. He is a smart guy but he is also suffers from SAD and depression, and I'm sure it's not helped by the amount of weed he smokes.

I was working out in Mexico for 6 months last year and he took out a loan (which I told him not to) to come out and see me, and he also lent £1500 to a friend too. This loan is one with a higher % rate because he thought he was going to pay it back quickly. When he got back from Mexico, he got fired. I believe it is now around £10,000 and he has also lumped his overdraft into it. He has recently decided to change his phone contract - on the day it was due for renewal. So took out a new one at £25, with insurance - but he didnt cancel the old one and now that has auto-renewed + insurance. Now they wont let him cancel it. He also has a debt collection agency after him for £240 which he wont confront. And I believe his credit card is over its limit too. I'm not entirely sure about all this as he wont let me see his paper work - if he has any!

Tbh this is less about his debt right now because atm I am covering at least his rent and his food (I still live with my folks) but I can't afford his loan repayments which are £250. Its more about how do I motivate him?? How do I make him realise he has to do something? How do I deal with it? He wont sign on, he sleeps all day and plays video games in the evening. He is really depressed, but does nothing about it. I just dont know what to do anymore. It makes me feel sick because I don't understand how he can do nothing and get himself into a situation like this. Everything I seem to say p!!!es him off and makes him angry, and its worrying me, not only because of his finances but because I have debts to pay to my folks (£900) and an overdraft (£400) which I am not paying because I am lending him the money. I dont mind it atm, but if there is no improvement then things are only going to get worse for the both of us. I just wish I could sit him down and work out the money, get him a job, or get him to sign on. Its just very hard atm. Now I understand why finances can break people up

Sorry about all that, just needed to vent abit. Its hard to talk to people you know sometimes.
Ali

[Deleted User]

I'm sure it's not helped by the amount of weed he smokes.

I think you know the root cause of the problem, you need him to deal with that or he won't get better

Molanole

((((((Hugs)))))))

This probably isn't what you want to hear hun but he's only going to change when he wants to. There's no way you're going to be able to make him do it.

I know you love him but you need to stop subsidising him. You don't live together so at the very least you've got a roof over your own head. All the while he's got you as a safety net he doesn't have to anything to get out of the mess he's in. Scary I know but maybe that's the kick up the backside he needs

I'm no expert on dealing with depression though so no doubt someone will come along and correct me. There is a thread on here somewhere about dealing with depression though, it might be on the health board. I bet someone there will be able to give you some really helpful advice.

In the meantime though, here's a (((((((((((hug))))))))))) to keep you going.

Mola x

RAS

Kitten

Welcome

Stop giving him money. You are not going to get any of the money you have already given himback, so stop it now.

If he is depressed, he needs to see the doctor.

He cannot pay the documented debts back and there is no legal means by which you could get a brass farthing back from him, and as long as you continue to support his behaviour, he will not deal with the debts. This forum is littered with people who have allowed partners to rack up more and more debt and then been left in the lurch, so stop it before he destroys your credit rating as well as his own.

That might wake him up, but do not count on it.

CRANKY40

Ringo's right, that will be the problem. My cousin had the same problem with her bf.

doom

I agree with ringo...... sort out that weed issue and then tackle the "sleeping all day and video games in the evening"...

You can only do so much to help, but he has to help himself too. What pro-active steps are being taken to find another job??

Tiglet

Hi Kitten, and well done for starting to face up to this problem,

I can understand that you feel some degree of responsibility towards your bf, and if you can help then that's what you will try to do. I know what it's like - I've been there too, but it really doesn't work. He thinks that he can live beyond his means, get into debt and that you will bail him out - and he's right. Sorry to be blunt but that's it.

It does sound like he's suffering from depression at the moment. I don't know whether that's because he's lost his job, because he's in debt or because he's using so much weed, but the three go together. Have a look at the thread on this board about debt and depression - you might get some good advice from the people there that might help him (I'd suggest getting him to do it himself but he'll have to face up to the fact that he's got a debt problem first).

Zazen999

Kitten wrote: »

Tbh this is less about his debt right now because atm I am covering at least his rent and his food (I still live with my folks) but I can't afford his loan repayments which are £250. Its more about how do I motivate him??
Ali

Hi.

You have answered your own question there - you can only motivate him by not bailing him out.

Why would he go out and get a job if he has you to pay his bills???

what will happen if you don't give him the next installment; in my opinion if he expects you to carry on then he isn't really worth it - unless it is Brad Pitt of course...

kizzykizzywizzy

Sorry Hun,
This is going to sound like a broken record - stop helping him & then he will have to do something about his situation.
There are a lot of people on this site who suffer from depression & they somehow even though they are ill manage to carry on working & running a household, looking after kids etc., mostly because they have no choice - they have to, it might be a good idea for him to see a doctor to get some medication, rather than smoking weed, which he seems to be able to find the money for!
Perhaps he'd like to post on here if he doesn't want to tell you what he owes etc & maybe someone on here can give him some advice.
Please think about yourself as it seems he doesn't
Sorry this reads really nasty, it's not meant that way at all

Mozette

What they said ^^^^^^

gax23

kizzykizzywizzy wrote: »

smoking weed, which he seems to be able to find the money for!

Hit the nail on the head. It's not nice, and it's not soft, but he needs to sort himself out. BIG time.