Fair contribution

jillyp_2

This is my first time using this site and hope that I can be pointed in the right direction regarding a fair contribution to our family budget.

My partner's son (24yrs) is living with us and paying approx £120 per month towards his 'keep. All his washing and ironing is done for him, his bedroom cleaned and bedding changed and all meals provided. I have recently found out that he has an online gambling debt of just under £80000 of which he is only paying the minimum repayments each month on his credit card. My partner and I have tried advising him to take out a loan in order to clear this debt as quickly and cheaply as possible, to no avail. He has a repsponsible job paying good money so has no reason to be in such a financial mess, although going out with friends and drinking to excess on the weekend does not help. He has recently been offered a council flat on a lovely new housing estate but had to refuse this offer 'because he couldn't afford it!) I feel that with only 3 offers from the council towards a home of his own this financial situation and easy living at home will jeopardize any future chances of moving out of our home. Any suggestions to kick someone into shape and how much should his fair share towards living at home be.
I look forward to any advice.

sazziecee

£80,000? or did you mean £8000 of gambling debt? (still a lot of course)

Just I doubt he would get a loan for 80k

You didn't state how much he earns each month, £120 a month may be OK if he is on a minimum wage job or works part time but not if he is say earning £900-£1000 a month. Actually just realised you said he has a well paid job, but still if you posted the amount he earns and how much he pays in debts it would help.

Personally I would not be doing his ironing for him though, washing maybe but ironing no.

hopefully others can help you a bit more, I am awful at asking family for money! even though i know they would take the mickey if I didn't ask.

belfastgirl23

This is a pretty tricky one. The biggest problem to me is his gambling debt. In some ways it doesn't make a difference how much it is, or indeed how he pays it off, it's the fact that he has a gambling problem. Has he acknowledged this? Is he seeking treatment from GA? If so then I'd be inclined to continue to support him whilst he is repaying this debt. But if he hasn't acknowledged this as a problem then that's a whole different kettle of fish. In ways, by continuing to support him you're enabling him to keep gambling and perhaps he needs to hit the bottom before he can stop. In your shoes I'd be inclined to give him eg six months notice and say that you will expect him to have found a new place by that stage. I suppose too though there's a limit to what you personally can do or say, his father will have to take the final decisions.

I do agree with sazziecee though, I def wouldn't be doing his washing and ironing.

puddles

At 22 when I was living at home after finishing University I paid £200 a month and that didn't include as much as you do for your son. I was taking home £900 a month at the time and that was 10 years ago. To be honest I thought I was getting a fantastic deal.

kylieM_2

I am almost 23 and moved out of home at 18, I am sorry but you and your partner have been a mug where your step-sons concerned.

When he finally does move out he is going to have a shock to the system and you are not doing him any favors. The reason he wont move out is because he is having such an easy ride.

I got in a mess with my council tax (owed £1200) which my mother bailed me out of, but at least she could see I was trying to stand on my own two feet.

I pay about 2/3 of my wages on rent, bills, food etc you would be generous to ask for half of his!

Strapped

He turned down the council flat? There's your answer. He ain't ever leaving, missus.

geekgirl

I wouldn't have allowed him to turn the council flat down. Or if he insisted on turning it down I would have told him to take a stroll then. He has got himself into debt and is not taking your advice on how to get out of it and is not willing to move on. Stalemate.
Is he still gambling? Is he getting help for his gambling? If he still has this habit he may be feeling at a low ebb but it is no excuse for not getting out there and tackling life.

Also unless you are happy doing it stop doing everything for him unless he is willing to pay a realistic amount. He is an adult and is capable of doing things for himself.

paddy's_mum

My parents had a way to work out what was fair in terms of paying my way while living at home.

They worked out pretty close to exactly what it was costing them to run the home. (If you have a mortgage, that sum should be excluded unless your step-son is a part owner of the property.) They included all bills, utilities, taxes, insurances, gardening and part of maintenance of the property costs, food etc.

Let us suppose in your case that the figure comes to £1200 per month. Divide that sum between the three of you who are living, and consuming, in that household. The figure you then arrive at is £400 per month. That is what you ask for and so on, pro rate, up or down the line.

If your stepson is earning a small wage, you may choose to drop the amount slightly. If you are doing all the chores for him, in my view, there should be no reason to ask for a lower figure.

If you were to work out what it would cost him to have the same amount provided or done for him while living elsewhere, I would bet it would cost way more than the one third arrived at by the above method. If he says that you do those chores anyway, then cost your time at the national minimum wage. I'm sure you get the picture.

Perhaps the biggest question to be asked is - are you a joint owner or tenant with your partner (or are you simply living there? No offence intended.) If you are, then in my view, your wishes should rank equally with the boy's father.

Reading somewhat between the lines here, but I have a feeling that you may have something of an uphill battle on your hands if your partner has yet to put a rocket under his son's backside! £120 per month, all found and all done, is having a laugh so unless your partner is the sole breadwinner as well as doing all the chores himself, I believe you have very sound reasons indeed for insisting that this situation does not continue indefinitely. (There, that's my contribution to world peace for the day!) Good luck.

justontime

It sounds like a big dose of reality is required. Put him in touch with one of the reputable sources of help for managing debt http://www.moneysavingexpert.com/loans/debt-help-plan#help

Find out what you could expect a lodger to pay and charge him a similar amount. Finally cut out the 'hotel services' he should do his own cleaning, washing and ironing. Perhaps then he will not have so much time left to gamble. Give him all the support and encouragement you can to learn the budgeting, cooking and household skills he needs to live independently. Once he has a serious plan to deal with his debt and he is paying a sensible amount for his present accommodation, moving to his own place may become a more realistic possibility. Good Luck!

consultant31

Since you say he's earning a good wage, he should be paying a portion of the household bills. For instance if there are 3 adults living there, he should pay a third of the electric, gas, water, food, tv licence etc.

If he doesn't pay his way how on earth will he learn to budget when (if) he ever leaves home?

He should also be doing his own ironing, bed changing and a fair share of the cooking.

I hope the gambling debt is £8000 and not £80,000 or I fear you'll never get rid of him:eek:

RadoJo

To be honest, if he is earning a reasonable amount, why should he even have a council house? Surely they are for people who cannot support themselves, not those who just choose not to!

I agree with the other posters - at the moment you have no leverage as he seems to be making all the decisions and picking and choosing which elements of adult life he wants to enjoy. If you want to ensure that he is in a position to pay off his debt, I would make some hard and fast rules about how much of his wages he should hand over which I think should be a high proportion. If he can't manage his own debt, the you will have to make him -bear in mind that you will also suffer if he runs up bad debts at your address - do you want debt collection agencies knocking on the door? It's not just a question of babying him any more, he needs to learn how a person with that much debt must live in order to survive.

Obviously you can't stop him going out, but where will he go with no money? And if he refuses to hand over his wages, then I agree with the other posters - out on his ear! It may be a difficult decision to make, but if he ends up bankrupt or on an IAV, then not only will he have no credit for years (and those years he will be living with...I'm only guessing here, but....you!) but it also means that your lives will be affected by it, and why should you suffer for something so pointless as online gambling!
Just had another thought - do you pay for the internet access? Are you actually having to spend money so he can waste his? If so, then that would be the lot for him - no access in his room, can only use the computer supervised and/or if he starts contributing to the house (if he acts like a child, treat him like one!).