Marriage is fizzling out :(

Lifes_Grand_Plan

Hi folks,

I've summoned up the strength to post here - I've been close to tears all day, and at various points over recent weeks TBH - as I think my marriage is fizzling out and it hurts.

We've been together 25 years (married for 15), have two amazing kids, and I've realised that over the past few years we've grown apart and now barely interact except about the kids or life admin. To be clear, neither of us has ever been unfaithful, nor would we (I hope!). Obviously kids take up a lot of time so they're a good distraction but in 10 years they'll be grown up and have their own lives / families. I feel like at that point my life is pretty much done (please don't take that as self-harm etc, I'm definitely not thinking anything like that) and on a downward slope, which is upsetting.

It suddenly feels like we have nothing in common other than the kids. I feel like we're just housemates that barely know each other and if we didn't have kids together, would just part ways. I don't know if she feels the same way though, she's never said anything, but surely she must be unhappy with things, but potentially just can't bring herself to admit it? And it worries me if she is happy with how things are right now when they feel so bad to me ☹️

Has anyone else been in a position like this? Can we pull back from this and if so, how do we do it?

Is marriage counselling a good idea?

Savvy_Sue

Marriage counselling definitely wouldn't hurt, couldn't hurt. Even if you decide to go on your own, to help you work out how to broach the subject with your wife.

You say "surely she must be unhappy with things", but I'd say it ain't necessarily so. I've seen a few marriages fall apart where one party was desperately unhappy, and the other completely oblivious. And sadly, if the unhappy party doesn't say anything to the oblivious party, it tends not to end well.

And you say you "barely know each other". How about starting to find out more about her, starting to share more about yourself?

I'm out the other side of the kids taking up all our time, and they've long since left home. But I do remember the grind, and I also remember the feeling that if I didn't do all the remembering, all the reminding, all the organisation, then it wouldn't happen - the shorthand is 'the mental load', and maybe for some reason that's fallen on you. If it's fallen on your wife, that may be there's a distance between you. But for me, commitment to our marriage was a decision as well as a feeling, as it was for my husband.

There is also another possibility - that mostly things are fine but actually you are suffering with depression. That's hard to live with for both parties, so do consider that. There doesn't need to be a 'reason', and 'there's no reason' is not an adequate protection against being depressed. So consider that one too, and maybe see your GP.

Albermarle

Is marriage counselling a good idea?

It can be, but it is probably a bit early for that as you have not even discussed your feelings with her, and have no idea how she is feeling. So you need to have that conversation first. Out of interest do you actually argue? Sometimes feelings can be revealed in the heat of a good argy bargy .

We've been together 25 years (married for 15), have two amazing kids, and I've realised that over the past few years we've grown apart and now barely interact except about the kids or life admin

You will not be the first ( or the last) couple whose main communication topics are the kids, and the day to day admin ! One thing you do not mention is if either of you have interests, friends etc away from the home/marriage. In which case if you 'grow apart' it does not matter so much, if you are not so reliant on the other. A marriage does not have to be 5* to survive. Often 3 out of 5 is sufficient.

Smudgeismydog

I do not think you are alone in thinking the kids have been the glue, or the thing that you have had in common for the last few years, and then a fear of what do we have left when the kids become independent and don’t need us as much.

However, this can also be an exciting time in your lives, as you will get some more time for yourselves. Perhaps you haven’t had time to go on ‘date nights’ or even a trip to the cinema, walk and lunch out without the kids in tow for a long time. Perhaps you also now have time to start thinking about your individual hobbies.

Talking to your wife about your fears and concerns about what this next phase of your life might look like for you both is absolutely the way to start.

elsien

Sibling’s wife left him - bolt from the blue to him - he was completely clueless although to the outside observer there were signs.

It was only in retrospect that he realised how unhappy he had also been. People do get used to the status quo so your wife may or may not be having similar thoughts to you.

How do you think you might try to raise the subject with her?

Sapindus

Talk to her about this. It doesn't have to be something deep and dangerous like "I think our marriage is fizzling out". Just "hey, I can't remember the last time we did something fun together, do you fancy going to see a movie?" Though I second what others have said you can have separate hobbies and still have a functioning marriage, but you need to have some glue that holds you together as a partnership.

MEM62

Can we pull back from this and if so, how do we do it?

I would say that this first thing you do is talk to her and find out how she feels. Her feelings may be very different to yours.

In any case, if you both want to save the marriage, think of fun your can have re-discovering each other. Ask her out on a date. Inject some fun and spontineity into your leves.

onomatopoeia99

You say you don't know if she feels the same. You aren't ever going to find out if you don't have a conversation to find out how she feels and tell her how you feel.

Counselling if you are in completely different places but I'd say not before talking to each other. Communication can be really hard and it's easier to carry on making assumptions and changing nothing, but that does no-one any good.

ButterCheese

Yes I was in the same position. We didn't fight or argue, but she just wouldn't engage in any sort of fun or activity between us. And eventually stopped really caring about what I was doing, unless I was staying out late and then I was told off.

I suggested going to counselling but she refused and said if I had problems then I should seek help myself. Which I did, and it helped me broach the subject better. The ex still did not engage with the "repair" activities that were suggested by the counsellor, so I took that to mean she wasn't bothered about trying to fix anything. After more counselling, I came to the conclusion that I'd tried my best but it wasn't going to work, so I left. Hardest decision of my life as we had a 5yo together, but after 10 years it has been better for both of us and our son is none the worse for it.

In summary - communication is key. Talk to each other and listen too. Be clear about what the feelings and problems are, without being accusatory. Suggest what can be done to overcome this. Look for solutions for staying together, rather than reasons to break up or ultimatums. Give her time to digest the information, don't expect answers or in depth conversation straight away.

Introduce counselling if you have the money for it, it has saved my life in many ways.

Ultimately you need to put all of your cards on the table and you need to see all of hers. And if you don't see any future in it, remember that it doesn't have to be someone's fault, and it doesn't have to be nasty. The more civil you can keep it, the better

Albermarle

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/82083747#Comment_82083747

I think the ‘ not arguing’ can be bad sign in a relationship. Of course it can get out of hand, but arguing with ones partner is quite normal, in my book anyway.

I had a customer in Ireland, and one contact had been rejected by his partner and said ‘ we had never argued’ My other contact said he had been married 35 years, and most nights it was like WW3 in his house !

ButterCheese

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/82084165#Comment_82084165

Yes that's insightful. Me and my partner have heated discussions and sometimes low level arguments but nothing that lasts for longer than an hour; we always make sure it's sorted out before bedtime. So yes I think that is sometimes part of good communication. The fact that me and the ex didn't argue perhaps meant that we were not being ourselves.

Which leads me to my next point - I think not being ourselves in front of each other was our first mistake. We were both probably trying to present what the other partner wants to see, instead of showing our true colours. So after 9 years or so, we found that the real "us" were not actually very compatible