Partners debt and spending issue

Emmia

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/81917084#Comment_81917084

Personally in your shoes, I'd be ending it.

It sounds like he's been in debt continuously for years, decades even with no real plan or ability to cut his cloth to suit his means, or to improve his means.

Sorry, it's always easier for someone to say this, harder for the person involved to act.

EssexHebridean

This does sound like a really difficult position you are in, and ultimately it does sound like you need to make a decision about the relationship as a whole. Mistrust is no basis for a relationship IMO, and you sound as though you feel much the same.

We have a saying on here - "You can't have a lightbulb moment for somebody else" - meaning that when it comes to clearing debt, the only person who can make the decision to tackle it is the person themselves.

If you think there is something worth saving, then you need to have a "cards on the table" conversation. One way of approaching that might well be on the basis of the credit card debt for things like holiday that you mentioned you have - that's not a great use for credit cards, so it would be reasonable that you might have your "lightbulb moment" around this, and suggest going through the household budget between you to work out where you can make savings to aim to both clear the debt and to budget for future spending of that type, too. that gives you the chance to lay out your debt and then say "right - your turn" - if he only reveals the bit you know about already, and says "yes" when you ask him outright if that is his only debt, then unfortunately you probably have your answer.

Good luck finding the right resolution for you.

FrugaiMacDugal

Does he have a gambling problem?

tinkerbellkirst

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/81917173#Comment_81917173

thanks for this, this is really good advice and I think this is what I’ll do. He knows I know about the other 9k and the 2k on credit card, but this is actually 6.5k. But only because of the letter. He’s never spoken to me about what that debt is, for or how it’s accumulated - he wouldn’t entertain a conversation about it, thinking saying he set up a payment plan was enough. My issue is I don’t know if there is more. I’d like to see his credit report ideally and feel this may be something we need to discuss.

He has continued to spend though, and I continue to be short on the money we should be splitting each month - essentially I am covering all outgoing costs and being ‘back paid’ but not consistently or on time, and this also means I am unable to keep on top of additional expenses as if things are needed I end up paying it (such as dog food, dog haircut, shopping etc), I do write it all down but as I am chasing the main half of bills etc essentially the small stuff just adds up and inevitable I end up missing some of it.

I need a better system for myself - which I need to set up. I also want to pay all my debt off so I have a clean slate, I can more than afford this when he is contributing his half properly, but only able to pay basics when he isn’t.

tinkerbellkirst

I don’t think so, though I’m not sure. He does gamble on football I know that, but as far as I am aware it’s only a small amount each week at weekends (£5/£10) but this could be untrue.

We don’t share any finances (and I don’t want to due to this issue) so I have no access to his accounts etc, I am reliant on what he tells me but I think it’s not accurate, it feels like he will paint a picture he wants me to see.

I think it’s more a spending problem, he’s always buying something. He gets a new phone/ipad, justifies this by the old one can go his child as they need it, or ‘it’s the same price’ so instead of when a contract ends going sum only and saying the extra cost, he will get a new phone because it’s no more than the last contract (even though he clearly can’t afford it).

I have never had any defaults, CCJs, bailiffs or anything like that. I don’t profess to be great with money and definitely could improve this for myself. But I always pay what I owe. He is different and as horrible as it sounds I don’t want to get dragged down with it all. I have offered the chance to talk and I would gladly help. But it seems he doesn’t want to.

tinkerbellkirst

This is the case I fear and the more I think about it the more I think this is the way it is going to end.

There are just too many empty promises and it feels like too much hidden that trust is a big issue now. And you can’t have a relationship without it.

FrugaiMacDugal

With you subsidising his lifestyle means less money available to clear your own debts, time to decide.

Good luck.