Partners debt and spending issue

tinkerbellkirst

Hi all,

I am really just looking for some advice on how to address this situation.

me and partner live together, but are not married and share no assets (as such) or children.

we both have some debt, the difference is that mine is somewhat out in the open.

I have a loan which was got for a car and some home improvements which is paid next year. And I have 2 credit cards which have been used for holidays/house items both being paid off (currently minimum monthly plus extra when I can, once loan is paid this outgoing will go on these and they’ll be gone pretty quickly). I also have a mortgage on the house - which is in my name only as I had it prior to relationship.
I have taken on all credit/debt related to house costs as the house is in my name and I have the better credit. I am also employed on a decent wage.

here’s the issue, partner is also in debt, but this is hidden. He has a history of CCJs, credit problems and money management issues (payday loans, bad credit credit cards etc) he is self employed and I fear the money coming in is not great and hasn’t been for some time.

I have discovered recently there is at least 15k of debt (likely more as this is only what I know about). He is getting letters from debt collectors but chucks them away, I don’t know if he does anything with them or pays any of it.

I really don’t know what to do here. At the moment I feel I am protecting my assets by having nothing joint and not being married. However it’s getting to the stage it’s worrying me and I’m also concerned about the impact on my own life.

He definitely has a spending issue, he always wants the latest things (phone, watch, computer etc) and buys clothes a lot. He will justify this in many ways. I feel I have been somewhat complicit in this until the past year or so as I believed money wise all was ok.

Over this past year though I have been subbing our life. I pay all the bills related to the house, he pays his ‘share’ however am often chasing this or missing amounts. I am thousands down over this time.

I really don’t know where to go with this next. I have raised it numerous times but he has his head fully buried in the sand. Does anyone have any experience of this or advice on how to deal with this as the partner with little control?

Emmia

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/6658908/partners-debt-and-spending-issue

I had an ex who was significantly indebted (but I wasn't living with them) and this was one of two reasons the relationship ended. I decided I wasn't willing to carry on, knowing I'd probably end up being sucked down with him - it was a difficult end, but one I don't regret.

I think you need to ask yourself where the red line is for this relationship in terms of the debt. Is it £10k, £20k... Is it debt of any amount with no plan to pay it off?

You know they have debt (but probably not how much), and you obviously want to help (not financially) them to tackle it if they want - but if they don't have their lightbulb moment then it's for naught.

Currently your partner has a roof over their head and food on the table regardless of whether they've actually contributed. If you're happy to keep providing, then carry on as you are.

If you're not, then a difficult conversation is needed, which may end the relationship.

BridgetTheCat

Hi @tinkerbellkirst I have experience of almost exactly this situation, and I know to my cost that you have a relationship problem, not a debt problem. You cannot help this person if they’re being dishonest with you. They are using you to subsidise a lifestyle they can’t afford, and while you’re treating this as a partnership, they are not. IMO what they’re doing is bordering on financial abuse.

Personally if it were me because of my past experience I’d be giving them the boot. I know that’s difficult when you are a kind person who cares for someone and wants to help them but all the budgeting and debt advice in the world won’t help if it’s not reciprocated and they’re draining you dry. It’s possible to love someone and still let them go in order to protect yourself.

MattMattMattUK

Being brutally honest, leave, it will not get better, it will only get worse. This is not like someone on DFW who wants to address their issue and tell their partner, he keeps spending he ignored court letters, he hides debt. He does not take responsibility for his actions and never will, get out whilst you still can.

jackieblack

All of the above

tinkerbellkirst

thanks everyone. I think I needed to hear that.

I feel like I have been stuck in this situation for longer than I am happy with already. It doesn’t feel like a relationship as we can’t move forwards while this exists. I don’t want to get married (been married before), but that’s more now because I don’t feel I can trust him than not wanting to generally.

I’m not averse to having some debt if it’s managed, as I said I have my own and am working on getting it paid off. But they are fully aware I have this.

You are all right it’s a relationship problem. It’s the lying and hiding and that’s not fair. I am subsidising this lifestyle right now. It’s also holding me back from the life I want. I want a relationship that’s a partnership, I have worked really hard including studying (and still doing so) to end up with a decent income to live a good life and can’t as this is putting the brakes on.

I supported them through covid which was a different scenario for self employed people and that didn’t feel the same as now as it was a bad situation for everyone. But now it feels more like a choice, to continue being self employed despite not earning enough, and to not address the debt. I honestly don’t know where the debt has come from as the only payment I knew about was maybe 2k that they put on the credit card for a purchase that they agreed on without checking with me.

The other 13k I have no idea as they don’t have anything to show for this. And as you say this is probably only the tip of the iceberg, I fear there is more I don’t know about.

Emmia

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/81916825#Comment_81916825

To clarify, they used your credit card for a purchase without agreeing it?

If so, that's a big red flag for me and would have ended the relationship there and then.

RAS

What's worrying about throwing debt letters away is that there could be good and bad reasons for doing this, and some instances when it's very much to his disadvantage not to deal with it.

If you read round here, you'll realise that a lot of debt companies bulk buy shed loads of historic debt and try to resurrect it. So debt letters aren't always an indication of enforceable debt.

Sometimes people panic and pay needlessly, sometimes they miss an important document and end up with a CCJ by default on a statute barred debt. So opening stuff and deciding if it's statute barred or soon to be, or an immediate risk protects your partner.

But if you are subsidising your partner and they are not being proactive about their debt isn't a good sign.

We get a lot of people here who've hidden debt. When they tell their partner, the bigger issue is the loss of trust rather than the money. It needs absolutely honestly going forward, with shared information about accounts and credit records and joint planning short and long term. If that's not forthcoming, this isn't a partnership.

ManyWays

If their income is erratic and the business isn't doing well, then credit can quickly spiral out of control, especially when the debt becaomes very high cost.

Your relationship may not end well, But he may just be very embarrassed and find it difficult to admit the mess he is in?

You could take a soft way in saying he must have a lot of money problems at the moment because he has been having difficulty paying his share of the bills. say this is not very surprising given the estate of the economy (bland, gives him something to blame), but there is good help available for the self employed at Business Debtline. Offer to help him get a list of his debts and expenses so he is in a good place to call them. Offer to be on the call if he would like as you do not find it hard to think while you are on the phone.

https://businessdebtline.org/

itsthelittlethings

I would say talk to him first off. He may be struggling alone and feel very ashamed. A lot of people struggle with debt and people post here all the time who are terrified of their partner finding out about their debt. If you do see a way forward for the relationship he might be very relieved to hear that you know. Start to put some boundaries down about what you will pay for, this will force the issue. Even some otherwise very clever and capable people can be bad with money.

tinkerbellkirst

He didn’t use my credit card, he used his. As the purchase he agreed to make I didn’t agree on. He basically agreed to have some work done, thinking that what we couldn’t cover with the cash we had, I would put on a credit card in my name. I refused to do this as I didn’t agree it and I would have just not had the work done. So he had to put it on his. This is the only 2k I ‘know’ about officially.

I know about another 9k debt, as I accidentally opened a letter (genuine accident, I was opening mine and our names look similar on paper so it wasn’t until I had it in my hand I realised it wasn’t for me).

However I see the letters come through regularly, they all look very similar and he will sometimes open, read and throw away. He did have some statute barred debts, which he had before he was with me, the 6 years for those has passed now, so essentially I thought any debts were being managed and the 6 years ones had been dealt with.

However it appears there is more/new ones I didn’t know about. And I am afraid there is more.

With regards to money and working and debt. I have tried to have the conversation about them both. Essentially this work situation can’t continue but all I am getting is that if he does XYZ it’ll improve and it’s always ‘next week’ ‘next month’ etc but it does not materialise. With the debt he knows I opened the letter by accident as I told him and gave him the letter, his focus was more on ‘you shouldn’t be opening my mail’ which I explained was an accident and I have never done that and wouldn’t, but now I’ve seen it I can’t unsee it. I said we needed to have a chat about it but he has not done so. Again it’s a lot of excuses and all he said was he contacted them and set up a payment plan, which I am not convinced has happened. He would not discuss any further with me.