Mum (early 60s) doesn't seem to be enjoying life particularly much. No partner or grandchildren

nervous_switcher

My mum is 61 and unfortunately isn't enjoying her life very much. I know this because she has discussed it with me. I suspect that a couple of key factors contributing to the situation are that she has no romantic partner and no grandchildren. The fact that she has no grandchildren is unfortunately my fault. I am her only child, so the burden of having any grandchildren is mine alone to bear. I am not expecting this to change any time soon as I'm not in a relationship myself.

I realise that, at 61, she is a lot closer to the end of her life than the beginning. This is a matter of simple maths and also common sense. It saddens me to think about, but I accept it is one of the basic realities of life. I feel that she should be maximising the time she has left, but she seems to be stuck in a cycle of simply going through the motions of life and waiting for the end to come. She is also retired. I sometimes see or hear reports of people in their 60s, 70s or above who remain active, sprightly and are still enjoying life. Unfortunately, none of those descriptions apply to my mum. Is there anyone on MSE of a similar age to my mum who is still enjoying life, particularly if they have no spouse, partner or grandchildren? If so, do you have any words of wisdom or inspiration that I could share with her?

Savvy_Sue

No words, but ...

What did she used to enjoy?

Do you live near enough that you could take up a fun activity together?

And if not, could you encourage her remotely?

It's almost mother's day, would a surprise outing together help?

Do you give an impression of enjoying life without a partner or children?

HampshireH

61 isn't old.

She has chosen to retire early presumably for a reason? Perhaps getting a job /hobby and making some friends would be beneficial

itsthelittlethings

Volunteering?

Emmia

No one has a right to expect grandchildren, and you may not have any. You shouldn't have a child to make your mum "happy"

I'd encourage her to join groups in her local area or take up a hobby - art classes, U3A, volunteering… Or to get a part time job, as these will all help her meet people.

Ultimately though it's not your job to make your mum happy, it's hers.

itsthelittlethings

My mum is 76 and I know the aches and pains of old age get her down sometimes. She volunteered for several years after retirement as well as travelling all around the world. She travels less and more close to home now but still enjoys it.

Encourage your mum to pursue her passions, perhaps take up a keep fit activity and spend her money on herself! She may be closer to the end of her life than the beginning but this could be only just! She is probably still in quite good health (61 is not all that old).

powerspowers

My mum is a similar age, and suffers with poor mental health. She is divorced and also struggles with not having a partner. I think it’s hard when life doesn’t match your expectations.

Her and my dad were quite outdoorsy and she has talked for a long time of doing things like lands end to John ogroats but didn’t seem to know where to start. I bought her a book which talks about how we put off doing big things due to conditions not being perfect eg”if only I was retired” “if only I had a partner to go with”. Humphreys talks about how you have to go with what you’ve got, even if it means what you do is smaller.

https://alastairhumphreys.com/product/the-doorstep-mile-living-more-adventurously-every-day/

As a result of this, we planned a short cycling trip together last summer. It was really amazing spending an extended time with mum doing something out of our comfort zones. it was hard too, we aren’t super close so being together 24/7and sharing a small space was hard. But it gave her a lease of life, planning the trip, physically training for the cycling. Now she’s planning a walking holiday solo next year.

It doesn’t have to be a physical adventure, there must be things your mum has wanted to do that she needs a push to do, or a modified version of. For my mum it was the realisation that she may get to a point where her body says no so make the most of your 60s.

soolin

I can't answer the question really, but as someone in their 60s I want to caution you about having any feelings of guilt about not 'providing' grandchildren. I have had friends and colleagues who have been sad, even a bit angry about not having grandchildren, very often when they themselves had just a single child - but it has made me cross that they hold even the slightest hint of irritation against children for not supplying grandchildren. It is nothing to do with us what our children do or don't do with their lives.

No one should ever feel guilty about not providing the retirement life their parents imagined or expected.

I'm older than your mum, I still work part time (at my convenience as I have more than one self employment) , I have made in recent years a lot of groups of friends, different social groups doing different things but before that if my children had told me to 'go and make friends' I would have been annoyed as it is easy to get into a rut and not actually want to get out of it. I'm lucky as I also have an OH and 'late' grandchildren that I had never expected to have, and currently rarely have a day clear in my diary from either working, seeing the children or grandchildren, meeting friends, theatre etc.That probably makes me the worst person to answer here, but until I got into my 60s my OH and I rarely had proper friends, so it can be done.

Grumpy_chap

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/6658419/mum-early-60s-doesn-039-t-seem-to-be-enjoying-life-particularly-much-no-partner-or-grandchildren

Your Mum is not old.

Has she been to a Dr recently for any routine reasons - maybe the "Well-woman" check up? It is just my wife was getting a bit lethargic in some ways and the routine "Well-woman" clinic identified low iron level which was a simple and easy remedied change. It made a big difference. If your Mum can be encouraged to attend a routine check-up it might identify something equally simple.

Your Mum is retired.

Your Mum has no romantic partner.

Does your Mum have any hobbies? Or any lapsed hobbies that she could resume?

Your Mum has no grandchildren. Don't change that for her (unless you want to) but, do you live close enough that having grandchildren would make any difference in a practical sense?

If you do live close, could you make a regular time to meet with your Mum for quality activities, not just supporting chores? Maybe visit a local park / gardens for a walk? Maybe join a club of some kind together - art group, dance class, walk-n-chat group…

p00hsticks

I second the point firstly that 61 is not old, and secondly that she has no right to have expected grandchildren and you should not feel guilty for not providing them.

I'm in my 60s and have found my local u3a to be really good for getting out and about, meeting people and doing things. It's for people (of any age) who are retired and is run by its members for its members. They are set up locally, so the range of classes offered varies greatly from u3a to u3a, but they are all affiliated to a national organisation.

You can find your nearest one here.

u3a - Join a u3a

elsien

I am a similar age to your mother . No partner, no children, no grandchildren, although I am still working.

How long has your mum felt like this for? I did hit a slump when I got to 60 because in my head that was old - probably because it used to be state pension age for women although it isn’t anymore so I started thinking “oh my God, I’m a pensioner I must be old” which is actually cobblers.

So I had to make an effort to get out of my head. I am still working, but I decided that I was going to set myself up some challenges and not say no to anything that anyone asked me. Which has helped enormously. I’ve also joined the gym, which is interesting given that I dislike sweaty people and bodybuilders! But it’s a local friendly independent and they are lovely.

I have committed myself to a walk which is going to be about 15 miles a day for two weeks. It might kill me, but I’m giving it a go.

What does your mum do all day if she’s not working because if she’s not doing anything constructive if she is going to get depressed. Nothing to do with children or grandchildren just lack of motivation.

But for what it’s worth, parent is 87. Also still goes to the gym. Has a group of friends she goes out with her and we’ve just been on holiday to Barcelona. Age is just a number. Obviously physical health can impact on that but that doesn’t seem to be the case with your mum although if she hasn’t had a full MOT now might be a good time to do so.