Always_Amazed's New Year; New Diary

Lucy1982_2

That's ok AA, I still haven't master the spending diary either. It's my job for after the Bank holiday!

**Amy**

:hello: AA

Glad to see you back!

I know its hard but deffo try and do a spending diary. I make sure i get receipts for everything now, and then i have a spreadsheet on my computer i update.

I could send it to you if you want? May be of some use (its quite pretty with lots of cool colours! :rotfl: )

Anyway, well done on the £ from cashback sites.

And for understanding the matched betting, im waiting until i have some spare time to have a good old read of that, as im still not 100% clued up!

always_amazed

Argh.

I havn't wrotten in this for months. I havn't got a day off till the weekend to check through the state of my financial affairs, but I can assure you it isn't good. So I thought I'd write down a bit of where I'm at now with other things. This is a bit of a 'get it out of my head' exercise, so I apologise if it makes no sense!

Firstly; I had what I hope to be my last operation six weeks ago. I am being so hard on myself for not being a good DFW over that time, and I know I need to cut myself some slack. It's quite weird actually being 'on the home straight' now (although it doesn't feel it yet) and I think I'm a bit unnerved by it. I'm obviously very thankful and appreciative that I'm getting better; I just have forgotten what it feels like and I can't help being apprehensive: it's almost like I've lost confidence in my ability to cope in the real world (outside of hospital!).
In other news, I actually started to see a therapist. I felt I couldn't afford it for so long but somehow I decided it would be worth it. I was going every week at one point, I think I'm going to cut it down to every two, and then maybe down to once a month. This is partly due to the expense, partly because I feel so many improvements already I don't think I need my hand held the whole way.
I'm at a place now where so many things are coming out, it's kind of poision out of a snakebite type analogy. I put so many of my feelings under wraps while I was ill I'd forgotten how to feel... and things are coming out and its hard. I feel pretty overwhelmed most of the time, I can't see how I used to manage.... and the MSE side of things seems like so much to do. I'm feeling a huge amount better in myself than I used to, on the whole, but am regularly feeling like things are too exhausting to even attempt. This could be to do with the recent op of course.
Also, due to the slower recovery this time, I feel so unfit. I really do. I'm getting better at moving, which is wonderful, but it's so tireing! I hate being overweight. The surgeons prefer it that way for the time being, they say they'd rather I fed myself very well and let my body get back into the swing of things before I start to push it too hard, but it's difficult. I'll know when I'm well enough to exercise etc and to eat less, I know I will, it's frustrating I'm not there yet.

So on the whole I guess I'm feeling frustrated and a little shell shocked. I'm finally facing up to some of the really important things which have happened to me recently; and truth be told I'm quite scared. I think that's partly to do with why I'm so reluctant to check out the finances. I'm scared of that, but I know getting started is better than never starting; and I know if I can do that I can do lots more too.

On a positive note, I've been relaxing more, had my hair cut (got rid of the ratty ill hair) and I've read a couple of good books lately. I'm taking more pleasure in simple things and even been flirting a bit. I just bought tickets to see my favourite band ever: expensive but I have budgeted for them. I've also been getting some little things which have been dragging me down out of the way: eg. setting up paypal, getting new contacts etc etc.
And I've also been blogging on livejournal about my therapy and self-discovery magical mystery tour (!) which is really helping me a lot. That's a realy get-it-out of my head thing; totally and utterly anonymous and a real haven for my mental ramblings.

Phew! I hope to be back at the weekend with a more DFW relevent post into my diary

**Amy**

Hey AA

I just wanted to say Im glad you are feeling more positive (health wise) and to promise you that things will get better (MSE wise!).

Dont beat yourself up over not being as DFW minded over the past few weeks, to be honest it shouldnt of been top of your list, you should be.

try not to take too much on at one time, as thats what i find gets me down. A bit at a time.

:grouphug: Dodgy hug for you!

x

always_amazed

Ooooh thanks for the dodgy hug!!

Am feeling much better after 'spilling' all that to the MSE world... and I'm off to eBay to research how to list some of the never ending pile of junk which I have accumulated above my stairs..... sigh

always_amazed

Oh dear. Instead of going through bank statements/organising life/ pulling self out of debt, I'm sitting in my pjs watching olympics in the dark.

Can' beleive it's ten past two already!! I am sort of enjoying the bumming about thing though; but I might try to do something before the carry-on film starts..!

always_amazed

Well I finally tackled a few of those pesky bank statements last night and it's making me sick to see how much money I've squandered on stuff. I can always recognise when I'm hitting a nerve or getting somewhere with myself as I feel so dreadful! I just hope I can do the same tonight instead of head-sand-burying which is my normal response.
I might go for a walk to calm down; even though its horrible drizzley rain and a bit dark and scary.

But better news is that PayPal and me are finally getting along... I was subject to loads of security checks but we're super set up now and ready to go. And my very first listing has a bid on it by someone with very good feedback; which is wonderful for me so fingers crossed nothing goes wrong!!!

always_amazed

Argh I am stressed out the box.
I have a day off today and am trying to sort out bank statements and I just needed a little vent and grumble about how horrid it makes me feel. Cant beleive how much I've spent on stuff I never even needed.

At least I'm having a NSD today. I refuse to leave the house as it's that horrid relentless sort of rain which makes you really really soggy.
And in good news as well, my very first eBay item ends tomorrow. Very excited and I really hope it goes well.

**Amy**

Hi AA

me again!

Dont beat yourself up too much about bank statements, we all have slips, and at the end of the day, whats done is done. try and take each day at a time. That really helps me.

Hope you are feeling more positive later and good luck with the ebay item.

x

dfw844

Just wanted to say a quick good luck with ebay.

Hopefully you'll go the same way I did when I first started on MSE and get addicted to selling not buying! (I say 'when I first started' because there is nothing left for me to sell. It sounds sad but it's really satisfying because for the first time ever I have a lovely clutter free home! No random things in drawers, no cupboards full of unwanted presents, it's great).

Anyway, it's great watching the bids come in isn't it, so hopefully this will motivate you to list some more (although wow is it boring!).