Need fresh eyes on my budget!

elsien

Credit where credit is due:

• hit my grocery target for the first time after adjusting the total and making it a pot covering food, household stuff and pet supplies
• 'kids' pot has been a godsend
• The emergency fund …..The pots are filling,,,,, Ok not as quickly as you'd hoped but where would have been with the additional expenses without them?

There will be times when you will wonder why you are bothering - it is a long slow grind at times. I think sometimes you have to focus on the smaller goals for a bit and let the bigger picture take care of itself just for a while.

Blackcats

great post from @elsien ! Slow and steady and learning along the way - that's great progress.

honeybee1234

@ellenvan @Spendless @elsien @Blackcats thankyou for responding 😊 I have felt quite overwhelmed these last few days, so yesterday I bit the bullet, and sat down to see where I'm at. I haven't divided my October surplus into pots yet, and my unforeseen expenses have eaten into it, but I do have enough to put some towards Christmas as usual, and a small amount into a handful of others, so that's on the list for today.

@Spendless my ex does contribute towards uniform - I order it, and ask him for half. It did take a few asks to get it, he is fine with it but is terribly disorganised and forgets. I did buy the PE top myself as it was £10 and cheaper than I'd anticipated.

This is a pattern I've noticed in my life generally - I tend to be the 'organiser', and so order or arrange things, pay for them myself and then need to get others to reimburse me their share. It happens with my ex, with OH and also the girls to a degree. OH owes me for a couple of weeks of grocery stuff I picked up for him, plus a couple of other things. He's absolutely fine with reimbursing me, it's that we both forget so it accumulates and then I feel apprehensive about approaching him with a figure.

In a previous relationship (not the boys' dad), my ex was financially abusive. He would make me pay for his food, groceries, coffees out of my money budgeted for bills, leaving me short. If I said I couldn't afford it, he'd say he "needed" these things like I somehow was responsible and like I had no choice in the matter, as if it was a given I should be paying. It carried on for a while until his mum found out who was quietly embarrassed, and she promptly set about making sure I was paid back for anything I purchased in the future. Which was kind, but missed the glaring elephant in the room that he was doing this at all.

It didn't alleviate the issue of him making me pay, even if I was being paid back. He was a very strong minded guy, very physically imposing (which he used against me) and it gradually became clear I was to accommodate him with this and his lifestyle or he'd make my life a misery. Which he did. I lived in constant fear of his temper and his nasty revenge tactics. After many failed attempts to leave, I managed to extract myself finally and it was almost funny looking back how he made it into him leaving me - I had shut off by then and it was his final try to emotionally destabilise me and it didn't work because I didn't want him to be there anyway.

I still now find it hard to discuss money even though OH has made it very clear it is in no way an issue, he's a very chilled out person and I feel comfortable with him but not with myself, I still hesitate to ask for money I'm owed and so find myself in this situation.

vampirotoothus

Hi, if you are regularly buying stuff for OH, could you get him to send you a regular SO over the amount and then you send the difference back? Alternatively use something like Splid whch allows you to share expenses with someone and they can see what the transactions are for? I use this with my partner as we regularly do stuff together but don't have a joint account or card. You've got this, good luck V x

ArtyJ931

if you have Monzo (and possibly other banks) you can set up a running split to split and add bills to. My partner and I have one and anytime one of us pays for something we add to the running split. Really helpful so you’re not raising it

Blackcats

a low tech approach could be to jot down what you've spent on a scrap of paper and then clip them together and hang from a hook or keep in a fixed place that's prominent but not so prominent it feels uncomfortable. When you are reimbursed just throw the slips away.

My dad did a version of this with one of his neighbours. This chap was an alcoholic and very bad at managing his money but a really nice guy. Dad would keep 4 x £5 notes on a clip in the kitchen and N could borrow them but when they were gone that was it. When N got his benefits or his family visited the £20 would be reimbursed ready to be used again. Dad never judged N unlike many of the neighbours. Mum often cooked him a portion of dinner. It's completely different to your situation but the very visual record of money spent was helpful to dad and N.

honeybee1234

I really appreciate the ideas, thankyou! I'm going to have a chat with OH later and get his input. I know he'll be fine with this but it still makes my stomach churn!

Last night I got together with all the kiddos. We went out for food as we had an occasion, it was planned and partially funded from pots. Whilst I really enjoy seeing all the children together, I find it hugely stressful organising the logistics and quite unintentionally made the arrangements overly complicated and spent on Ubers we could have avoided - but I only "saw" it after we were already on the way. Noted for next time!

I realised as well I need to cut my cloth accordingly. I'm still doing things I want (ie meal out with family) and getting the money to work around it rather than say "I have x amount for this, how can I use it wisely?" I see feelings of what a parent should be that are hugely driving this and I need to be brutally honest with myself that I cannot currently afford things like this and it's okay to acknowledge where I am with my finances.

Today I am sitting down and transferring remaining money to pots and seeing how the budget lies. A chat with OH as mentioned above, then DS2 is showing some work at school later so I'll be going to that. I'm at the very end of my window of tolerance for my agoraphobia atm (I enjoyed last night but it was also horribly stressful going out and very busy) so I have a few quiet days planned after today.

honeybee1234

This morning, I sat down with OH and a cuppa, and discussed the money he owed and I explained how I'd been tying myself in knots about asking. He was exactly how I knew he'd be, he gently laughed and said I must just tell him and it's absolutely fine and hugged me. I felt teary but it's all good, he's transferred it and it was no issue at all! It's so funny that he's such a chilled out guy and I'm... the complete opposite 😊

Yesterday I went to school for DS showing work. It was pretty difficult as every fibre of my being was screaming to not leave the house but I did it and it was fine and it was a bonus seeing DS so worth it totally! It did require putting petrol in and my usual credit card still isn't working so I had to use my current account funds. Will need to balance this today.

I'm hibernating at home today as I need to hide away to decompress from going out. I'm going to try to go with OH who's here and taking the dog for a walk to walk off a bit of anxiety adrenaline, then have a gentle day catching up on my to-do list. Today is a no-spend day, we have everything for meals, leftovers for tea and so I've moved my regularly-scheduled grocery shop to tomorrow.

Have a good day all who are reading!

ArtyJ931

Gentle though he is, now he knows it causes you stress, if he isn’t proactive in paying without being asked then keep an eye on that. X

honeybee1234

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/82163507#Comment_82163507

He has now been checking on things and following along and we're sorting money out at the time so it's a lot easier 👍🏻

Hectic week! I've had a LOT of Very Important Errands around the boys, so through the week, I've been back and forth a number of times from a) town, b) school, and c) the Post Office. In total this has cost me roughly 78.00 for fees, parking, photos and Special Delivery 😭 I then had a parents' evening on Wednesday at college for DS1, I was completely at the end of my window of tolerance for going out, but his dad was unable to go as he wouldn't be back in time from work, so I made it work by getting an Uber, which was about 7.50. I was able to get a lift back, and whilst I would obviously rather have not paid out for an Uber, in this case because it enabled me to go to parents' evening with DS1, it was money I am happy to have spent.

In other news, since last posting, I have been balancing the books with money owed to me. I also got a "compensation" payment of 100.00 from my housing association due to an actually relatively minor issue, which was a surprise, but a very welcome one! This means I am now roughly 400.00 in credit in my current account and also have around 140.00 earned from surveys and cashback which has accumulated. I'm unsure whether to target this at furnishing my emergency fund, or paying down one of my cards. I shall post again later with details of my current card situation when I'm more awake!