Options we have for a distant MIL

Johnty91

Hello! Apologies If this isn't the right place. I've got a slightly awkward situation involving my wife and technically MiL.

For various reasons my wife has been no contact with her mum for many many years. She's in the past few years gone through some specialist therapy and has semi recently been in contact over email, spurred on by being a new mum.

In the conversations recently my daughter has came up and obviously my wife's mum is obviously very keen to help/be involved/get to know them etc.

Now, my questions are;

My wife's mum wants to put my daughter in her will. Which initially we didn't want but who are we to potentially rob my daughter of having some inheritance. She'll need the address for this (assumption?) which is a tricky ask. Distance wise she lives in Australlia and is elderly, so it's unlikely she'll turn up unexpectedly. But my wife is worried she could spam the house with gifts, letters and things of that nature. If that was to happen is there anything we can do? I.e. calling up amazon.

Secondly, she's offered to send my wife money. I'm not exactly sure how much, but I take it there are things to consider when receiving x amount of money? I.e. if it needs declared, tax paid on it etc.

Keep_pedalling

You don’t need an address to put someone in a will but it would be very useful to have for the executor.

There are no gift taxes in the UK so regardless of the amount it will not be subject to tax and does not need to be declared.

sheramber

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/6653490/options-we-have-for-a-distant-mil

Your daughter may not be living at your current address when your MIL dies, so current address is not necessary for a will.

YBR

As I understand it, in a will, the address is helpful for identity and to assist the executor. So "to my friend Jo Smith I give…" could be difficult where as Jo Smith who lived at a particular place when the will was written is more definite. Wills don't need to be updated when any beneficiaries move house.

So "my daughter/granddaughter, <name> …" should be sufficient, because it also states the relationship.

Grumpy_chap

I would be graceful about the Will and say that it is very kind and thoughtful of your MiL to think of her granddaughter.

If there are gifts of money, then the best thing might be to treat those as gifts to your daughter and open a saving account or buy premium bonds in her name.

If the MiL floods the house with presents, then simply say "thank you" and either allow your daughter to wear the clothes / play with the toys or sell genuinely unwanted items on a suitable second-hand market place. From a practical perspective, how many spam gifts can she really generate?

In fact, especially considering the distance and age, you can be very magnanimous in your responses and be graciously appreciative and even say how you'd very much wish that your daughter could meet her grandmother. Given she is not going to travel here, that seems like it comes with little risk to just take the high ground.

bouicca21

Is this simply a ploy to get an address? Why name one grandchild when presumably there may be others in the future? In lieu of an address how about ´my granddaughter [name] born on [ddmmyyyy]’? That’s enough to identify her without an address. Though obviously an address would be useful for whomever administers the estate.

ButterCheese

It depends on what the previous relationship has been like etc. If the Grandmother has specifically stated that she needs the address for the Will, then you can just politely reply and say "we've checked, but you don't need an address to name a person". On the other hand, as others have said I doubt you will get spammed with gifts given that the cost and effort required to do this is significant. And if she gets pleasure from sending gifts then it's really no hardship to you

elsien

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/81867851#Comment_81867851

Hard to see what difference it would make having the address if she’s older and on the other side of the world.

bouicca21

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/81870707#Comment_81870707

OP mentioned the risk of being bombarded with unwanted mail, gifts etc. That could be the motive behind wanting an address.

Savvy_Sue

The OP says in his first post it's his assumption that the address is needed for someone to be included in a will. It's not. "But how will anyone contact you when I'm gone?" she wails. Using the email address you have now: keep that in your address book / with your will.

If MiL did start spamming the address with gifts, I'm not sure anything could be done about it at this end, but given the distance and I think the worldwide difficulty of international postage / customs declarations etc one hopes that it wouldn't be a major problem.

However, I'd be wary of giving anything more than an email address. The good news is that it is possible to do video calls and the like without giving a phone number, you can send a Zoom or Jitsi ( https://jitsi.org/jitsi-meet/ ) link by email, so maybe that would be the way to start. And if your wife hasn't done so already, I'd set up a separate email address for such communication, so that it can, if necessary, be handled appropriately - only checked at certain intervals, only used for MiL etc.

You may, over a video call, be able to gauge what MiL might want to do. If she wants calls twice daily, the alarms blare and you back off.

I don't know about in Australia, but I believe in the UK she'd be unable to open a bank account for your DD without you supplying more information than you'd wish to. So if that's something she wants to do, see if you can open a bank account into which it's relatively easy / inexpensive to make payments in Aus$.

sheramber

Don’t impose your feelings about your mother/ mother in law on your daughter.

I did not get on with my mother but I never passed these feelings onto my children, who enjoyed a happy relationship either her.