How to get over damaging employment experiences?

Anythingbutbeige · 2025-11-13T01:22:58+00:00

tacpot12 said:

I was bullied by my manager in one of my last roles and told that my performance wasn't good enough; I was reasonably senior and a line manager myself. Around the same time I was also helping a friend who was being performanced-managed out of the business, when actually they were a very compentent manager - they set up a new bank for my employer, which gives you an idea of their competencies! I also received some very bad feedback from a stakeholder; along the lines of "If I could have sacked you, I would have" when many of the reasons for the problems I had had delivering the project for them and their boss were caused by their staff and their approach to the project.

It permanently dented my confidence, even though I was able to put the bullying behind me because I knew my manager was was just wrong about my abilities, and I told them so; I had been doing the job long enough and and enough feedback from others at the time to know that I wasn't the problem. I also told the manager that was bullying my friend that he was wrong, but of course it made no difference. The thing I haven't been able to forget was the unfair criticism from my stakeholder who I had been working long, hard hours for. I knew I could not influence this person's opinion of me, and so it rankled, and still does, that I had to leave things as they were.

In your situation, I think coaching would be a good idea. Another manager coached me while I was being bullied, and having that extra feedback helped sort out the feedback from my manager that was inaccurate and unhelpful, and focus on what I could do to improve. And I did improve some areas of my practice, which helped me realise that I was good and could get better.

I think it will also help for you to build a support network of colleagues at work. If you are there for others when things are going badly for them, they will be there for you when things are going badly for you.

Asking for feedback when things have gone wrong is powerful as it helps you understand the degree to which you were the problem (and could have done something differently) and when the circumstances or external factors were the cause. It also shows you are not someone who shies away from problems, but tries to learn from them so you can avoid the problem in future.

Thank you so much for this response.