How to get over damaging employment experiences?

Anythingbutbeige

Hi All- I’d be grateful for insight, thoughts or suggestions how to process when you have gone through difficult experiences at an employer? 

I’d welcome hearing from anyone who got through disciplinary, dismissal or being asked to leave, and if they have any advice. I’m certainly finding it difficult in a new employer feeling scared, confidence at rock bottom, questioning myself etc that I don’t know how to address. Would coaching help? Are there other mechanisms?

I’m fascinated hearing from senior leaders how their career has progressed, but I’ve never really heard anyone talk about where relationships have broken down, getting into trouble or not performing, and how to build back up.  

I feel very damaged and I don’t really know what I can do to help myself.  

I’d welcome any thoughts at all.

Devongardener

What exactly are your problems with your current employer?  Are you going through a disciplinary process?

You need to speak to your line manager initially, or the HR manager.  Hopefully they can give you feedback on your performance in the job and suggest further training if appropriate.  

elsien

Did you leave a previous job under difficult circumstances and is that the reason you’re now struggling with confidence where you are now? 

What sort of one-to-one/supervision processes there where you are now, And how helpful is your line manager? Because if you are doubting yourself to a high extent and having that positive external feedback can be helpful.
it does depending in part though the previous issues were and whether you are now in a similar job or somewhere where the same issues could arise again if you don’t get Support. 

mebu60

Your new employer obviously saw things they liked to take you on. Take the negative experience from the past and mentally place it in a folder, close it and imagine filing it away under 'history'. Now focus on what's in front of you. Identify some achievable quick wins, baby steps is fine. Mentally rehearse how you want to be perceived then act the part. Have some positive responses to obvious questions that folk may ask in general conversation about previous jobs, simply omit the negative experience. 

Do you have anyone outside work you can confide in?

Good luck! 

Anythingbutbeige

I’ve left and joined a new employer. I’m about 2 months in to a new employer and the actual effect of having had a challenging time at the last place, seems to have a lasting impact.

Brie

sideways moves have worked for me.  it's either that or leaving the company.

I was working in a department and there was a lack of leadership, little instruction on how to do the job well or even at all, just thrown in at the deep end.  And then my manager left and a new one subbed in who only lasted 2 months.  And then another for another 2 months.  So very little structure, no idea if I was doing the job well or not and then was landed with a negative year end report and so no bonus or payrise.  This was very discouraging given that I hadn't been given anything that would have allowed me to improve, instead I was just left to drift. 

Then there was a restructure of the department, new managers etc.  And things took a turn for the worse.  My new manager emailed me a request for something late in the afternoon and I replied with just a very short "will look at this tomorrow".  Apparently this was completely wrong.  I should have said why I couldn't do it immediately, I didn't phrase the whole thing as if it was a formal letter with a "Dear X" and "yours sincerely".   I had never done that in emails and in fact one of my previous managers had actually asked everyone on the team to keep emails to very basics.  If he asked a question he would want a reply of "yes" or "no" and absolutely nothing else. 

Well having completely underwhelmed this new manager she took it upon herself to completely micromanage me.  I was to do 2 reports and submit them to her for review.  Ok, a new thing for me so I did my best and sent them to her and asked "this is a very first draft of the content but is this what you had in mind?"  Everything in it was wrong from the content to the formatting of the report.  Why did I use bullet points instead of numbers and full sentences? Why was I using that font and font size?  The punctuation was wrong, where was the version number? etc etc.  She decided that we needed to meet every day to review my reports but she would never actually give me any feedback about what was right and would not accept that I was learning something new from scratch.  I suggested I should shadow one of my colleagues to better learn everything but she didn't like that idea.  Basically she wanted to be in control and was being a complete bully.  This lead to me being very ill (& I'm rarely ill) and she took offense with that.  She didn't accept that I might really have the flu. 

Things got worse and worse to the point where I lodged a complaint with HR.  She was completely astonished that I considered her behaviour bullying - apparently I was being difficult on purpose because I was a bad employee and a nasty individual.   Ultimately I and some others under her management requested to be moved to a different part of the department.  Some managed to stay at the same grade or pay.  There wasn't an option for me to do this so I dropped one grade and took a bit of a pay cut.  And ended up with a great manager who loved the way I worked and thought I was an excellent employee.   Stayed with the company for another 13 years until I was made redundant at the point I was thinking of retiring.  

elsien

Anythingbutbeige said:

I’ve left and joined a new employer. I’m about 2 months in to a new employer and the actual effect of having had a challenging time at the last place, seems to have a lasting impact.

Two months is a comparatively short space of time when you’ve had a big knock to your confidence so give yourself a bit of slack. 

If you could have done things differently in your previous role, then take steps to evaluate and consider what you need to do to stop it from happening again. 

If your last manager was an idiot and the situation was not of your making then it’s about confidence, and getting the feedback you need from your current employer.

Are they supportive generally? 

tacpot12

I was bullied by my manager in one of my last roles and told that my performance wasn't good enough; I was reasonably senior and a line manager myself. Around the same time I was also helping a friend who was being performanced-managed out of the business, when actually they were a very compentent manager - they set up a new bank for my employer, which gives you an idea of their competencies! I also received some very bad feedback from a stakeholder; along the lines of "If I could have sacked you, I would have" when many of the reasons for the problems I had had delivering the project for them and their boss were caused by their staff and their approach to the project. 

It permanently dented my confidence, even though I was able to put the bullying behind me because I knew my manager was was just wrong about my abilities, and I told them so; I had been doing the job long enough and and enough feedback from others at the time to know that I wasn't the problem. I also told the manager that was bullying my friend that he was wrong, but of course it made no difference. The thing I haven't been able to forget was the unfair criticism from my stakeholder who I had been working long, hard hours for. I knew I could not influence this person's opinion of me, and so it rankled, and still does, that I had to leave things as they were.

In your situation, I think coaching would be a good idea. Another manager coached me while I was being bullied, and having that extra feedback helped sort out the feedback from my manager that was inaccurate and unhelpful, and focus on what I could do to improve. And I did improve some areas of my practice, which helped me realise that I was good and could get better. 

I think it will also help for you to build a support network of colleagues at work. If you are there for others when things are going badly for them, they will be there for you when things are going badly for you. 

Asking for feedback when things have gone wrong is powerful as it helps you understand the degree to which you were the problem (and could have done something differently) and when the circumstances or external factors were the cause. It also shows you are not someone who shies away from problems, but tries to learn from them so you can avoid the problem in future. 

Marcon

Anythingbutbeige said:

I’ve left and joined a new employer. I’m about 2 months in to a new employer and the actual effect of having had a challenging time at the last place, seems to have a lasting impact.

It wasn't exactly your employer's fault, looking at one of your previous posts: https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/6595565/upset-by-phased-return-arrangements#latest

Did you actually seek professional help as suggested in that thread? Sometimes we need help to handle our problems - and posting on a forum like this simply isn't enough.

SimonSeys

Anythingbutbeige said:

I’ve left and joined a new employer. I’m about 2 months in to a new employer and the actual effect of having had a challenging time at the last place, seems to have a lasting impact.

Don’t despair. It gets better!

I was bullied 20+ years ago and had a nightmare time at work.  I took a sideways move and worked for a decent line manager who supported me.  It took around six months for me to get my confidence back and start performing again, but I managed it eventually. 

Ended up as an SCS so must have done something right!

Be kind to yourself, and if you have a good line manager tell them that your confidence took a knock in your last role, and thank them for their help and support in helping you regain that confidence. Most line managers want to do the right thing by their staff 

Si

Anythingbutbeige

Marcon said:

Anythingbutbeige said:

I’ve left and joined a new employer. I’m about 2 months in to a new employer and the actual effect of having had a challenging time at the last place, seems to have a lasting impact.

It wasn't exactly your employer's fault, looking at one of your previous posts: https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/6595565/upset-by-phased-return-arrangements#latest

Did you actually seek professional help as suggested in that thread? Sometimes we need help to handle our problems - and posting on a forum like this simply isn't enough.

Gosh what a comment.  I’m not sure I referenced fault of the employer in my request.  I think I’d be confident enough to say you can still have a challenging experience irrespective of ‘fault’, and indeed recognise that your own behaviours contribute.  

Reading that thread back shows the early stages of what became a very sad and lonely experience. I was actually seeking help before that point to cope with the impact of employment on mental health.   I do understand why you might have referenced the suggestion, or thought I might not be medicated, unfamiliar with professionals or therapies etc and my main question was about seeking out if others have experiences I could learn from or techniques they have tried. 

I'm grateful for you responding.