Helping my brother with equity release

gaznoid

Sorry to hear about your brother and his wife Murphybear.

He hasn't got Dementia, he was always like this, but my parents decided not to deal with it as he is so difficult. He saw a Phyciatrist in his late teens who actually said there was nothing wrong with him, he was just being awkward. I know he is not normal. I'm no expert but I really have no clue as to what he has got!

I know he would give me POA if it was to get him money to live on but not sure if it was to be assessed by doctors and officials. He has an unhealthy hatred for most people but especially those in authority and anyone who is classed as a doctor. I've never found out why!

He probably believes that I will keep him when the money runs out! Trust me, that isn't going to happen.

gaznoid

I have looked into benefits before. He can get universal credit of around £400 per month, but he would effectively have to be looking for a job. If he got assessed as having mental health issues he would get around £900 per month but he refuses to be assessed or to look for a job.

elsien

A general/ordinary  power of attorney doesn’t need any assessment off anyone. It is literally a letter that he writes giving consent for you to manage things on his behalf.
If he wanted to do the proper lasting power of attorney, it can be done online for a fee of £82, and if he sets it up so it can be used while he still has capacity he doesn’t need to see any professionals. What he would need is someone who knows him well enough to agree to certify that he understands what the power of attorney is for. My mother used her next-door neighbour.

There are some mental health disorders which are characterised by avoiding people and situations even where that is to the detriment of yourself and that can include a refusal to engage with any type of professional. It may be something like that, or he may also just be an awkward sod. 

It is very difficult to get help to someone in their circumstances when they don’t want or can’t accept help themselves. It might be you have to let things fall off the rails before you’re able to move forwards at all with the situation, 

gaznoid

I went to see him last week and the bulb had died in the kitchen. He had new bulbs in the cupboard so I started to change the bulb and he went mad, saying to leave it as it was! I carried on and changed it anyway. This is the same for everything.

lincroft1710

gaznoid said:

I went to see him last week and the bulb had died in the kitchen. He had new bulbs in the cupboard so I started to change the bulb and he went mad, saying to leave it as it was! I carried on and changed it anyway. This is the same for everything.

Clearly something very wrong. Very difficult, I know, but perhaps leave him to sort out his own problems, Agreed this could have serious consequences, but it might shake him up.

Angelica123

At the end of the day, you need to establish what your boundary is going to be with your brother. As well-meaning as you and your parents have been in caring for him, every time you have swooped in to sort something for him and taken on the rescuer role for him has enabled him to stay in a learned helpless type role. I am not a psychologist or anything - but you may find it useful to read about the drama triangle (rescuer, victim, perpetrator) and how playing the rescuer role (while well meaning) often forces the other person to stay in victim role (and ultimately become quite resentful of you for it). The lightbulb situation you described was an innocuous example of this - there's no reason to suppose he wasn't capable to changing his own lightbulb. By jumping into change it yourself, you thought you were being helpful and he saw it as disempowering (as if you didn't believe he was capable of doing that one simple task).

Rather than jumping into trying to help him - maybe try to support him more to find his own solutions. First - communicate what your boundary is (ie what you are willing to help with, and establish that you are no longer able to give him any more money). And then rather than telling him what he needs do, ask him if he's thought about what he's going to do in 4 months when his money runs out. He'll like shut down the conversation or get defensive but it might at least sow some seeds. Unfortunately, until someone loses capacity, there's not much you can do when someone doesn't want to be helped. It's frustrating and hard to watch - I am going through a similar situation with parents. And it's uncomfortable to maintain the boundary and not swoop in to rescue that person. But the pattern of rescuing has only enabled the bad behaviour and left a lot of resentment on both sides. 

otb666

Its very hard to watch someone not look after them self properly. My relative lived in squalor and we were not allowed to leave the sofa to investigate/help. If anyone from social came was told to PO Eventually a flood in home was last straw and refused to get out of bed eat or drink.  That is when we called 111  they were very good and took over with hospital then care home. Both places would not force them to eat so they died Its just so sad to think thats what they wanted.

gaznoid

I have only recently realised that I have been an enabler and I have decided to take the harder option and let things play out. The advice here has been amazing, thank you everyone, I feel much more confident going forward.

Murphybear

elsien said:

You probably already know this, but just for clarity you can’t take on the LPA unless you’re already on there as a reserve, or he still has the capacity to make a new one.
if neither of those were the case it would need to be an application for deputyship

Thanks for pointing this out.  No, I didn’t know that, everything is new to me.  I’ve done a lot of research about it but didn’t come across that.  Sadly he doesn’t have the capacity to make a new one.  The solicitor who does the legal work for the care home is sorting everything out.  I’m going down there next week to see my brother and meet his carers.  I don’t even know if he will recognise me.  😿

elsien

That is sad for both of you.
However I would strongly suggest that you clarify exactly what the solicitor who works for the care home is meant to be sorting out, because there is a potential conflict of interests there if they are working for both the care home and your brother. 
If he has enough assets to need a financial deputy you can make the application yourself should you choose to do so. There is no obligation and just to warn you it is not a quick process.
Deputies: make decisions for someone who lacks capacity: Apply to be a property and financial affairs deputy - GOV.UK
 Otherwise it would be a paid professional deputy - they don't have to be accredited but there are standards that they must meet. They have to act on your brother's best interests and I query how they could do that and also fulfil their role with the care home.