Don’t even know where to begin

Headisspinning18

Hi everyone, 

I am really hoping for some advice as I just don’t have a clue what to do. I apologise in advance for the length of this post but I’m literally losing the will to live. 

I’m married with two high school age kids. We currently live in a rental property that is rented in joint names. I NEED out of my marriage. I’ve been living this rollercoaster for a long time now and it’s taking a huge toll on me, but it’s now becoming apparent how unhappy the kids are. 

My husband point blank refuses to move out. He’s adamant that he’s staying put and if I have a problem, I need to go. This is all fine, I’ll happily take the kids and move out, but I’m so trapped financially and I just can’t bear it. I’m ashamed of myself for getting to my age and not even having a way out of a desperate situation. I have zero money and a pile of debts (all in my name). 

I have seen a rental property that would be ideal for the three of us and I’ve stupidly fallen in love with the idea of having my own home and being independent. I intended to call the agent today to enquire but I just can’t bear the embarrassment or rejection from them due to finances. I don’t earn enough from my job to pass the affordability checks, however after looking at a UC claim, according to Entitled To, I would have. I think I can also offer a guarantor if needed, too. I just worry that the agent will shut me down immediately, they won’t want to consider my potential UC income and any hope I have of escaping this cycle is crushed. 

Also, if by any miracle, this wasn’t the case, I can’t work out in my head how I can process a UC claim whilst I’m currently living with my husband and wouldn’t have a rental agreement to initiate the housing benefit side of it. 

Since a huge bust up just over 12 months ago, I have been pushed into contributing more than I can afford to the household and have run up a number of high interest credit card debts. I have now defaulted on most of these as I was just drowning in minimum payments and interest that I just couldn’t manage. Therefore my credit record is totally shot at and any form of mainstream lending is out of the question. I don’t currently have any CCJ’s, IVA’s or bankruptcy so I’m hopeful that I could pass an estate agent credit check. 

I don’t really even know what I’m asking here, I guess I’m just praying that someone can guide me, or offer some sort of reassurance that there’s some way that I can escape this living hell. 

Thankfully, there’s no violence etc, just a lot of mind games which are utterly exhausting. 

Thank you to anyone that has made it this far reading my woe is me story, I’m very grateful.  

Devongardener

I think you should start divorce proceedings before trying to negotiate a tricky rental market when you have financial problems.
Then both you and your husband will have to undergo a financial assessment and eventual agreement, where hopefully you will be awarded maintenance for the children.    One problem you might have is the rental lease being in joint names, if your husband defaults and stops paying rent or damages the property you’re jointly liable.

Mr.Generous

The deposit is going to be an issue for most rental properties, sorry to trow a spanner in the works. 

Savvy_Sue

It sounds as if there may be some coercive control going on here. Women's Aid may be useful. https://www.womensaid.org.uk/

tacpot12

You can start a UC claim for yourself while living together, but you have to be able to show that you are no longer living as a couple, so you have to seperate your day-to-day finances. Once the UC claim is started, if you can find somewhere to rent and pay the deposit, you can apply for the Housing Element as soon as you have a tenancy agreement in your name. You should be paid the housing element before your second rent payment is due, so you only have to cover the deposit and the first month's rent. If you have a guarantor, maybe they can lend you the money for this.

You need to make a budget to see whether you can make the minimum payments on your existing credit cards and pay your rent and other living costs. 

You should also look at the Child Maintenance Service information here: Child Maintenance Service: What child maintenance is - GOV.UK Your husband is likely to have to pay Child Maintenance in proportion to the amount of time he has the children. 

As you are both named on your current tenancy, you are currently liable to pay all the rent if he doesn't, so you really need to get out of the current tenancy before taking on a new one. It shouldn't be possible to pass the affordability checks for a new property while you are still liable for the rent on the old one. 

Divorce is one option; a local solicitor will be able to advice you about how you might pay for the legal work. There's also lots of advice and support here: https://divorce.wikivorce.com/

Mediation might be another option. If it works, it could help the divorce process in future. Mediation might allow you to get out of the current tenancy agreement and start living somewhere else, while you figure out how to get divorced.

You could also look for a local women's refuge/aid charity in your area. They are likely to be able to offer advice and support, even if you don't need to move out of your property yet. 

Hope this offers you some reassurance that there is a way out. Unfortunately, many people experience unhappy marriages, but it doesn't have to be permanent. 

RAS

So after the huge bust up you've been pushed into contributing more than you can afford. That's financial abuse and possibly coercion, aimed at trapping you in the marriage you don't want.

I'm going to be brutal. Forget the dream house. Even if the LL accepted you, you do not yet have the stuff needed in place, nor the time to arrange it.

Please speak to Women's Aid urgently and get advice on this situation. You need to get all your ducks in a row before you act.

You can legally separate whilst living in the same house and claim benefits but your ex could then withdraw all financial support to you, possibly to you and the children. You can claim via the CMS but that takes time.

You do not need a lawyer to divorce, you need legal help to get the financial settlement. Wikivorce has already been mentioned. 

Also stop making the additional payments demanded. Start with a new basic bank account (no credit check required) and get all your income paid there. If you intend defaulting on debts, you need that anyway.

Once that's done look at whether you can get your name removed from any joint accounts. If not, write to the providers and tell them that all further payments from the accounts need both signatures. That stops your ex building up debt in both names and leaving you in the lurch.

Regarding the rental, there was a lengthy thread, I think on the Renting and Selling sub-forum, where someone was trapped by a joint tenancy and a poster with more experience advised of a solution which contradicted the advice about continued joint liability.

I'd suggest you post on there, solely about ending the joint rental as duplicate threads are not permitted. Refer to this thread. You don't have enough posts to link to this thread but perhaps someone could do that for you.

Once you've spoken to Women's Aid also ask about the possibility of signing up with the local social housing providers. It's not going to be an instant solution and whilst you are in safe private rental, you won't have priority, but if things get dangerous, being on their books might help.