No contact with son

lynseydee

I lost custody of my son to his dad when I went through a mental health breakdown and he reported me to social services.  Social services agreed for my son to live with his dad whilst they carried out their assessments despite me raising concerns with them about this.  In the end they supported my son living with his dad when it went to court together with my son saying this is where he wanted to live.

During my relationship with his dad I endured manipulation and coercion until I finally came to my senses and left him.  He tried his best to keep taking me to court and making allegations against me but things were never taken any further.  When social services finally became involved I raised my concerns about my son being treated the same way I was but they ignored everything I told them.

When things finally went to court it was granted that I saw my son for the weekend every three weeks with phone contact in between if my son wanted.

The last time I saw my son was at the end of April and during this visit he made some disclosures to my sister which caused us some concern.  I reported these concerns to the local authority but after investigating them they closed the case.  His dad has been emailing me before every contact weekend to say that he is trying to get my son to see me but he keeps saying he doesn’t want to.  In the meantime I have received a text from my son saying he doesn’t want contact with me.  I don’t believe this was sent by him because it’s not worded like how a 13 year old would talk.

I have raised concerns for a number of years but nobody is listening to me, instead listening to my ex husband’s lies and falling for them.

I feel like I’m in limbo at the moment as I don’t know what to do next.  I can’t afford legal advice so having to do this all on my own.

I'm sorry this is so long and thank you if you’ve gotten this far but tried to give a brief overview of what’s going on.

I don’t know what to do next and don’t want my son to suffer because of my failures.

tacpot12

I think many people will understand your concern for your son, and will have a concern for you because you clearly feel that you are not in control of the situation. This is not your fault. The court and social services have made the decisions they needed to make as best they could with the information available to them, some of which will be highly charged/emotive as a result of the problems between you and your ex. 

Your son is a teenager, and it is not uncommon for teenagers to chop and change their minds on important topics, and even to manipulate situtations to their own ends. I think you need to give your son more time to consider his situation, and to communicate with you if he wants to. Trying to force a teenager to do something they don't want to do rarely results in peace and calm. 

I would suggest you give it some time. Perhaps message him to say that you are very disappointed he doesn't want contact with you, but that you will always want to know that he is safe and well. You need to leave the door open to him coming to you if he needs to talk to someone. He probably has other resources available to him such as friends and teachers at school, and you could encourage him to talk to someone other than you if that seems a better option for him. 

Based on what you say, I don't think he is at risk, but only you know what disclosures he made. If they sound familiar to you, based on your experience with your ex, this will undoubtedly worry you, but it still isn't proof of anything. Asking your son for evidence or proof risks him thinking that you don't believe him, so it would need to be done incredibly sensitively - essentially teasing out the full story and considering what evidence and proof might be available - you won't be able to do this while he isn't willing to have close contact with you, so you need to point him to other people that can help. This is not letting him down, it is doing what you can do. 

Sorry you are going through this still. 

Brie

I've read accounts of others that have been in your son's situation and one thing that they value when they are older is the birthday cards and similar that the missing parent has written to them.  In these cases there is no contact at all and no way to deliver the cards so it's the realisation that the missing parent was thinking of their child, things they might have said to them at that time.  Maybe it's something you might consider, whether it's cards you could, but don't, send or a diary/notebook where you write down things you'd like to share - "my goodness it's hot, hope you've got some sun screen on if you're out playing football" that sort of thing.

elsien

If he’s feeling emotionally caught between you and his dad (even if his dad isn’t coercing him)  he’s probably going to go along with not upsetting the person that he’s living with. Because upsetting them has direct more impact than upsetting someone he sees once every three weeks. 

He may be starting to develop all the things that he wants to do at the weekend. Which is hard for you, but teenagers can be selfish and put themselves and their friends first.
As per the first post all you can do is leave the door open and let him know that you’re always there regardless of what happens. if he wants to get in touch with you he will. he doesn’t need to do it via his dad. in the days of the Internet and social media there are other way of maintaining contact.

RAS

Based on other threads here and real life experience the decision to report the concerns to the LA after the April visit could well be seen by your son differently to how you see it.

He's said something to someone he trusted. This suggests concerns but wasn't life threatening? And not only has your sister spoken to you but you've spoken to the LA. And the investigation has caused him difficulties. Your son can no longer trust your sister, and your intervention without discussing it first with him causes difficulties. He's a teenager with all the challenges of warring parents and fluctuating feelings and strong emotions. 

You love him, he loves you but communication with you may not be safe from his perspective. You want to keep him safe but you've intervened in his relationship with his father without his consent. Your ex may well be taking advantage but in practical terms for your son trying to maintain both relationships is just too demanding. And he's trying to develop relationships outside the family which takes time and effort and he just doesn't need LA involvement in his life.

Give him space, and accept it may take some time before he wants to explore his relationship with you. It will be important that when you meet again everything is about him, and you, not about the conflict between you and his father. It is common for children and young adults to have a fantasy about parents getting back together even when they wouldn't actually want to live with both in the same house. It's perfectly normal to hold contradictory feelings and aspirations, and slightly crazy making.

Your son needs to be able to have relationship with both of you without being drawn into the conflict between you. That's hard for you given the past history so you need to use this time to learn how to handle the grief of not having the relationship you hope for now and in the near future, and to disentangle your relationships with your son and your ex. 

lynseydee

Thank you for everyone who has commented.  I know you all don’t know the full story but I completely get what you are all saying.  I hope my son truly does know that all I want is the best for him and completely understand how difficult things must be for him at home.  I’m also well aware that as a teenager he will want him to spend time with his friends and wholeheartedly encourage this.  

ian1246

Op, I think you need to draw a line between your experiences with the ex and what your son's experiences with him - to you, he's the hated ex. To your son, he's his loving father. By all means always have in the back of your mind how your ex treated you, so you can look out for the signs and raise appropriate safeguarding concerns, when necessary, but you also need to be aware that its entirely possible your son genuinely loves his dad and isn't being subjected to coercive behaviour with the choice's he's making....

…. and in this light, try and consider how any interventions, actions or things said by yourself may possibly be interpreted by your Son - particularly if they could put his relationship with his father at risk?

What I'm getting at - is it possible by raising your concerns with the Local Authority - including previous concerns about your own relationship with the ex and then trying to apply it to your son and his father's relationship - that your son now views you as a hostile entity trying to destroy his relationship with his father?

He's a teenager - they can be impulsive and melodramatic. Boys in particular can also be pretty defensive when it comes to emotions and feelings. 

Give him space and then when you do see him again, ensure its just about you and him - not your ex.

Exodi

Like others, I sighed when I read that the son had confided in your sister, and instead of finding ways to support your son with the issue in a sensitive way, you used it as an opportunity to make a report to the LA about your ex.

You can appreciate that there's little difference between: "He tried his best to keep taking me to court and making allegations against me but things were never taken any further" and or "I reported these concerns to the local authority but after investigating them they closed the case". Of course you may beg to differ and feel that all your exes allegations are false, whereas all of yours are true.

It just reads like a classic tale of warring exes, unfortunately. It's very clear from the wording of your post that you loathe your ex.

Forgetting about the ex for just a minute - what is it you're ultimately hoping to achieve? Do you want your son to live with you again? Remember he wants to live with his dad (though I expect you may insist he is brainwashed).

At the start you mention you went through a mental health breakdown and lost custody (or as you may consider, you lost custody because your ex reported you to social services). You mention they agreed for the son to live with the dad (though you disagreed and raised concerns). Is this to suggest you believe you were the better option to take care of your son at that time, over the father, or that your son should have not lived with either parent and gone into foster care? This point is just curiosity.

lynseydee said:

His dad has been emailing me before every contact weekend to say that he is trying to get my son to see me but he keeps saying he doesn’t want to.  In the meantime I have received a text from my son saying he doesn’t want contact with me.  I don’t believe this was sent by him because it’s not worded like how a 13 year old would talk.

Again, I know there is significant cynicism and loathing of the ex - but what if what your ex says is true? Have you considered that possibility? Maybe the son does not like being used as a pawn in the war against his dad?

Unfortunately I think there is just too much emotion and resentment to work this situation out yet. Plus your son is at the age that he cares more about his friends than his parents who might be trying to point score off each other. But time heals all things. My mother didn't have the greatest relationship with my sisters when they were young adults, including a long period of bitter dispute and non-contact, a few years later and now they go on holidays together.