need advice

lifeispoop

Dont know if this is the right place for advice, but thought id see if anyone else has had the same experience before i start seeking legal advice.  My adult child has split from their partner, they have a joint morgage and a small child.  He pays half of the mortgage dispite not being allowed in the flat, he has his child at the weekends as he misses dearly, he also pays maintenance for the child.  she is demanding more money but i said sell the home as he is paying for something he isnt even allowed to stay in.  should we be going down the legal route?  i just want to keep it amicable 

DE_612183

question 1 - are they married?

sheramber

If they cannot come to an amicable agreement then  the legal route is the only option.

You don't say how much maintenance he is paying or if he pays for anything else- clothes, school trips, hobbies etc
You can use this calculator for an idea of what maintenance he would be liable to pay

https://www.gov.uk/calculate-child-maintenance

ian1246

If she has sole use of the property, he shouldn't be paying anything towards the mortgage costs - his "half" would be covered by the occupational rent she owes him.

https://lawhive.co.uk/knowledge-hub/property/occupational-rent-a-guide-for-separating-homeowners/

It's her responsibility to sort her housing situation out - just as its his responsibility to sort his seperate household out.

Does she work? If not, why not? Does she expect your son to sub her for the rest of her life? He has his own household to cover.

As for his having the kids weekends - is that every weekend, Friday to and including Sunday? If so, that's 3 days every week - the Child Maintainance Service have a calculator which he can input his income on & that's the amount he owes - no more, no less.

Tell him to keep a spreadsheet detailing all days he has the kids, pickup, drop-off times etc... He needs to ensure he's down on the kids contact details at the GP, School etc... - and preferably getting involved with any needs like GP Visits.

He absolutely needs to assert his rights as a father & become as involved as possible in the kids day to day affairs as possible - it'll stand him in better stead should it go to court for a child-care order.

Definitely go and speak to a solicitor regarding child-contact and sorting the house / property out.

sheramber

Some solicitors will give a 30 minutes free  consultation.

Exodi

If they own the house jointly then there's no obligation on him to leave, he is within his rights to move back in (but this may be pouring fuel on the fire so not a practical suggestion).

People always seem to forget the fact that in a breakup the party moving out will now have their own housing costs. She should be paying the full mortgage for living there, just as he would need to be contributing towards any property he lives at now. There are practical issues again with this as if she protests she cannot pay the full mortgage and defaults, it will affect your son also. The cleanest option will be to sell the house - something she will not be keen to do while your son currently subsidizes her.

What does he pay in maintenance? Is it "I give her £100 now and then when I have money spare" or is it a monthly amount, around what the CMS calculations estimate would be payable. If the former then he should consider paying the amount required by the CMS (before she takes it to the CMS and takes the decision out of his hands) and if the former then no reason to pay more (and no reason to pay half the mortgage on top).

Unfortunately on your last point, if you can't convince her to sell the house (and this is a very common problem because from her perspective, why would she? She's got it pretty good at the moment) then you will be forced to go down the legal route and unfortunately this is not compatible with keeping things amicable. Also the optics aren't great in forcing a single mother and child out of their house so your son can get his cash.

ian1246

Exodi said:

Unfortunately on your last point, if you can't convince her to sell the house (and this is a very common problem because from her perspective, why would she? She's got it pretty good at the moment) then you will be forced to go down the legal route and unfortunately this is not compatible with keeping things amicable. Also the optics aren't great in forcing a single mother and child out of their house so your son can get his cash.

On the flip side, becoming a slave to the whims of the ex-partner is also not good. How long is he expected to subsidise her for? Until the Child's 18? For the rest of her life?

In that time he will be unable to buy his own property due to being tied to the mortgage and unable to satisfy the financial checks for any decent rental, due to paying 50% of the mortgage.

He has to meet his housing needs also- and that includes providing housing for his children when they are with him. The optics of dad being unable to have his kids due to being homeless or living in a bed sit are equally as bad.

I despair whenever I read posts like the 'Ops' - "he's moved out and is paying maintaince" " he gets to see his children on the weekends".

Men need to wake up and start pushing back- they have as much right to the children as mum. That child isn't mum's personal property to dictate to the dad as she likes - dad has just as much say as mum. Why should he be the one who has to move out or limit his time with the kids?

But... as in 90% of cases, the man surrenders his rights and accommodates the mum. That now means he's on the back foot - paying child maintainance and not the resident parent- setting the stage for the ex to now argue for having the house until the child's 18 "due to meeting the child's needs" or, if if sold, pushing for more than 50% of the equity for the same reason. Meanwhile he gets to live pay check to pay check, working full time & limited in his ability to see the kids due to financial pressures and insufficient accommodation.

If men push back & insist on genuine 50/50 (including equal responsibility in day to day care) then either mum withholds the kids without good reason (the courts will take a very dim view of that) or has no choice but to go along with the 50/50 access whilst legally contesting it to be the main carer via a court order - by which point with the family court delays, Dad will have an argument that 50/50 is the new status quo and a demonstrated record of being able to do so.

That then puts his housing needs on an even setting with mum's, no child maintainance and most importantly of all - he gets to be a equal parent and role model in that child's life.

This is exactly what I did - i made it clear in our first post-seperation meeting that 50/50 childcare was the only thing i wasn't willing to compromise on, I then put flexible working inplace (i work on shifts in the emergency services) & became an equal parent in our sons life - even with initially some ineffective pushback from the ex.

When it came to the finalised divorce, I got 41% of the equity whilst she got 59% - but the extra equity was offset against its equivilant Cash Transfer Value from the share the ex would have got from my pension (overall asset split was 50/50) - this discrepancy was due to my earning 2.5 times the ex's income. Despite the income difference, i got as much as i did because i could argue my housing needs were as equally important as hers for our son.

Fast forward 2 years from the separation, the 50/50 has now moved to a 55 : 45 split at her request - meaning I get to spend far more time with my son than most Dads. I could claim the child benefit & child maintainance due to being his main parent - but I don't since my income is 2.5 times hers & it then allows her to have sufficient means to have quality time with our son.

All of it stems from pushing for 50/50 initially - without that, my financial circumstances would have been far worse and my relationship with my son far weaker.