Sending eldest child to private school but not 2nd

rose28454

My granddaughter who is 9 is a smart child but although her primary is great the classes are large and of very varied pupils. Her parents think she is not being pushed enough and have found a small private school nearby. She would go for her last 2 primary years and then take an exam ( like the 11 plus ) as they still have grammar schools in their area. So the private bit would only be for 2 years. However she has a younger brother aged nearly 6 who is at the existing school but he is autistic. The send provision at the existing school is excellent and he seems to be making steady progress and he loves school. 

I am trying not to be an interfering granny but I’m worried about how he will react with his sister leaving and her having longer holidays. 

The other thing is her dad who was our eldest got an assisted place to a very good private school but he’s sister stayed at the secondary school and didn’t get on very well at school. She’s nearly 40 and is newly diagnosed with ADHD which explains a lot about how she struggles at school and work. She has her own business and is very successful but never lets us forget that he had a private education and not her. I wish now we hadn’t done it and am wondering if this is history repeating itself . Should I say something or keep my mouth shut. I suffer with anxiety and it’s making me very nervous 

Muttleythefrog

I think the dilemma may be best served by being moved. This isn't really something we can advise on here. I'll see if admin will move it somewhere they think more suited. My own advice - it's their issues as parents... your parenting is done (the choices you made.. good, bad or otherwise can never be changed) and I think you need to focus your mind on other more healthy thinking like enjoying time with grandchildren rather than worrying about schools they may go to. Also remember schooling has changed a fair bit probably since your children were engaging such.

(Admin I think I may have reported my post rather than the thread for moving...lol.. hopefully you can resolve though)

Savvy_Sue

FWIW two out of the five of us went to boarding school, and a third tried it briefly but it didn't suit. We had different holidays: if there was any resentment about that I wasn't aware of it. Must have been a nightmare for my mother to juggle, but at least it was secondary school so I could be 'left' or come to the office with her (there were places I could sit and read). 

The financial commitment for this was negligible. 

I think the most important thing is for each child to have the best possible education FOR THEM and their needs. My mother always said that going away to school suited the eldest, because it gave them peace from the little ones. And it certainly suited me. One of us would have struggled at that time in a challenging academic environment because of very severe dyslexia: I hope these days they'd have better support in place. 

If a child is receiving appropriate support for SE needs, then now is not the time to disrupt that! 

And I agree, it has to be the parents' decision. You can accept that you might have made different choices for your own children, and acknowledge that, but especially as you were acting on incomplete information at the time then it's time to let go of any 'If Onlys'. 

elsien

Your grandchildren are not your children. The circumstances are different, the children are different, the parents are different.
Your daughter struggled at school, your grandson seems to be thriving. He has less reason to be resentful if he is happy where he is, as long as everything else is equal. 

Although I’m not sure whether the school you’re referring to is boarding or a day school, because you refer to your granddaughter “leaving.” I presume you mean leaving the current school, but for the sake of doubt I would not send a child that young to boarding school. I went myself at age 10 and it was not a happy experience. 

Sapindus

I recently found a letter from my father to his parents referencing a sum of money a relative had left him.  He says "it will come in very useful for the children's education, [me]'s at least, [my brother] seems to be of a more practical persuasion and the local state school will suit him fine."  It just makes me laugh now, as I had a year or two in a very small private school but then was moved to state school, and my brother ended up getting a much more intellectual degree than I did!

There's so much more to life and parenting than which school you go to, and every child has different needs which may be met financially or in other ways, and fretting about what might have been does no good at all.

silvercar

I sent my younger child to a private secondary. My elder one got a place in a top grammar school, that my younger one would have hated and wouldn’t have got a place in all probability. I didn’t like the feeder school from their primary, so we looked around and found a school we thought would suit him best. Discussed it openly with both kids at the time, no one had a problem with it; elder one could see it make sense, younger one would have preferred the feeder school, but I refused to allow him that, so he was happy to go to the private school, though kept reminding us he didn’t ask for it.

I’m happy with the choices we made. Though if it had been the other way round I don’t know what we’d have done.

Spendless

You're only talking 2 years for older one in the hope that she then passes her 11+ and goes to Grammer school for the Secondary school years.

Little brother isnt even 6 yet, chances are he wont even think about it, and in the event he asks why sis is no longer at same school as him that is easily explained as 'different schools met each of their needs'

I cant see this being an issue other than what is plan B if eldest doesnt pass Grammer school, because if the alternative is to pay privately all the way through from now to age 16/18 for child 1, but not child 2 then that potentially might come up in the future. 

Savvy_Sue

Worth noting (even at this stage) that if a child with special needs attends a private school then it's entirely possible that any SEND support required may require additional payment - it won't be funded by the local authority. If it's a private school which specialises in SEND this is less likely, but there's quite a lot not included in the fees for most private schools. 

Of course given the way SEND is (not) currently funded by the local authority, it may be a moot point. 

Exodi

They're entitled to make their own decisions for their children, with their own successes and mistakes, just like you did.

As a new parent this subject is still quite fresh for me - I am sick to the back teeth of aunts/uncles/grandparents/etc coming round to see the baby, and effectively lecturing us (though I appreciate it is in good faith) about how to raise them. If they don't ask for advice, don't offer it.

I appreciate that's not what you're doing and you're asking on here, kudos to that. Yes, history is doomed to repeat itself.

rose28454

Thanks for all your helpful comments. The child in question would be a day pupil not boarding. She has a helper at her existing school ( as she has a bladder problem and uses a catheter to go to the toilet ) but as she’s got older she has started to be able to manage this herself at school and at home. 

The younger child is in a class of special needs children and is happy there. 

I spoke to my son in the week and he explained that another set of parents are contemplating the same move as their son is falling behind. This would mean they could lift share as it’s a drive away. 

My granddaughter is very bright and I myself out of 5 siblings got an 11 plus scholarship to a private convent . Unfortunately my parents moved us all when I was 15 so I had to go back a year to a local college and unfortunately didn’t achieve my dream job which was to be a scientist at Porton Down.
They haven’t made the decision yet but my son also said the money is not an issue as my daughter in salary with my son not far behind. 

Thanks again I realise now it is none of my business and they must do what’s best for her.

rose28454

She starts on Tuesday and is very excited .