The chip on my windscreen

maurice28

There is a chip on the windscreen of my six month old car. In fact, calling it a chip is generous – I’m told it is in fact a pit, where a tiny stone or a bit of sand has hit the windscreen and made a mark that is about 1mm in size. They can’t really be repaired, but someone did come and have a look and do some windscreen repair-based magic, and it is still noticeable, but only really in bright sunlight or if headlights hit it at night from a certain angle. 

Why on Earth does this matter? Well, it doesn’t of course, in the grand scheme of things. It happens all the time, it will happen multiple times I’m sure while I have the car, and I’m sure many people wouldn’t even notice it. It would pass an MOT, it isn’t dangerous, it really shouldn’t be an issue. But I cannot stop obsessing about that chip. 

It bothers me when I drive the car and I can see it. It bothers me when I drive the car and I can’t see it. It bothers me when I’m not in the car. I woke up twice last night, and thought about the chip, and it irritated me. It is there, hovering over me, stopping me from fully relaxing. That chip is having far more of an impact on my life than the initial bit of stone or sand had on the windscreen itself. 

I don’t think it’s really about the chip, of course. Let me say, I am extremely lucky in life. I am married, have two wonderful children, a job I enjoy, a house I own and, while I’m not rich, I don’t particularly have to worry about money. Even the aforementioned windscreen is on a nice company car I am incredibly privileged to have. I am, by so many metrics, beyond lucky. 

But in some ways, I’m not. My father has dementia, and since being diagnosed a few years ago has been declining. My mother, herself in her 70s, is struggling to cope with caring for him and while I run as many errands and help out as much as I can, it isn’t enough. As we go through the care assessment process, which is in no way quick, the pressure builds. The pressure of seeing my father decline, to become a shadow of his former self, and my mother struggle, break down in tears, say she doesn’t know if she can go on. 

I have my wife to support me, but she also struggles with anxiety and for one reason and another, doesn’t feel able to seek professional support to see if that helps. She supports me in so many ways as much as she can, but I can’t always burden her with my worries for fear that we both collapse under the pressure. 

I want to be a rock for everyone who needs me, and I like to think that I am. I can put these big issues to one side and power through, and do my best. But as a result, I assume so my brain can cope and have some kind of outlet, I can’t stop fretting about that damn windscreen chip. 

I’m not really expecting anything to come of this post. It just felt right to jot this down, to put it out there. I know everything will be OK in the end, one way or the other, and I keep reminding myself how lucky I am. If you’ve got this far, I hope you’re OK too!

New_in_the_fens

Hey Maurice - sorry to hear about the windscreen - but more importantly, sorry to hear about all the big stresses in your life. 

And that’s the problem, you have some big things your brain doesn’t want to deal with, so to occupy itself, it’s focussing on that ruddy chip! 

Life isn’t a competition - just because you perceive yourself to be comfortable and privileged, doesn’t mean you have to contend with these big issues alone. 

Is it worth you seeing if you can find a friend, or maybe through your work employee assistance programme, someone to talk through these big things your brain is avoiding?

Take care of yourself - it’s tough right now - give yourself some grace. 

Alanp

Have you tried the altzimers/dementia support groups/organisations?

boots_babe

I'm sorry to hear of how much you are dealing with at the moment. I can entirely empathise as I am in exactly the same position, 2 elderly parents who have both significantly declined in the last few months, cannot manage without help, and of course you try to do everything you can to make things better.

I have seen first hand how difficult (nigh on impossible!) it is to navigate the care system, and find out what other support is available. I keep finding bits out by accident from chance conversations with various social services or other medical teams. I wish there was a handbook for people thrown into this situation.

Anyway, I just posted to say, that if you haven't already found it, then there is a carers web site which you may find helpful. There is helpful advice, articles, signposting, but also an active forum. I have only recently joined the forum but it's really helpful to read what others are going through, and learn from information on there. And perhaps one day soon I'll make my own post on there. 

If you get a quite moment it may be worth a look - carersuk.org and https://forum.carersuk.org/.

Remember you can't be there 24/7 for your parents, and nobody would expect you to. You need to seek out whatever help is in the area, be it meal son wheels, the local frailty team, getting a cleaner in for them once a week. Each little thing helps a little bit more, in knowing that they are getting extra support.

MayDogsandCoffee

I am sorry, you are supporting your parents at a difficult time and you can only do your best.  Please contact CareUk for support and advice and have you heard about the AndyManClub - I don't think I can link but it is a really good organisation, all across the country go to a session have a cup of tea and talk through / vent.  There is also help if your family have any military service / connection.

otb666

I would also suggest a gardener and window cleaner as well as sainsbury on line shops as a great way of them having weekly visits that can also relieve your burden a bit. It helps us anyway know you are not alone.

onomatopoeia99

Something I've learned from personal experience is only do what you can do.  Don't try to "power through" as all that will happen is you get broken.  You mustn't forget to look after yourself, because if you don't you can't help anyone.

I got woken up by the rumble strips on the M4 on my way home from a day on my feet volunteering following a 6 a.m. start.  The following day I resigned from all the committees and events I was part of because one warning was enough.  Two years later I was diagnosed with MS, which explained so much in my life over the preceeding two decades and now I simply say no when asked for help if I think the cost will be too high.